Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Turbine]

I have been reading and thinking and after my coaching session I have more to think about and work on. So here is an update.

Coaching session went well. I was assigned to write an apology letter. First draft was not an apology letter according to my coach. So I had to rewrite it and we reviewed and refined it. I typed it up to make use of the grammar and spell check. That is done so now I will rewrite it by hand, slowly in script, so it will be personal and hopefully meaningful. Will she read it or respond? She doesn't have to and I am even including that in the letter at the end.

Confirmed meeting with both lawyers and Mahal on Wednesday. I have no idea how this will go or what will be said. Like I said I am no longer sure what I feel at times. Part of me wants this to end and part of me isn't willing to quit yet.

So this past Thursday I stopped after work to hit the gym. There was a prayer meeting that I attended before I got home. When I did, my W was eating her dinner. Sushi and rotisserie chicken. Yes, I know, not a very balanced meal. Not exactly a strong point in our house. Yet another item to be corrected with or without her. *sad* She offered me some when I was looking in the refrigerator for something to eat. I accepted and thanked her. I didn't sit down and eat with her because my phone coaching session was going to start in a few minutes. Was that a mistake? Beats me. I mean there are other times when she has left when I get ready to eat... I don't understand the rules anymore.

So I have new homework to do. I asked my coach about an extended period before the next session and she was okay with that. She even said she has noticed a change in my attitude. To be honest that feels good to here. Of course it could be she is saying that to encourage me to not stop trying. I don't know. I will take the position of it was an open and honest opinion. Got that encouragement from a second source so... maybe my ship is changing course. Still headed toward some shoals and a rocky shore but maybe I can get through this with just minor hull damage. Navy veteran... some analogies stick with me better than others.

So I haven't decided about returning the art and pictures to the places they hung or not. On the wall they don't take up space in the living room. Which again is getting filled up. Not happy about that. When it was my parent's stuff it was a problem but now that its her stuff it is okay because she filed for a D? I so want to call her on this. Why not? Am I afraid she will get angry at me? She is already wanting out and has filed for a D. What have I got to loose?

Had another training session at the gym. New aches but I did surprise my coach a little so that is a good thing.

My oldest has committed to getting back into shape. The other two are moving that direction as well. W has been hitting the gym before I was. So all of us are trying to get into better shape. It would be nice if W would open up the tiniest amount to see this. Maybe she has. If she has, from what I have read in the book and on the forums, there is a huge portion of skepticism on what she is seeing. Totally understandable.

My coach encouraged me to use certain words and phases and avoid others. Especially ones that are of a permanent nature. You know, words like : never, always. It hurt when w said Never getting back together. I feel I can survive without her. That I don't NEED to be married to her but i do WANT to be married to her. That is my position. I guess I haven't really changed that much then. Or is it? Riding in the middle of the hurricane seems nice and peaceful. Yeah... break the wall around the eye though...

Anyway I woke up with less than a PMA. Actually an NMA (negative mental attitude), complete with some dark thoughts. Doing a bit better now. Prayed, morning routine (brush teeth etc), wrote this post. So right now I'd say just above zero. Maybe some breakfast will help. Could be a blood sugar level being low.

[Turbine]

Lets see. I have my apology letter handwritten for my W. Tomorrow we and the lawyers are supposed to have a meeting that is being pitched as a settlement meeting. Why does that sound rather final and less than desirable? Maybe because it is? Talk about a near perfect vacuum...

So I guess I will give her the letter tonight. She already wants a D. Why? She has a long list of whys. I am not as detached as I should be. Am I in better shape than before? I hope so because there is still lots of storm ahead.

Maybe tossing my expectations out here will help. Or gather a round of 2x4s. Those seem to be lacking...

So what do I expect to happen. Well there is the highly unlikely result where she says okay we can try to work on us and the D is ended or paused. Of course there is the other end where she blurts out about a PA and my world turns into a black hole on the spot. Of course there are all the possibilities in between. So yeah, my imagination is running around like a three year old post sugar binge and pre sugar crash. Where is a 2x4 when I need one myself...

So one of the guys at a favorite hangout retired. Party at the store. I got to wish him well and get a picture with him. New FB picture with a little explanation. Attended a game session and a dinner after that. A couple plays with us and over the next few months are moving to AZ. Got a picture of that dinner too. Going to miss having them in the group but they will always be welcome. Its GAL isn't it?

To be honest I am not sure.

Saturday night my grand niece asked my for a favor. She needed a ride to the airport Sunday morning. I said yes so I was there early and found we needed to add attending church to the mix. I would have had time but she wouldn't have. Its important so we made it work. Got to the airport with 50 minutes to departure and when I got home she had sent a message saying there was a hour delay. Hmm... got no explanation for that kind of timing. It worked though.

