Milestones of Moving On (?)

[DejaVu6]

BTW... no legal separation in Canada either. You just have to be living apart for a year to get a divorce. Unless someone has committed adultery or there are other circumstance, the wronged party can file early. However, you can draw up a legal separation agreement that divvies up assets and custody arrangements. Basically it is everything a divorce decree would cover without the divorce.

[TJT]

I was so miserable in the present, I feel like I actually started living in the future.

You know, I think you may have pointed out something I have been doing, too. For me, it was always things like, "When H can stop working so much we will go on vacation," or "When H's son is 18 we will be able to do X". But I don't know that any of that was ever going to happen or that H planned to make it happen. He worked his tail off and while most of the time it was towards a specific goal (our wedding, the house) we definitely had conversations about him taking even a little time off to relax together. But he loved to work and most importantly he always seemed to care more about what the people at his job would think if he asked for time off, vs. what I would think as his wife.

That really makes me sad because one of the early letters I found, and SO many conversations we had when we first met, were specifically around him not wanting to work so much so he could spend time with me. I feel like we were just now accomplishing some really amazing goals we had set over our 9 years together (having good income, our new home) and I will never understand why he wasn't happy with that or thought it was worth throwing all away.

The only plans I'm going to make are the ones that I can make happen without anyone else involved.

I don't like this either though Well, not so much the making of plans on my own... but as we've said before I really do want to share my life with someone. I am afraid of becoming too unavailable and not being able to really have a complementary relationship. I do want to be able to "co-create" a life with someone. I think I know what you mean broadly speaking in terms of not putting all the eggs in that one basket.

TJT...he is GONE. You are already living your life without him. Make it a GREAT one!!!

You are right, you are right, you are right. It is so hard. But you are right. He is gone. He chose not to try. He chose to go.

Every person on earth needs this lesson and it comes in different forms. This is ours.

This is like 50 lessons, including:
- "Betrayal: $h!t You Didn't Believe People Could Do"
- "Trust and Other Myths"
- "Self Esteem: How Low Can You Go?"
- "Mental Health: Try Not To Die"
- "Commitment: That Was Fast "
- "Love: It's NOT A FEELING"
- "Aliens Do Exist"
- "Infidelity: The Fastest Way To Redecorate Your Home!"
- "Olympic Lie Telling"

It's definitely weird to be afraid of oneself, but you're exactly right Yail...we can't keep trying to force ourselves to be the same person when internally our cells are spinning in chaos and rebuilding in a completely new way! It would be nice if this were more like the process a caterpillar goes through though, and I could just stay in a cocoon for a while until it's over.

[DejaVu6]

The list of lessons made me laugh outloud!!! Nice to see we can still have a sense of humour about it and that list was so d@mn accurate!!! It is important to laugh once in awhile. Gets us through the tough times. Going to bed with a smile on my face now. Thanks. (((HUGS)))

[Joe2017]

Hey TJT,

I remember having similar conversations. We were always building building building, and at some point we kinda hit pause on the two of us until things calmed down with work and the kids. It only took a year of hitting pause before it all went to [censored]. I mean we finally had everything we dreamed about at the beginning... we were both making good money. Kids were going to college within a few years. We had the big house with the pool and the awesome yard. Our FB pics were awesome. We had two brand new vehicles. Fur babies were happy. Blah blah blah blah bleh.

Then one day she decided to throw it all away. I felt like literal garbage, or worse. Like that nasty bit at the bottom of the dumpster that is caked on. I was tossed out in the trash but I was still there just soaking in mess. Oh, and it was all my fault, too. She cheated on ME because (fill in the blank). Didn’t matter what it was, it was my dang fault. “You made me do this” kind of crap. Ugh.

Anyhow. I think you should take the initiative. You need to be able to move on with your life. You are super smart, so you already know this. But you can’t hold out for him. You have a chance to make your life exactly the way you want it now.

Will you be lonely? Yeah.

But you know what? You are going to find the right person for you. Don’t go out and find a rebound just because you’re lonely. Honestly, I suggest not dating for a while. It took me about one month of healing per year of my marriage before I could even smile again without forcing it. I did not date anyone during this timeframe. It would have been bad for everyone involved.

And when you are ready to date other men? BE PICKY. You don’t have to settle for anything less than what you deserve.

[Grace21]

Will you be lonely? Yeah.

But you know what? You are going to find the right person for you. Don’t go out and find a rebound just because you’re lonely. Honestly, I suggest not dating for a while.

I've thought about this a lot, and people say "Oh, you'll have no problem finding someone else". Well, I don't want someone else right now. I'm finding ME, and I like it. As I sometimes lonely? Yes. Not often, though, because I'm filling up my life with friends and activities I enjoy. But, you can be very lonely living with someone too I realized. And I'm happier being lonely living alone than I was living with H in the state he was in and our M was in.

[DejaVu6]

Yes...that’s the ticket. That concept took me awhile to get. I realized that I have been lonely for a long time and that I had been living with the idea of my H for a long time. When I did see him, he was preoccupied, irritable and distant. I got so used to that presentation, I stopped wanting or expecting more because I thought it was just a by-product of his illness and treatment regime. It wasn’t. It was him detaching from me (and not in a loving way) and living a life of lies. It is better to be alone than to be lonely in a one-sided relationship that chips away at your self esteem. I’m like you. I don’t want someone else right now. I loved my H wholeheartedly and unconditionally and that isn’t something you just turn off. I need to grieve the loss of my marriage first and find me again. BTW...I cannot wait to read your future posts when you tell us you can’t believe how much better your life is and that you ever doubted it would be. (((TJT)))

[Yail]

It would be nice if this were more like the process a caterpillar goes through though, and I could just stay in a cocoon for a while until it's over.

