Emerging from my fog? (pain18 DB X)

[sandi2]

Those thoughts then snowballed into a total negative thought process and took me to a dark Christmas day in which I ended up in a screaming match with my father after he told me that no one wanted to date me because I was too fat. So...PTSD.

OMG! This makes my heart hurt. I can't imagine how that affected you. I can't imagine having a parent who would chop you up, instead of being in your corner and urging a healthy self esteem in their child. To see your determination to better yourself in the face of pessimism causes a mountain of admiration and respect from me, and I'm sure for others on the board as well as people who know you IRL. It takes so much self discipline to whip your body into shape, and to mold a better mental attitude, etc. Hearing about the lack of support from your father, tells me that you have developed an inner strength all by yourself. You may not have had cheerleaders IRL (or at least the ones you would have loved having), and you may not see your initial desired outcome to date...…..but you have not given up on yourself, and that is so admirable. Just so you know, this board supports you and all the work you have accomplished thus far. (((hugs)))

I do my best to GAL on the days I share the house, but sometimes there are periods where I cannot really go anywhere. Yesterday was one of those days.

Do you have the kids during these periods, or you can't GAL for other reasons? If you are home, could you do exercises there? How about reading a good book you have set aside, watch motivational videos, or try out a new recipe? I may be wrong, but I think having something to look forward to whenever you are in a period where you can't get out, may help prevent getting the mully grubbs on those days/nights.

I just am afraid of going through the dating and courtship process again if I have to move on from current WW. The unknown is scary when it comes to dating. Even moreso when I consider the history I have had with dating. I think that is what is most upsetting. History repeating itself.

History won't repeat itself, b/c you are not the same person as you were back then. IDK, but I think your father and your own body image issues, as well as having other negative experiences, did such a number on your self esteem and confidence as a man...….that little voice whispers in your ear reminding you of the past. Well, you have shown that you are no longer that same person, and you are growing stronger every day. It's nice to show those people how wrong they were about you...….but it's more important to prove it to yourself. Know what I mean? If these others IRL see the changes, that's just a nice addition.....but you can live without their approval or lack thereof. Know how I know? B/c you have already proved that you could certainly live with their criticism. Maybe you have imagined your father telling you how wrong he was to tell his son those ugly words, and how he is proud you. That's something we all desire to hear from our parents, especially if they have expressed negative opinions of us. It's human to want our parents to be pleased, even proud how we turned out as an adult. Some people don't get that from a parent. Especially if something was said in anger a long time ago, and that parent has too much stubborn pride to make amends and tell themselves the son or daughter has forgotten all about what's been said in the past.... and they just tries to sweep it under the rug. Sometimes therapy is needed to help that son or daughter deal with the inner pain and destruction that parent caused.

As for dating, you don't have to date until you want to date. In fact, I think you need to wait a little while to experience just being single......being free to basically do what you want.....not having to give account to a spouse or a parent. I think once you really are single, you can focus more on building your confidence. Currently, you have a negative package that comes in the form of your WW. To know that you have done so much work on your self, in spite of your WW and lack of parental support, tells me that you are taking back your b@lls and becoming the man you want to be.

I can see more clearly how you were emotionally dependent on being a husband and a father. It defined something for you. Maybe it defined who you were. Maybe it showed your father that you could get M and have a family.
And now......that security of being married and having that united family and home life seems to be shifting or fading. Is it difficult to image yourself in a new life? How about a happy new life? I think mentally you realize that you are responsible for your own inner happiness...….but somewhere there is an emotional little whisper that is causing you fear. Fear is an emotion. It may be one the most difficult to conquer, IDK. But I did learn something from a TV evangelist, and I have experienced personally. That message was to "do it anyway". You are afraid? Well then, be afraid and do it anyway. Do it while you are afraid. Do it in spite of your fear. Fear conquers us when we allow it to paralyze us. Fear can prevents us from going through some experience with confidence, stability, decisiveness, assertiveness, and with faith. Fear tells us we can't face some dreaded outcome, or face devastating news, or a change that affects how we live in our surroundings, or a permanent change. Fear is a strong emotion, but it is only an emotion. Don't give it power. Courage is doing something while afraid.

You are doing an amazing job, Pain. In fact, I wish you would consider changing your board name from Pain to something more positive. But if you do, be sure to tell us who you were previously.

[SoTorn]

I am also having a rough weekend Pain. I didnt sleep well at all last night. We can do this man. I know my WW is in love with OM. Well at least she feels she is.

[Yail]

Wow, Sandi wrote some really great stuff to you Pain. I agree with her. We know you can move forward because you have shown that you can time and time again.

I sometimes get paralyzing fear as well. I do something similar to what Sandi was suggesting above: I name it. I stop, and think to myself, "Oh, why don't I want to do ____? Because of FEAR". There's something about naming it that transforms the emotion from a lead ball that lives in your gut to something you can tackle.