Upon further reflection... yeah so not detached. grrrr.... (at me)

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Turbine,

I hope the letter is well received. I think it is important for you to prepare yourself for tomorrow. Make sure you remain very confident and upbeat. Pay attention to your body language - don't fidget or squirm. Look the devil in the eyes and don't blink. Speak clearly. These things will all make a difference.

Good luck.

[Turbine]

Thanks ovrrnbw,

I hope it is too. I had typed it out for grammar and spelling. Printed it even. Hand written though and signed. More personal. Even after all this she still is my shinning star. Yeah, I messed up. Yeah, she isn't perfect, there are flaws. I accept them. Of course I wish she worked on them. like she does with my flaws. Even the effort would be something. Self improvement you know. Might even improve her relationship with our kids. That is on her though. So now we see how it plays out. According to His plan. Reconcile would be great (a bit selfish to be honest) but that path is in the dark and fogged over.

[Turbine]

Well she seems to have not read the letter and just returned it. So by the book that is a negative response and I should drop it. However this morning she did reply to Good morning. What to do...

Meeting this afternoon with the lawyers. Ugh. Got a notice from the bank addressed to my Dad requesting records. He has been dead three years. Only reason he was brought into this is because my name was on their (parents) account. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. W knows they are dead.

Sort of hard to have a PMA with this stuff happening.

I am not so happy with my younger D right now. She and my son are expecting me to spend the weekend at their place. Not feeling it right now. Why deprive myself of family time? Just not into it right now. Although that can change by the end of the day.

Still praying that God gives me the strength to get through this. He will too. Providing family and friends to support me. Now to ignore the whistle on the long black train. (I wonder if anyone will understand this reference...)

[Turbine]

Today's work load isn't enough to help me kick the NMA and get to a PMA. So that train whistle is not fading away. Have several calibrations to do today as well. Already missed one standard. My head isn't in the game today. Got church tonight... there is a whole lot of doubt...

Back to feeling useless and unwanted. Yeah its all in my head. Got lots to work out.

There are lots of women at the gym. You know what goes through my head? Not any of them are my W.

I read here and there are so many of you that seem far stronger than I am feeling. I read how hard it is. So I know what I am feeling isn't unique.

I pray that the meeting would be a huge and positive surprise. I guess I will see.

[Turbine]

Nope, right now I couldn't care less if I get fired, have a terminal traffic accident or get hit by lightning. Day wen't south in a hurry and I still have the meeting this afternoon.

Even feel like taking my stuff and walking out the door and not say boo to anyone. Pack the car with a few things and just go away.

[AndrewP]

I wrote my now ex a long letter begging her to reconsider and to become part of the family again. I poured my heart and soul into that thing. She did read it and I think it did have an impact on her.

She still left.

There is a far shore to this journey. But a lot of bumpy road between here and there.

Stay true to yourself.

[Turbine]

My letter was an apology letter encouraged by my coach. Apparently ignored.

[SoTorn]

Today's work load isn't enough to help me kick the NMA and get to a PMA. So that train whistle is not fading away. Have several calibrations to do today as well. Already missed one standard. My head isn't in the game today. Got church tonight... there is a whole lot of doubt...

Back to feeling useless and unwanted. Yeah its all in my head. Got lots to work out.

There are lots of women at the gym. You know what goes through my head? Not any of them are my W.

I read here and there are so many of you that seem far stronger than I am feeling. I read how hard it is. So I know what I am feeling isn't unique.

I pray that the meeting would be a huge and positive surprise. I guess I will see.

There are a lot of women in this world and none of them are your W. But there are a lot of them that would sure love to give you attention and be nice to you. So just don't forget that.

I just want to share with you my experiences lately. I have lost a ton of weight and can honestly say I look great. I feel that I am above average on the looks scale now. That being said, I was also just pining for my WW. Completely ignoring the world moving on around me. I took a step back and said "I am going to actually pay attention to what pops up" because I deserve to enjoy my life. Once I started doing that I actually garnered quite a bit of attention from women. Of course I have not gone and started a relationship, but yes I have been talking to whoever wants to talk to me.

Now that I know that I am actually a marketable man, and would have zero problems finding another woman, my confidence has soared. I have literally sat back and said "wow, am I this good looking?" What in the world suddenly changed besides my looks that is now causing a reaction with women where they are approaching me and asking me out?

I guess that would be the detachment, GAL and 180's. Feels good. And honestly its pulling me out of my past, yanking me kicking and screaming out of my hurt, sadness, anger and resentment, and making me realize that my future is what I make of it. Not what WW makes of it. Me. I am no longer "afraid" if WW doesnt come back. No I don't want a D still but if she doesnt come back I will be perfectly fine. If she does come back she better have made some major changes or there is zero chance with this man.