Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Turbine]

I've had much to think about the last few days. Reading Gordie's threads are inspiring on many levels. Brings up things I wonder about in my sitch. Tosses ideas around about those very things.

There was an interesting analogy brought up. Likening your wayward spouse to a phoenix. Stand too close and get hurt from debris or the flames from the emerging creature. In a way each of us as the left behind are doing the same thing. So I wonder about surviving the transformation.

Fear was another topic covered. Fear of being alone. Fear of the future in general. TBH I suspect a good portion of my angst is just that... fear. Fear of being alone,even with great supportive children, extended family and friends. Fear of being a failure. Failing to be who and what I should have been to keep her. Fear of being honest in looking at myself. Looking at her.

I feel that I haven't made enough changes in myself to count any of it as progress.

The minister I am talking with about faith and church is proud of my progress. Still, I feel that I am lacking something there. Lying to God is never smart and who really believes you can get away with that anyway? So more self doubt. W's attendance is spotty (I guess). Don't really keep track of it. Wish she would return. But that would mean accepting her actions are wrong with the whole D thing. Work on me and my faith.

Been to the gym three times and hit the bike for a our each one. More calories and more distance. Easy to see improvements. Not even close to any of the goals I am setting there.

Slow on learning Tagalog too. Honestly not expecting fast progress there, so any is good.

Call with my DB coach tomorrow. Interesting on how that will go. Still want the miracle. Some days more than others. Right now... yeah, want it but more open to an alternate ending. As He wills.

[Yail]

Turbine - with learning Tagalog, what is your preferred study method? I ask because I'm a big fan of Pimsleur. They're audio CDs if you aren't familiar, and the spaced repetition has been a great help to me. They're pricey though.

[Turbine]

Yail, to be honest I have a coworker, in laws, nieces and nephews and nearly everyone at church who can help me. I also have a word a day email. TV shows when my mother in law lived with us. Most of what I am learning is a word or phrase at a time. Horrible inefficient but I am trying to rewire my brain for something I had trouble with earlier in life. Darn near flunked Spanish more than once. Got a lot of Ds one year.

So meeting at work. Boss says this Friday will be the last furlough for the year. December is a short work month because of the holidays. It will be nice to have a 40 hour week check again. Going to be a little tough breaking the half day Friday addiction. Need the money more than the time off so...

So would like to see Mahal go back to church. Was such a large part of her life for so long. Makes me a little sad that she will toss that away for God knows what reason. I really hope she isn't doing so because I am returning to something she wanted and pushed me to do for so long. Yeah, I went the first time to show I could change and was willing to. Now... now I want to because I am finding a peace that has been lacking for far too long. How ironic that would be to return and she leaves... without returning because she is having a tantrum. Choice of words only... mind reading would be pointless.

So I had hit the gym pretty consistently over the past 3 days. All cardio so today is a rest day. Need the sleep anyway because I got about 5 hours last night. don't over do it Turbine. I have goals. got to make the effort to achieve them. More importantly is to be smart in doing so.

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff. There is a great deal I need to work out. Talking to my self at work might be okay for working on the equipment but this... a measure of discretion is called for. I mean there is so many things I would like to get out and express to her. Yeah... not always the best choice. Not always the worst but right now... who knows. So I might write her a letter here. Will she ever see it? Only if I copy and save it to a file for her. I might find it therapeutic in detaching and letting go. Which for the record has a part of me climbing the walls. I know why we have to... doing so yeah... I don't need to tell anyone reading the rest of that.

Annual physical next week. Definitely have some things to cover with my Dr.

Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. Miss both my parents... wonder if my sister will have a down day. Really don't care. (I suppose that is the level of detach I should have about my W... hmmm) Went to extra effort to make arrangements for her (sister) to get out to the grave for our Dad's funeral. She can't walk that far and her power chair isn't the off road model. Cemetery was going to have someone drive her out in a golf cart and back. She couldn't handle it. ...smh... I tell you it was tough being a pall bearer for both of them. I did it though. I felt like I had to. Enough of that. I have enough going on that has me come apart at the seams.

[Turbine]

Phone call with DB coach. Part of that was pretty rough. Sounds like after/during the exercise she was getting choked up. Could be my imagination. I will tell you I felt like boot scrapings from a stable after that. Still feel like I am ahead of what the coach has me doing. However I will do as I am being lead. Even if this ends not as I would like, post BD this is my choice on how to try to mend this R with my Mahal, my wife. Got more homework to do. Lots to mull over about that call. Got to do it though.

God knows what I want. It seems to be almost all I ask Him for. Sort of selfish isn't it. Aren't we allowed to be selfish once in a while? Wanting to be happy? Our wayward to be happy (preferable with us)? Yeah, sometimes it doesn't happen. Even if it does not on our timetable.

So my GAL today is hitting the gym. Session with the trainer too. W took her gym bag so likely that is where she will be too. Different location so I won't be showing off for her. Wrong reason to be dong this. Wrong to be worried about her. NO, IT"S NOT. The wrong is letting it throw me for a loop. Divert me from my goal. So got to work on the detach more. Not sure how I am doing on that front. Can't even compare it to a dragster spinning the wheels before the race. More like the darn thing stalled on the starting line. Breathe Turbine.