Wishing you a good week.

[Ready2Change]

You are doing an amazing job, Pain. In fact, I wish you would consider changing your board name from Pain to something more positive. But if you do, be sure to tell us who you were previously.

I vote for SupperStud

[Phoenix9]

I have a support group meeting, so I'll keep this extremely brief. I'll pour my heart out later tonight.

Thank you all for the love. I cried reading your post, Sandi. You are the second person to comment on my strength of going through so much and still have the power to keep going. WW was the first.

I have a name change planned. It will be live come 1/1.

[TJT]

Looking forward to your update, pain. And your new name. Proud of you for hanging in there.

[Yail]

I will be anxiously checking for your new name on 1/1. That sounds like a great New Year activity.

[DejaVu6]

Looking forward to your new name Pain!!! I think Sandy is bang on and I love her advice to start imagining your new life as a happier one instead of just new. We are all on this painful journey of self-exploration we didn’t choose to go on but maybe we needed to. This has been the most painful three months of my life without a doubt but I am slowly but surely moving forward to what I think will be a better, stronger version of myself. I have realized that my identity and self-image has been too wrapped up in being my H’s wife and that I have spent the last few years waiting for him to “return” to live my life. I have wasted a lot of time doing that and, in a way, I feel like the grief I am going through is also wasting time. But, I know that it is not because I have to go through it to get to the other side. And you do too. You will get there Pain. You ARE getting there. (((Pain)))

[Phoenix9]

Day 154 (end),

Arguably one of the roughest days I have had in awhile. About as bad as the early days when I started posting.

I started out reading Sandi's post about how I have overcome so much in my life through some of the darkest events in my life. I started tearing up. Plus the fact that my D4 was going to be gone for 5 days and it really got me sad. I made the best of my time with her and had breakfast with her. She then sat on my lap while we watch YouTube videos of objects being restored.

WW enters the house and I don't make any eye contact with her. Before they left, I hug D4 twice and sent them on their way. WW asked if I was excited to have the house by myself (no) and I just said "Yeah". She then asked me if I needed anything. I said "No. I'm good." and closed the door behind them.

I then sobbed for a good 10 minutes in my bedroom followed by crawling under my blanket and sobbing some more. I finally got up and got myself ready for my NGS support group. I told them about my conversation with WW on Christmas and how I felt that my jerk-ish response was passive-aggressive and that I should have let her know that I was ok. It was my last session for awhile due to a lack of funds to continue. I'm hoping I can continue in February.

I then made myself some lunch, caught up on prayers, and forced myself to go the gym. I drove deep into the city because I did not want to be home with idle time on my hands.

I got to the gym and pushed through my workout. It was not my best and I thought about quitting a few times, but I told myself that quitting is not the new me and I need to push through. During the workout FIL texted me about D4's needs. So that gave me the impression that WW did a dump and run. I shed tears but kept up with my exercise. I keep a small notebook with my exercise logs. As I was filling out my workout, a fortune from a cookie I ate awhile ago fell to the floor. I picked it up and read the message:

You will make a long overdue personal decision

I put the fortune back in my notebook and confronted the fact that I am going to have to make a very difficult decision soon.

I bought groceries and called my mom. I asked her if God is punishing me for this. For not praying regularly. For ignoring my parents for the better part of my marriage. For all of the passive-aggressive crap I pulled over the years. She told me that "no", it's not punishment since I admitted to God my faults and ask for forgiveness. More tears.

The last thing that made me break down completely was when I called D4 to wish her good night. She was crying and the first thing she said was that she wanted to come home. I asked her "Why?" She said that she misses her daddy and wants her daddy. I fought through more tears and told her that I will see her soon and to enjoy her time with her grandparents. She kept crying and asking for me and asking me to pick her up. I told her that Grandad will have a lot of fun and I will see her really soon. I said "I love you" and she sobbed it back. I hung up and recomposed myself to finish my shopping.

The drive home was an exercise in control. I shed more tears but I was able to keep it together until I got home.

It is about an hour before bedtime as I am typing this. I am going to eat, pray, and go to bed.



Two more days until the new year. It's going to be better than this year. That I will ensure.

If by some reason WW is reading this, I have this to say directly to you:

I hope this lifestyle fantasy of yours was worth it. Because it's going to get very real very soon. And it will not be as easy as you are hoping to make it to be. "Enjoy" OM. Enjoy the sex, the passion, the "genuine show of affection" these next few days.

Your "love" is going to be thoroughly tested. And I will not be there to hold your hand for this trial. You are going to be on your own for this one.

[Ready2Change]

I feel for you.

If you do file for D, I would do some research in "Right of first refusal". W will not be able to "Dump" D4 off to anyone but you.

Keep letting the tears flow in private. It is healthy.

Stay strong. You can handle this.