First Post Here - Any Advice Appreciated

[Adam04]

One big mistake newbies make is talking. It is important to change your behavior.


It is a new attitude. It is a learned skill that you need to practice with someone else besides your spouse, while maintaining your boundaries.

I really agree with this.


JT, hang in there buddy... DO NOT GET ON FB or any social media, ITS A TRAP.


Let her feel what its like to be without you. If you text her, why does she even need to temp check you, you are alrdy showing her you are right there at her command. And what's worse, she would most likely think you are interfering with her family time and not like you even more... The nerve of them sometimes, but its true.

You wanted to comfort her? The woman who wants to D, has no respect for you right now, is showing interest in someone other than you? And because you can't, its bringing you down? On top of this you have the whole house to yourself. You have the whole world at your doorstep brother.

My W came to me today crying and sad about our MR. Do you know what saved me from crying? The above... We have to have a little substance to endure everything they throw at us. We can't be weak and cry in front of them, and we cant be weak when they aren't around and chase them. This doesn't mean you can't grieve or be sad, but don't act outside of what the situation calls for from you.

BTW, I LOVE ALONE TIME. If you aren't that way, then go out and do something with someone, other than W. As a kid, I could spend all my Saturdays at the public library for hours upon opening to close. One summer as a kid, I spent all my days locked in my room drawing pictures. Indoor times are good for reading and other hobbies or things you like, just stay away from the dirty books jkjk had to say it (())

[Jtayl71]

One big mistake newbies make is talking. It is important to change your behavior.


It is a new attitude. It is a learned skill that you need to practice with someone else besides your spouse, while maintaining your boundaries.

Hey Ready, I am a little confused by your post. When you say talking are you meaning, talking as in the LBS just talks about changing but doesnt actually make the necessary changes in their behavior or do you mean talking as in talking to their spouse? As I read it i am incline to think you are referring to the first instance.

JT,

you did the right thing. Texting her is the emotional response.

Most guys know the saying "think with your big head and not your little one". The little one thinks emotionally, but God blessed us with the big head to think logically.

Getting out when this stuff is on your mind is imperative. Go to the gym, play a sport, play a computer game, go to the library, coffee shop, something when this stuff is on your mind or it will eat you up. This is how you take control of your emotions.

You'll get stronger throughout this experience. You can see my timeline, it doesn't go away quickly or easily. But you show big balls and fight like a SOB to get better and you will get better and you will see results.

Thanks ovrr, I am trying to make the changes I need to make. Still just trying to figuring out exactly how that translates into actions on my part. Thanks for the words. I'm sure I will get stronger as the time passes, I can already see that in the number of good days I am having versus before.

[Ready2Change]

Hey Ready, I am a little confused by your post. When you say talking are you meaning, talking as in the LBS just talks about changing but doesn’t actually make the necessary changes in their behavior or do you mean talking as in talking to their spouse? As I read it i am incline to think you are referring to the first instance.

I was referring to having conversations with their spouse. They believe that "I will talk my out of this mess". They believe reasoning will work.

I have never seen anyone post here saying: I told my wife I love her and she immediately ended all contact with OM. The only thing I see working is tough love. Lots of action and little words.

[Jtayl71]

Hey Ready, I am a little confused by your post. When you say talking are you meaning, talking as in the LBS just talks about changing but doesn’t actually make the necessary changes in their behavior or do you mean talking as in talking to their spouse? As I read it i am incline to think you are referring to the first instance.

I was referring to having conversations with their spouse. They believe that "I will talk my out of this mess". They believe reasoning will work.

I have never seen anyone post here saying: I told my wife I love her and she immediately ended all contact with OM. The only thing I see working is tough love. Lots of action and little words.

Ah okay, I misread your post. Yeah I tried that when she was living away, that crap didnt work, she just dug in deeper. I have not initiated contact in a while and dont plan on it soon, even though it is very tempting. I think you are entirely correct in that fact that only actions change mindsets not words.

[Jtayl71]

Hey guys, I hope everyone is doing well and had a great New Year. I am in need of some advice, current update, nothing has changed since Christmas, have had zero contact since then.

So she split our bank accounts by basically opening her own account and transferring exactly half of all of our savings and checking and transferred it over to her new account. So the checking account that I still have is the one that all of our bills still come out of. Mortgage, car insurance, etc.. She said she would still pay for half of these expenses, but she has not transferred anything back over to "my account" to cover these items. I have plenty of cash to cover any of these expenses over the next six months or so, so my question is should I seek out this money now and contact her about it, or just let everything ride until things are either reconciled or finished, and if she still wants the divorce basically hit her with a bill? I want to keep not contacting her but not sure if that would be perceived as weak... Thanks for the input as always.

[Ready2Change]

First, Get legal advise.

Also, open up an account in your name only. Get your money going into it.

I see that splitting the bills 50/50 as the fair option unless their is a big discrepancy in incomes. Ask your lawyer. You can also ask spouse their thought.

H:"W, Our monthly expenses is X. How do you plan on covering your portion?"


Continue making the payments. Track what you pay. You can claim a % of the payments spouse should reimburse.

H:"W, Last month I paid X for our bills. Please send me a check for Y to cover your portion."

[ovrrnbw]

JT,

get your "half" out of that account and into your own name.

Do not start "running a tab" for her and expect to "hit her with a bill". That will get laughed out of court quicker than a cat covering $h!+ in a hailstorm. Just roll with her idea of splitting bills 50/50. That is totally fair and she suggested it so that's good.

If she hasn't transferred her half yet, you can forward her the bills in an email as a reminder. It probably just depends on when the bills are due.

[Ready2Change]

Opps...I missed that she said she would pay for half.

[Jtayl71]

First, Get legal advise.

Also, open up an account in your name only. Get your money going into it.

I see that splitting the bills 50/50 as the fair option unless their is a big discrepancy in incomes. Ask your lawyer. You can also ask spouse their thought.

H:"W, Our monthly expenses is X. How do you plan on covering your portion?"


Continue making the payments. Track what you pay. You can claim a % of the payments spouse should reimburse.

H:"W, Last month I paid X for our bills. Please send me a check for Y to cover your portion."

Well, I opened my own bank account and got my money going to it. I reached out to her today to ask if she could keep our dog and I e-mailed her her car insurance ID cards because I got our new ones in. She responded but was very short and did not continue any type of conversation. I am so fed up with this whole ordeal, trying to stay strong but I just want to call and give her a piece of my mind right now haha. Anyway, I'm still trying to decide the best way to approach asking for the moeny, I think I will just use your example pretty much. But im also trying to figure out if there is some better way to word it since all of our communication is over text message.

[Ready2Change]

I set the boundary that primary communication is via email. I asked X to notify me via text that email has been sent.

Much easier to type emails on computer than texting.