Go reread the validation thread. It sounds like you need to use different validation scripts than the sorry you feel that way.
Did you say you were in IC? Is she? It sounds like she has some serious PPD.
Last edited by Twofeet; 12/27/1806:40 AM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
You’re probably right about finding new things to say. Whoops.
I’ve been in IC, but I’m seriously considering finding someone else.
Current IC is a PhD, and though it is a blessing he turned me on to MWD and DB, and the PhD appeals to my cerebral side, I’m not sure right now. I’ve toyed around with finding a LFMT around me covered by our insurance—just need to reach out and pull the trigger on that. I have Christmas Break to work with that, so I need to take advantage.
W has been, but who knows last time she was with hers. I still believe that if she was that upset / angry / depressed, she’d be in front of her IC much much more.
It would not be a shock to me at all if PPD is present here. But I can’t rescue her from it.
I trust her and am not going to blow up the marriage over it.
I'm glad you said this. I'm learning more and more that as much as people keep saying "there were probably signs", it is our JOB as spouses to trust the other person, because why shouldn't we?
Originally Posted by Bo562
And I know that for DB’ing, I shouldn’t—I shouldn’t care because I know I’m a total prize and will make myself a prize that if she can’t see it, someone else in time will.
*Applause* I love it when people talk like this. I believe the same for myself but simultaneously doubt that someone else (who's worth it anyway) will see it.
Also, I CANNOT believe she said she wished she loved you enough to want to take care of you!! That's totally preposterous. Like, wow.
I'm in the opposite sitch - my H had back surgery, was out of work for a while on disability, and then HE still left me. These people just don't make sense and it's very hard not to get discouraged about the world or at least very, very concerned about the complexity and seriousness of mental health issues that are out there.
Someone is seriously gonna have to come FIND me because I'm just gonna be here in a safe little cave with my anxiety blanket, my dog, and lots of pizza rolls and ice cream....
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
I’ve toyed around with finding a LFMT around me covered by our insurance—just need to reach out and pull the trigger on that. I have Christmas Break to work with that, so I need to take advantage.
Do this. If your insurance covers this form of therapy, at least try. Mine does not cover ANY therapy unless I am actually diagnosed with something like depression. So take what you can get to see what helps most!
Originally Posted by Bo562
It would not be a shock to me at all if PPD is present here. But I can’t rescue her from it.
Forgive me if I've missed this since I haven't read all of your other threads yet - but have you asked her about whether she thinks she has PPD? Do you know if she's done any exploration or counseling specific to that as a potential issue for her?
I don't have kids of my own and while I know PPD is a very real thing, I also don't know how long it could last... but I would venture to say that there is a better chance of recovery with something like that than if it were something less clinical, like MLC. Just my optimism for you here, IF that turns out to be a factor.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
I’ve toyed around with finding a LFMT around me covered by our insurance—just need to reach out and pull the trigger on that. I have Christmas Break to work with that, so I need to take advantage.
Do this. If your insurance covers this form of therapy, at least try. Mine does not cover ANY therapy unless I am actually diagnosed with something like depression. So take what you can get to see what helps most!
Originally Posted by Bo562
It would not be a shock to me at all if PPD is present here. But I can’t rescue her from it.
Forgive me if I've missed this since I haven't read all of your other threads yet - but have you asked her about whether she thinks she has PPD? Do you know if she's done any exploration or counseling specific to that as a potential issue for her?
I don't have kids of my own and while I know PPD is a very real thing, I also don't know how long it could last... but I would venture to say that there is a better chance of recovery with something like that than if it were something less clinical, like MLC. Just my optimism for you here, IF that turns out to be a factor.
I’ve seen LMFTs covered by our insurance, so I just need to do it. I’d prefer seeing a male therapist—I don’t want to get in to the risk of an EA / PA with an IC, which would be just about the worst possible solution to all this.
I’m not going to ask her about PPD. After YS (youngest son) was born, I picked up a flyer from our new family practice for an IC who specializes in PPD. I gave it to her and said something like “I know you already see someone, but I’ll give you this in case you need to consider it down the road.” She told me that she already sees someone, and the (very real) possibility that this IC may not be covered by our insurance. But it was the thought.
I’m not sure how long PPD (depends on the person), but my IC told me that hormones can do weird things to a person. He is D; his XW mentioned after their D that yeah it was the hormones from menopause. Between that and the various mental illnesses that abound, we are playing with forces we can barely understand, let alone control.
I’m also sure that the pregnancy hormones caused her to basically go off the deep end starting in February, when all this really hit the fan, including the comment about loving me enough to want to help take care of me. Even if ALL OF THIS is caused by hormones / PPD, how exactly would I be able to accept this when R’ing or piecing? “I really didn’t mean it, it was being pregnant.” But then again, in Oct., 1 month after YS was born, she claimed she thought she would be feeling better after giving birth...but she mentioned she wasn’t, and that’s when the possibility of a break / S began to enter her vocabulary. Could still be post-partum hormones / depression.
To one of your earlier points, I do trust my W, and I probably give her more rope in a lot of aspects than I should—with respect to her career, or putting up with way more from her than I should.