I'm sure the caterpillar is experiencing incredible turmoil as well.

One of my favorite artists is a spoken word poet. One of the lines that turns about in my head a lot these days is:

"I said to the sun, tell me about the Big Bang
The sun said, 'It hurts to become.'"


And your book titles are pure gold. Seriously. Best thing I've read here

[TJT]

Thanks team!! Tried to be funny, it helped a little.

I definitely do not want a rebound relationship. And I think my level of pickiness is going to skyrocket. In fact I think part of my fear is the fact that I have never really "chosen" my mates before at all. It's always just "happened" and with H I thought it was meant to be for that reason. The prospect of me having to FIND that person is terrifying. Yet I know if I just sit here in the house forever, there's no way I'll find anyone or even be found!

Grace and DV, I'm right there with you not feeling like I want anyone else. And I am also trying my hardest to think of the same things you are regarding the things I was already living without when H was here.

* How he hadn't slept in the bed with me for over a year, if not closer to two.
* How he worked almost every single weekend.
* How he had stopped watching TV with me and didn't seem to care if I tried to watch what he was watching with him.
* How he stopped cooking for me even though I told him so many times how much I liked it when he did (instead, he asked me to do it more, and I was repaid by him bringing OW into our home and him cooking a meal for her in my kitchen).

There are plenty of reasons to know there's something better. Unfortunately, the fact that H DID do the "right" things at one point in time is what keeps that hope alive. I mean, if he was that way once, surely he can return to that, right?

I was ready to go to have the paperwork submitted to be filed today. I opened up the calendar on my phone to see if he had added anything new to it, hoping that I WOULD find more to help solidify I am doing the right thing.

It backfired because instead I found that his grandfather passed away yesterday. I knew he had had a stroke from the ILs, but didn't know it ended that way.

In being a normal, empathetic human I don't want to add insult to injury in filing right after his grandfather died. On the other hand I know I can't continue to shield this man from his own form of "life" happening to him. I also feel like maybe if stuff "piles up" on him, it could catalyze him snapping out of his fog (that sounds terrible, but that's just the honest way I'm thinking right now). OR maybe it would just make him even more angry at me.

I hope that OW gets overwhelmed by H having to deal with this stuff and that he does to her what he did to me whenever he was upset, which is acting "off" but not speaking about anything. Or downplaying his feelings like it just is what it is and everything will be fine. It's so early in their R, at least in terms of them being together "full time", that I could see it putting a wedge between them. Or, maybe they are still so tolerant that it will be seen as a "bonding" experience. F that. What does her 22 YO self know.

So I guess I can proceed with filing now and just not tell him right away... or I can just wait to file until a few weeks from now to begin with, but then that will be the new year and I don't just want to be making excuses for myself. For the record, as I was getting ready this morning I did have a fleeting moment of clarity where I just sat there and said to myself, "Where is my dignity? Who am I if I just sit here and accept this situation?"

This is where I can totally justify why we ALL choose to "sit here", and that it does not at all mean we think it's okay or accept their actions, and thus I don't have to do anything to prove that. But I don't feel like I'm being very supportive of myself, and that's what got me to this point. I need to DO something that says "if this is what H is choosing to do, this is what I must do for myself" - unless he comes forward and does anything different.

It is not my fault that he has not taken me up on wanting to try to work on our M. It is not unreasonable for me to expect him to fight for me even if I've already filed, or even if we are D, if/when he snaps out of it. If he uses the fact that I have filed or D'ed him as a reason not to get back together, he probably doesn't want me back bad enough anyway, or at the least it will show he has not have worked through his own ego issues enough to put that to the side, or for the value he's placing on our relationship to be greater than those feelings.

And that's what I want in a partner. Someone who will care about my thoughts and feelings and want to understand them and work on them and admit to wrongdoing but be willing to make things better. Not run and hide and make excuses.

[TJT]

Wanted to also write about upcoming GALing since I haven't in a while:

- I think I already mentioned, but I have a girlfriend from out of town coming over later today and we are going to grill out, hang out, and she is going to stay the night in my big hotel of a house, hah. (This is good for me because it gives me purpose and joy to get the house in order and have someone stay to enjoy it!)

- In the 2nd week of Jan. I am going to Mexico with another friend (along with some other friends of hers that I don't necessarily know well) to celebrate her birthday. I am looking forward to it except there's not many swimsuits available in the stores right now and I need to get some new ones for this trip!

I did try a few options from what I could find in Target yesterday, but it didn't go well... I always misjudge the sizing and end up feeling bad when something doesn't fit. But I've learned the difference in how something that's well-made can totally change the whole situation so I'm just blaming it on quality and hope to go somewhere else to find something better before the trip! Hey, just like my H! (more jokes, hah. Didn't even plan that one).

[SoTorn]

Will you be lonely? Yeah.

But you know what? You are going to find the right person for you. Don’t go out and find a rebound just because you’re lonely. Honestly, I suggest not dating for a while.

I've thought about this a lot, and people say "Oh, you'll have no problem finding someone else". Well, I don't want someone else right now. I'm finding ME, and I like it. As I sometimes lonely? Yes. Not often, though, because I'm filling up my life with friends and activities I enjoy. But, you can be very lonely living with someone too I realized. And I'm happier being lonely living alone than I was living with H in the state he was in and our M was in.

You don't need to date, but it is good to build your social circle. I have gone and had coffee with a few women. I am in no hurry to start any new romantic relationship and I make that very well known, but it is very nice to meet new and nice people. So far I have met three women that are really nice people. I told every single one of them of my situation and that at this point in time I am just making new friends PERIOD. All of them have accepted that and arent pursuing me in anyway beyond just being friendly and chit chatting. Its nice.