Whirlwind of Hurt 6

[Twofeet]

Hell, she even implied that she didn't want to have to take the I am quinching the little voice in my head to improve for her or to attract her. No, I am doing this for me and me alone.

It's too late to edit, but I want to replace quinching with silencing.

[SoTorn]

Just focus on bettering yourself. That is what I am doing. I have had a real shift of mentality lately wherein I am very literal when I say "My goal for myself is XXX and this will improve XXX for me". The little voice in my head is no longer screaming at me "will this make her change? Will this make her look at you differently? Will this make her stop her A and come back?

The last big decision I am having a very hard time with is moving out. Some say stay IHS because it shows I am strong, some say move out because I will never heal. I am healing, but yes much slower if I stay, but me staying is keeping consistency for the kids at a bare minimum. WW and I are not fighting. Yes there is still an awkward tension in the air when we are both home. I do a great job of NC even when she is home. If WW asks me something I will answer her, but other than that I have kept it to just hi when I see her. I don't tell her bye though.

WW likes to say "good morning" etc. I just say "hi".

[Twofeet]

ST,

I was always bettering me for myself, but if I am being honest there was a voice in the back of my head driving me to do it for her as well. I guess you could say having an expectation. W moving out was in itself devastating. However, once she moved out, I set the tone and the house was more peaceful. My young children take about an hour to adjust to the tone once I have them. From then on its usually pretty smooth sailing as far as little ones go. What I also appreciate about W leaving is I am left alone to grieve and sort through my own emotions. It hurts and is a hard process, but I am working through it. You can see what really gets me going is my interactions with W or new info I learn that while I assumed was true I was basically in denial about. Looking at it from a birds eye view her interactions with me are basically veiled attempts to control me at some level. I easily resist them and outwardly appear unphased, but internally I get rocked. I think this is why detachment is so important.

[SoTorn]

ST,

I was always bettering me for myself, but if I am being honest there was a voice in the back of my head driving me to do it for her as well. I guess you could say having an expectation. W moving out was in itself devastating. However, once she moved out, I set the tone and the house was more peaceful. My young children take about an hour to adjust to the tone once I have them. From then on its usually pretty smooth sailing as far as little ones go. What I also appreciate about W leaving is I am left alone to grieve and sort through my own emotions. It hurts and is a hard process, but I am working through it. You can see what really gets me going is my interactions with W or new info I learn that while I assumed was true I was basically in denial about. Looking at it from a birds eye view her interactions with me are basically veiled attempts to control me at some level. I easily resist them and outwardly appear unphased, but internally I get rocked. I think this is why detachment is so important.

I agree, it is very important. Detaching is for us, not for them. If I allow myself to get drawn back in at all I get very hurt very fast and I hit that roller coaster at mach 1. When I just live my life and ignore WW, I get along much better. I honestly feel like I am being rude to WW. I am not trying to be rude, I guess that is the attachment I have still. That I don't want to be rude to someone that is actively disrespecting me.

I am drawn to my WW. I want to talk with her and visit with her. I know she enjoys it. I find myself once in a while doing things like I used to, out of habit. For example, WW was at the fridge and I was trying to also get something from the fridge. WW backed up toward me and instinctively I put my hand out and put it on her waist from behind and squeezed gently. I immediately noticed what I was doing and stopped. WW didn't recoil, remove my hand or say anything at all.

I have to make an effort to not do things like that. I was always touching my WW constantly. WW would walk by and I would stop her and kiss her, hug her, smack her rear, rub her back, tickle her etc. Now I just avoid her. WW still will not look me in the eyes when she walks by me. If she speaks to me I look her in the eyes and she cannot retain eye contact for more than a few seconds before she looks away.

[Twofeet]

Swung by W house yesterday to drop off some things D8 had called me and said she needed. A very quick in and out. I hugged and kissed my 3 children, and answered some random question from my W. I said goodbye to everyone and left. My emotional pain and heartache has been pretty intense so I was glad that I had an IC appointment scheduled yesterday.

IC looked at my PA evidence and told me that what I have is not evidence a judge would rule as a PA (not going to take it to court anyway it's just going to stay as no fault). IC says all I have is evidence of sexting (I feel dumb). W is clearly in a EA with signs of it heading towards a PA or possibly already in a PA, but no proof. IC says I have the info I have, but I need to change my focus towards myself. We talk about what I am doing to heal. I ask how long will it take to heal because this intense pain is exhausting. In her experience she says if you do all the right things the recovery process is usually a year, the worst she has seen is 5 years. I ask about W moving into a new R this fast and IC says that she can't speak for W (W dropped IC), but she likely hasn't healed.