So I will focus on me, hit the gym because I want to avoid the health issues my Dad had. For me, my kids and grandkids, extended family... even my W. Maybe even a future GF. I don't want that... not now... maybe not at all. Some of this is still too raw and there is a steady drip of kerosene on the wound. (Yes as bad as salt water, maybe worse)

So this isn't a letter to her. More half baked thought trains in the freight yard between my ears.

Am I even off the starting blocks in this marathon? God only knows... and I have no idea how far away the finish line is. Like wearing a blindfold. So any thoughts about her and where she is in this area a waste of time.

[Turbine]

So I was rereading my last post. Part of the end of the first paragraph reads a little sloppy a few hours later. To clarify my clumsy attempt:

I am the reason I am posting here. My actions and my failure to understand my Mahal are mine. My choice to post here and share with all of you is my choice. Choosing to follow the advice given in DR, from here and from the DB coach is all my choice. I don't have to follow any of it. So if it continues and ends without the MR 2.0 there will still be Turbine 2.0. The actions I am taking to make me into Turbine 2.0 are because of what has happened. Because my W expressed her pain and anger and frustration with MR 1.0. These changes will have to be for me to last. To even have a chance at MR 2.0.

So training session with the gym coach went well. Learned a few things. All in all a good thing. Looking toward next session with mixed feelings. Going to be harder so keep focused on the goal.

GAL with grandsons, younger daughter, son, grand niece today. Memories without... will she regret it someday like not seeing the grandbaby before she is a year old? That's on her. Although next time I make a trip I will offer per my DB coach.

[Turbine]

Back at my daughters. Spent the afternoon at MSI in Chicago. I hate going into the city. Saw the Pixar exhibit. Really cool stuff. Toured the Zephyr. Hadn't done that before. Very interesting.

The Christmas trees around the world are on display this time of year. Yes, went and found the tree from the Philippines.

Got my grandson to walk on my back. Oh that was sooo needed.

Yeah, thought about W during time at the museum. Would like to do that with her. Maybe in the future. Maybe not.

Detach right?

[Turbine]

Introspective ...

W was at church today. Took pictures with our nieces. Ignored me... Part of the Thanksgiving is to not participate if you have a grudge. You are supposed to go and make amends before going through with it. So much for her beliefs. Really makes me wonder what is going on with her. Detach Turbine detach. Why I had any expectations...

Maybe this is a test from God. Test from her.... I need to flip this... or something...

Except I lost ground again. Held it together in church but started falling apart in the parking lot. Made it to the car before completely loosing it. Whiskey Tango....

Going to the gym tonight I believe.

Will be thinking about this again. I want to but... is this still worth fighting for? I am the only one that can decide that. One session with the personal trainer... would be really weak to cave now. What does that say about my commitment and all the stuff I wrote before... smh...

The holidays have always been a contentious time for us... so rarely felt the "holiday spirit" since we have been married. Since I am trying to return maybe I shouldn't even care...

Likely going to younger daughter's for the 25th. Go see a movie with them. Marry Poppins... Aquaman... ???... we'll see.

[Turbine]

I haven't disappeared nor done anything terminally stupid. In the grand scheme I am a single thread in the tapestry. Very likely not even missed... to family and friends... I hope more important. To one in particular,well right now our opinions and "worth" about each other differ. Over time... we shall see.

My reading is current on Gordie. What a tough path he has walked to date.

Time to get up to speed on several others posting. Get my homework done my DB coach assigned. I've been drafting in my head. Now just to get it written down for the next session.

Annual physical went well. my Dr. recommended a few changes in my goals as far as hitting the gym. Look at loosing more weight and not so much attention on the BMI. She is the expert, I trust her and have for years.

W and I were playing a game sort of. I put my toothbrush in the holder. She would put it out. Return it. She removed hers. I put it back. Holder traveled around the counter top... Silly interaction I know. No arguing. No throwing a toothbrush out...

She has washed some of her laundry. I had a load in the dryer that was done. Removed mine, put hers in and started it. Letting it sit damp gives it a chance to mildew and that's just nasty. I didn't say anything nor expect any response. W did say thank you about that. A positive... civil response beats angry or no response.

I so want to get her something for the holidays. To not feels so very wrong. Sadly there are expectations there. Not that she would have anything for me. Expecting a positive response, a smile, a thank you...

I know I have more work to do on me. Can't worry about her. Seems we both have work to do.

May everyone have the best time you can with family and friends this Christmas.

[Twofeet]

Turbine,

I think I heard burned say on another thread to just give a gift to charity in W name. It won't be pursuit because she won't see it and it does a lot of good.

[Turbine]

Well I hope everyone enjoys their holiday. As best as we can anyway.

I am spending it with my son and younger daughter. No grandkids, all of them are with their dads. so we are going to see a movie. Saw Aquaman yesterday.

W can push buttons on me and I can on her. So messed up. Not good DB is it.

No gift for her, expecting nothing, maybe grief.

W paid a bill from the joint account and hasn't contributed to it for a long time. Going to have to ask my L about removing her or filing a complaint with her L and the court. More disappointed with her than angry. How on earth does she expect to do this? All I can see is more pain and misery ahead. Ugh.

Going to hit the gym tomorrow too.