I mean, I should trust her, but I also believe that I shouldn’t be an idiot about things. I’m a HS religion teacher, and one things I talk with my students about is that as Christians, we should be people of peace, love and joy (I believe the quote is something like ‘be peaceful like doves, but wise as serpents’)—but that doesn’t mean that we should be stupid about the things of this world. I’m not going to go out of my way to look for signs of an A, but I’d have to see some serious red flags. I know she works in a male-dominated environment, whereas I work in a predominately female-dominated environment (at least 2/3rds or 3/4 of my colleagues and half of my students are women). I’m pretty sure that if either of us wanted to cheat, we could. I still come home to her, even when I come home to an empty bed because she is gone for work trips. I’ve talked about marriage and the importance of faithfulness—to be faithful, even when she is gone for work trips, or when someone else treats me better, or I click better with, or there is someone better-looking. Saying all that a couple of weeks ago during our Matrimony unit really hurt, but I tried to draw strength from it, too.
I’m probably among the last people to talk to you about GAL—I understand the need to treat yo-self and do some self-care, but the anxiety blanket, dogs, pizza rolls and ice cream can only help to a point. But you need to go out there and GAL (as do I)—you sound well-educated and thoughtful, and even though those qualities may be threatening to any number of men out there, I know that there also are a number of men out there who would love to be committed to you. You deserve much better (don’t we all)—just keep the balance with the pizza rolls and ice cream (turn yourself into the woman that your H wishes he could come back to), and remember GAL’ing is self-care, too.
Took the boys again to the park, and may do so on Friday. Before walking to the park, we walked over to the grocery to return an item, and then we looped back around to the park. Everyone gets the fresh air, and I get the steps pushing them in the double stroller (it has a jump seat where OS can sit).
30 push-ups 25 butterfly sit-ups
W is acting more like herself, I guess—she just says she’s very tired. Haven’t talked with her about work—I’m not going to broach the convo. It bothers me to not ask / talk with her about that, but that’s part of the detaching thing.
I know that detaching is counter-intuitive, because it feels like I’m pushing her away / don’t want her. But that’s probably what I still need to do at this point and continue with.
20 minutes on stationary bike 30 push-ups 25 butterfly sit-ups (When changing shirts earlier today, I twisted to reach something in front of the mirror in our bathroom, and I’m really seeing some definition appear in my abs—loving that part)
Took the boys to the park, again (3 days in a row). We will have some adventures next week, too. As I was bottle-feeding YS at the park, a tall blonde woman in nursing scrubs approached me to start a conversation. She wanted to spread the good news of Jesus and all that. I told her that we’re Catholic, so we’re good—we get it. We exchanged names, and she asked me if there was anything that she could pray about for me. I told her ‘my family.’
Received my copy of ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck’ in the mail today.
Made a phone call to a membership coordinator for our parish’s Knights of Columbus.
Made an appointment with a LMFT (covered by our insurance) for after the New Year.
Today was a mixed bag from the W. As she left for work, she made a comment to OS—he asked her what she said, and she said ‘loves—as in the two of you’ (meaning OS and YS). I know, I know—not detached, but that kinda stung a bit.
But what’s weird is that she’s seemed really nice to me today—must be a Friday thing, as it seemed to be like that last Friday. I get it—don’t read too much into anything. Before she left for work, she asked if we needed anything for her to pick up on her way back. While at the park, she texted me to tell me she was on the way home and stopping for coffee, and if I wanted anything. While she made dinner, I was playing with YS, and she leaned over the love seat where we were, and she was talking with YS while I was playing with him. She served me dinner (one thing I have NOT being doing for her recently), asked me if I liked it, and put out the chili paste in case I thought it needed more spice (I love spicy food).
I was thinking about this while with the boys at the park earlier this afternoon: I know I’m not as detached as I should be, but I’m just having my doubts. Get your 2x4s ready, everyone. I just wonder if I’m pulling too far back from her—I don’t want to completely and totally alienate her. I know my sitch doesn’t appear as extreme as others on this board, so I’m wondering 1.) Am I doing this right (probably still too early to tell) 2.) Am I right to even be doing this (DBing) at all, given my sitch? I know it’s better to confess my doubts here than elsewhere.
But then I remember: I’m doing this so I hopefully don’t end up in an even worse sitch down the road. That is the hope. I also have to remember the ILYBINILWY, her mentioning back in October a potential break / S later on, and there’s the withholding of affection / sex.
I think I may have had my answer to my previous post:
Background: Last night, around 10:45 or so, OS wakes up and goes to be with W. W asks him if he had a bad dream or anything. OS told her that he just wanted to be with her.
What I think this is about is that W has started back at work (started back on Wednesday, this happened Thursday night).
W came over to me not that long ago tonight and told me that she is worried about OS. Normally, if he wakes up at night, it’s to go to the bathroom, bad dream, hungry, etc. That that happening was unusual.
What W then said is that she believes OS is picking up on the fact that the relationship she and I have right now “isn’t very good.”
So, she wants to have the R talk. But, she doesn’t want to blindside me about anything, so she asked me when I would want to do that. I told her I would need some time to think about it.
Naturally, my heart jumped into my my throat as she talked about that. Great.
She doesn’t want to do this while the kids are around—so we either do that late at night (while they are sleeping), or her mom comes over and watches them while we go to Panera ‘for like an hour or so.’
Probably gonna get my a** handed to me, I’m afraid.
What’s odd is that after we talked about that, she talked about work stuff, government shutdown, that her dad can help us out if need be (to a certain extent) while the shutdown is going on, and talked about her hopes to come back to SoCal after her training in the fall, and we talked about emergency contacts for the babysitter, and all that.
It’s just so maddening. She wants to have the R talk, but then talks about normal everyday topics like it’s nothing.
Before she left for the night, she asked me to think about when I would like to do that. It will probably end up happening in the next week or so, I’d imagine.
Don't have serious talks late at night after the kids go to bed. If any talk has to be had you need to be fresh with your wits about you.
Last edited by Twofeet; 12/29/1806:47 AM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