We talk about my boundaries when interacting with wife. I tell IC some of the things D8 tells me about (ex mommy forgot to make us dinner last night so we had to go find our own food). I tell IC it just feels like W is trying to exert control at some level on me. IC reminds me I am dealing with someone who has mentally and emotionally regressed to a teenager or whatever point in her life she feels she missed out. IC says I need to treat her as such. IC reminds me again that W doesn't want me as a H, but wants some of the benefits of me as a H ie. her control attempts, and that's why boundaries are so critical. Fortunately, I think I have been doing okay with my boundaries post S, because her reactions are usually anger or fits when she runs headfirst into my boundaries. I tell IC I wish W was still seeing her for therapy. IC says what is the point in that? She says you don't want someone in therapy if they don't want to be there, she says someday W will seek help again when she is ready. We then discuss some of my MR history and how and why we are were we are. I also discuss the challenging predicament of being a divorced Catholic and what that means. We also discussed the yet unknown opportunities I can pursue that may not have been available while M. She said some of her patients have had great career and life opportunities come about that didn't or wouldn't likely occur until after D.

Afterwards I felt better, like a lot had been lifted off my chest. I wanted to keep up that PMA and so I dusted off my old gear and went night skiing. First time in 6 to 8 years. I was exhausted afterwards and was glad to hit the bed. I was wracked with multiple dreams of my W. Unfortunately, I woke up with that dull ache in my heart this morning. I am going to find something to do today to keep the PMA going till I get the kids later today. Then we are going to do a lot of family GAL this weekend.

[ovrrnbw]

TwoFeet,

it sounds terrible to say, but you are still "early" in your situation. I'd say a year of healing can go a long way, just like your IC said. But we are all individuals on our own timelines.

You're still emotionally wound up. I've been at this for 9 months, and my emotions are just starting to cool. It takes time and work. Make sure you are doing the work to heal whether that is IC, GAL, gym, work and child focus. AnotherStander talks about how busy he got in his life post divorce and that is what helps you get out and enjoy your life.

What have you been up to outside of your sitch?

[Twofeet]

TwoFeet,

What have you been up to outside of your sitch?

Ovr,

I lift 3 days a week and I was running 3 days. Its colder than I like for running so I will swap that out for night skiing. Probably can't do it 3 days a week, but 1 to 2 days. Once the kids are back in school I was thinking about checking a hot yoga place out in town. I was lean bulking, but my emotional state isn't as good as it should be and I have been losing weight again. I could do a regular bulk, but eating like that is always a hassle.

Going to build a website and biz cards next week for my side business. I dont like SM, but some of my industry buddies say I need an IG to tie in with my website. I guess it's a really good way to get connections in my field. I will just keep it as impersonal as possible.

I have been spending a lot of time with my family. They are a good group for support and during my MR my wife would try to isolate or limit the time we spent with them. Usually unsuccessfully because I wouldn't put up with that. I am going to a NYE party at my sis and her fiancee's house. My social circle is pretty wide but not very deep. I know quite a few people very casually, but I only have 2 deep friendships here in my home state. I left a very robust social circle back in the state I used to live in. My social circle is an area that needs improvement.

I was supposed to do some bird hunting with FIL, but I was just too caught up with everything. We will probably just start back up fishing in the spring as long as our R doesn't go by the wayside.

It definitely takes effort to do these things as I feel like I am fighting the blues.

[Phoenix9]

It definitely takes effort to do these things as I feel like I am fighting the blues.

I know where you are coming from. It takes a lot of energy to not only deal with the chaos we're dealing with, but to also pull ourselves out of it and do something positive.

It sounds terrible to say, but you are still "early" in your situation. I'd say a year of healing can go a long way, just like your IC said. But we are all individuals on our own timelines.

Time is a blessing. I am finding it to be a tremendous asset in my healing and growth. I'm 5 months in and I feel like a much better version of pain18. That being said, the previous 7 months leading up to the growth was about me discovering and removing the layers of old pain18. It was stripped bare and vulnerable by the time I joined the board.

I am just starting to slowly experience relief, key word being SLOWLY. Maybe I'll be strong enough for when the next thing gets thrown at me or maybe nothing will happen and I continue what I am doing and get stronger.

This quote becomes clearer by the day:

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

[Ready2Change]

My social circle is an area that needs improvement.

I was going to ask, but then you said it. Looks like a lot of GAL is individual activities.

Good luck on the website. I have been procrastinating mine. I have about 6 word press sites started. I also manage companies. So much easier than the old days.

[Twofeet]

My social circle is an area that needs improvement.

I was going to ask, but then you said it. Looks like a lot of GAL is individual activities.

Good luck on the website. I have been procrastinating mine. I have about 6 word press sites started. I also manage companies. So much easier than the old days.

I'm going to see if there are some skiing meetups. I don't mind giving someone a ride up the hill in an effort to meet new people. I am an introvert and while I am good at socializing it always takes a mental effort to force myself to do so.

Is wordpress a good one to use as a website? I was thinking about adding a blog component to tie into the IG & the website. Trying to broaden the interest to attract clients to my side gig.