LBS dealing with WW (part 6)

[Phoenix9]

But would it be tacky to say that I love her, but I'm not IN love with her?

Not at all. It makes perfect sense.

[Jim1234]

I have my guard up so high and I don’t know if I can let it down.

Joe, this quote struck a note with me. This is something that seeing a MC can help with.

I think it's a great idea to write it down, and later, months later perhaps, decide then whether you want to share it with her.

BI’ve been so focused on making her prove herself that maybe I haven’t given her enough credit for the things she actually HAS done..

I think you would be well served by this.

And you are in completely new territory. It's ok to be unsure. Take it slow. Take it easy.

[Joe2017]

Thanks Jim. I have adjusted my attitude and tried to see how much XW is trying now. It's actually night and day compared to what we had in our MR. She is much more thoughtful, she is always asking me for my opinion, and she makes extra effort to look nice for no reason other than I'm around. So, she really acts like she's very interested in dating me, and that is nice. Time will tell if this will last, but I am in no hurry. I just need to keep giving her credit for what she does to rebuild our R.

Journal:
We did a little NYE thing together and it went well. We had a short talk about our MR and the A, in which she said she values marriage. I made a clear line in the sand and told her that she didn't value ours, so how can she say that? She says she made a mistake and she will never stop making it up to me for the rest of her life. Hmm. OK, validated it and moved on. I'm not sure... Seemed like a foggy thing to say, like cake eating. Hard to reconcile those statements. Got to give that more thought, maybe.

She really does seem genuine, though. No matter how steadfast I am in denying her any sympathy for her behavior during A she has continued to take responsibility. I wonder if she still "loves" OM. Which would not bother me if it were just an old boyfriend. I still love my ex-GF, things just didn't work out with us. The difference is my ex was not an OW. Maybe that's just semantics.

Piecing is harder than I thought it would be. One day at a time...

[Joe2017]

Wow. Today I woke up from a really upsetting dream regarding my XW and I've been feeling doubt about her all day.

XW regressing and cheating again is definitely my deepest fear. I am stuck. I want to trust her with my heart but I can't. Not yet, maybe never. Of course it's early but still.

I almost feel like I detached so much over the last year that I can't regain the emotional ties that are essential to a marriage or LTR.

I may have to put this R on hold.

[GFT00]

Wow. Today I woke up from a really upsetting dream regarding my XW and I've been feeling doubt about her all day.

XW regressing and cheating again is definitely my deepest fear. I am stuck. I want to trust her with my heart but I can't. Not yet, maybe never. Of course it's early but still.

I almost feel like I detached so much over the last year that I can't regain the emotional ties that are essential to a marriage or LTR.

I may have to put this R on hold.

Did she ever cheat before she met you? I think you know my sitch and the one thing I’ve gotten from doing research is that if their parents were cheaters and if they cheated before this is their go to behavior when things get difficult.

[Phoenix9]

Wow. Today I woke up from a really upsetting dream regarding my XW and I've been feeling doubt about her all day.

XW regressing and cheating again is definitely my deepest fear. I am stuck. I want to trust her with my heart but I can't. Not yet, maybe never. Of course it's early but still.

I almost feel like I detached so much over the last year that I can't regain the emotional ties that are essential to a marriage or LTR.

I may have to put this R on hold.

You go at your own pace, Joe. YOU have the power. And you will ultimately decide whether or not you want to give this woman another chance. Your WW has inflicted so much damage and pain to you. Of course going back to the person who has caused this pain is a huge risk. HUGE! You have a lot of PTSD from this ordeal. And of course you are going to be cautious and have doubts.

My piecing advice may not jibe with the advice with the folks who successfully, so I would advise you lean on them more for guidelines on what to do.

That being said, you will need to eventually open up bit by bit to her and re-establish the trust essential for a relationship. Maybe seek the services of a family counselor to help. Maybe post here about what you are thinking of doing/saying and get an objective viewpoint of your current situation and have the knowledge and tools needed to make a smart LOGICAL decision.

There are a lot of folks here who are rooting for you, Joe. Me included. Inspire us. Give us hope. The hope to move forward and live our best life with whomever they may be.

Lots of love.

[burned]

You detached abruptly and strongly, less than a year ago. By the way you’ve been posting lately I’d say you still need a lot of time to heal.

Sounds like she’s willing to give you that time. Can you heal alongside her, or do you need to ask her to back off? Doesn’t sound like she’s in a hurry to get remarried, so...gift of time?

Remember what they tell us newbies: emotions change.

[Joe2017]

GFT:
No, she never cheated before we married. She did cheat on OM though.

Phoenix & burned:
Thank you for the suggestions. I wonder if I am really healed from the hurt. It mostly does not bother me. My main issue here is not the hurt from being betrayed, although that does feel bad at times if I think about it. What I'm having a hard time with is believing that XW is a changed person. I 100% believe she is remorseful. She has never made anything about her since she came back. It has all been focused on my needs and those of our kids.

Part of me is looking at this as a marriage again, which is an inaccurate approach. The other part of me keeps reminding me that it's not nearly that serious and we are only dating right now.

XW said her goal is to marry me again someday, but I do not feel pressured to remarry.

She has said all of the right things. ALL of the right things! I think my difficulty is having faith.

[Yail]

Joe, you must feel like you're in entirely new terrain. I suppose you are.

You say that you're having trouble having faith. I feel like having (blind) faith is a blessing you only get with a new partner. That blind trust that they won't hurt you. With your experience with your XW you can't really have blind faith this early in the game no matter how much you both wish it so.

I expect that's really difficult. Part of your brain wishes you could pick back up where you left off, because that's where you are both familiar. But since that road is blocked to you, you're both navigating to find what other paths are options.

I think you're doing a great job at being honest throughout your search. It sounds like she is as well. So even though you have to take a different road this time, you both still may get to your destination.

It's like your previous shared path is blocked, so you've each chosen another side-route to get there. And along the way you're calling out, "Marco!" "Polo!" to be sure the other is still headed in the same direction. You're hoping these new paths will converge soon so you can continue to travel together.

Wishing you luck in whatever is next for you.

[Joe2017]

Thank you Yail!

I am simply not moving at the same pace that XW is. And that's OK. We're navigating towards the same destination using different maps. Eventually I hope we both get there.

One obstacle we have is that neither of our kids want us to date right now. They both have a negative view of XW when it comes to relationships, and both are also very defensive of me. I can't say that they are wrong for feeling how they do.

Time is our ally. XW has a long road ahead regaining her son and my son's trust, as well as mine.