Paco - yeah, I feel you on that for sure. For me, the good days have outnumbered the bad days by a long shot in the last 6 months and so the waves have generally been fairly calm. This just feels like a massive wave came out of nowhere.
Grace, dignity, and a stronger sense of self - absolutely yes. I don't think I will achieve that today and I am going to let myself feel it all instead of running away from it like my instincts are telling me to do.
I am hoping I can find a reservoir of strength from some place today and let it wash over me. A place where there is some love that I can tap into.
I am sorry M.......I can tell you from my experience that every step gets a little easier. When my x told me she wanted to move forward with D I felt the same way. I took another mental hit when she told me she was dating. It happened again when she told me about her BF and yet again when he met my girls. When our D was finalized I stood in front of the judge and cried. I can tell you though that was the last time and every step since then has got a little easier. I have felt gloomy days as well and have my share of times being in a funk. I just keep telling myself that something good has to come of this and it will present itself when the time is right.
Not that any of this helps just know that what you are feeling is completely normal and your time will come. Just be compassionate towards yourself.
Thanks for the perspective J. I just need this to be over with as it feels like I am still hanging by a thread to the past. Even though I have made great strides in detachment, I know getting past the steps of separation and divorce will allow me to unlock other levels of detachment.
I appreciate your words man. Self-compassion is what I am exercising right now. The old me would be beating myself up for the 'failures', but I know that I took serious account of my flaws and life circumstances and did the best I could do with the hand I was dealt. I could've done better, but I can't change the past.
I am embracing the gloominess of today, but I am already feeling better as I have been aware of my emotions and I am feeling them rather than dismissing or burying them. I know I have work to do for my life and I have some sense of control over it.
I just want to be done with this and bring a finality to all of it. I know I need that to just release everything and move ahead with life.
If it’s any consequence your detachment will increase 10 fold once your D is done. I think it’s very common to still be some what attached to the past while in limbo. Just mentally prepare yourself for when your kids meet her BF. That was a fuching kick in the nuts.
This morning, received a long message from exW and she mentioned the D word and how we can move it along without the lawyers and jointly file an uncontested D. Just took my breath away really.
I started the separation agreement process leading towards getting the D done and intellectually worked through it all, but it's taken an emotional hit that I wasn't really expecting. I figured it would sting, but I am just in a bit of an emotional funk right now. I haven't responded back to her yet, but I don't have any objections to her suggestion.
So do you think on some level you were pushing the S through hoping it would wake her up and snap her out of it? I think a lot of us threaten or actually pursue S or D and convince ourselves we're doing it for the right reasons but deep inside we're hoping it will bring them out of the fog. But it never does, it's really just giving them what they want.
Quote
I'm just feeling like a total failure right now - in life and marriage. I just never imagined that I'd be here in my relationship, life, and career - all of it not in an optimal place.
I'm sorry you're feeling down on yourself! You're a great person with a bright future, but I know it doesn't feel that way to you right now.
Quote
Her bringing it up also has flooded me with thoughts of how she's just moved on and probably has someone already and didn't even give me a shred of a chance to make this work. It just really feels awful right now.
Well, you know from your time here that that is just a reflection of how she feels right now. It could change in a week or month or year, the future is unknown. So there's no reason to give up hope unless you choose to.
Quote
I've just taken so many hits in my life and I just want to give up and stop trying to improve anything and accept that everything is going to suck and I might as well ride this life out until it ends.
Boy do I remember those feelings of just being the world's punching bag! One of the things I learned is my enjoyment of life is not dependent upon being king of the world, or owning a snazzy car, or having a bigger house, or a trophy wife or whatever. I've been very successful in my career and made good money but do you know what some of my happiest moments in life have been? Very simple things. Camping out with friends. Hiking with my kids. Playing pool and sharing a pitcher of beer with a couple of buddies. Sculpting in clay. Sleeping in cuddled with my dog on a Saturday. We make life too complicated, it doesn't have to be. So to hell with your wife, give her a D if that's what she wants. Screw trying to be super successful at work, when you are on your deathbed do you think you'll have ANY regrets that you didn't spend more time at the office or make it farther in your career? If you want to improve something then improve Maika's love of life. Because in the end that's all that matters. Go out and have fun and let the rest fall where it may.
It will just remember it is much easier for a women to find a man in the dating world than it is for a man. It doesn’t mean she has found the right man or a good man but there are no shortages of men looking for sex. Over time your mindset will shift towards hoping that whoever it is that person will be a good role model and positive influence.
It´s ok to feel what you are feeling M. And you know you are not a failure. You have done your long inner voyage. Have some rest now my dear friend, tomorrow will be another day, a better one. And much better will be the next one...
All my love to you and your kids
(((M)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
It will just remember it is much easier for a women to find a man in the dating world than it is for a man.
This is an inaccurate statement J. I think you are projecting.
If you are talking about hookups then you are correct. If you are talking about relationships with quality people it is way easier for a man to find a quality woman. A. There are more women available in the dating world, B. Men can typically date all ages where woman are generally required to date at age or older and C. in general there are just more QUALITY women.
I think it is the unexpected waves that smash into us from behind that can hurt us the worst. You know what to do, you know how to save yourself from drowning in them, you know that you are strong and more than capable of getting back up onto your feet. You know all of that from the long journey that you have taken over the last two years.
Find your blessings, find what you do have in your life, what you are grateful for. And then get out and act. Get out of your head and GAL. Turn to those things that feed your body, mind, and soul whether it be friends, or sports, or seeing a great movie. You know the script at this point.
Just ride out this wave of negativity and you know the emotions will subside. You got this!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
