Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 3)

[Ready2Change]

I have not followed your thread, but if you do the R talk, do it in public. Your job is to just listen to understand. Do not argue.


Can you control your emotions if the worst case scenario happens?

Plan for worst case, then you can handle anything else.

[Bo562]

I hope I will be able to control it--not necessarily get angry, but more cry / sad.

Worst case for me is she wants S / D--but I've thought through a response based on something Steve said (I believe it was in one of my earlier posts).

It's weird because she was talking about all this down the road stuff afterwards and she earlier claimed that if we do go out, it would only take an hour for her. Good thing I guess?

YS is one of my greatest joys right now, and I don't want to leave him. It's a shame that this pregnancy has brought such deep fissures between us.

Maybe it is a good thing I have done this.

[Bo562]

Actually, worst-case:

There is OM, YS is not mine, AND she wants S / D.

Was surreal because she later asked if I still wanted to go to Knott's Berry Farm this weekend (family outing).

If she wants to go out 'for an hour or so,' she wants her mom to come over to watch boys. Wonder what if anything MIL knows then--I know, shouldn't mind-read.

Hoping for the best, but what I do know is that if she wants S / D, then fine, get out of MBR then.

[Twofeet]

Actually, worst-case:

There is OM, YS is not mine, AND she wants S / D.

Bo,

Wait....Is this hypothetical or is this what she told you?

[Bo562]

Hypothetical worst-case

But should mentally prepare for worst

[Twofeet]

It's good to be mentally prepared but be careful of circular thinking winding you up.

[Bo562]

You're right--I was just thinking last night what worst-case would look like

Saw your suggestion about having talk when I'm not so tired--thank you

Any other thoughts?

[Twofeet]

Just be prepared to understand what the worst case is and leave it at that. Circular thinking, ruminations, run away thinking all lead to anxiety and dark thoughts. LH19 once told me your worse fears are usually unfounded. Pretty much everything he has told me has been pretty spot on.

The S (and you may do this yourself) want to have talks late at night to wear you down so they can get you to give in, side with them, and/or so they can get their way. Its something my W would often do to me and I would have to catch myself and stop it because it always lead nowhere.

If this is your BD coming then listen, validate (emotions not actions), mirror the tone. Please don't do what the majority of us LBS do. Please don't beg, plead, bargain, attempt to reason. This is a decision based on her emotions right now. If you get emotional and cry then you cry, but try not to turn into a blubbering mess. Appear to come from a point of strength not weakness.

[Ready2Change]

Any other thoughts?

My initial thought was to avoid R talk like the plague. Then I decided to ask you if you can handle it.


You need to evaluate and then decide if you confront your fear or avoid R talk.


You do have an option to make other plans. Massage, shopping, whatever (DO NOT TELL HER)

Sunday, go do your thing. If she calls, let it go to VM. If she text, respond:

H:"Something important came up that I am dealing with."

W:"What is it"

H:"Nothing you need to worry about."

[Ready2Change]

If this is your BD coming then listen, validate (emotions not actions), mirror the tone. Please don't do what the majority of us LBS do. Please don't beg, plead, bargain, attempt to reason. This is a decision based on her emotions right now. If you get emotional and cry then you cry, but try not to turn into a blubbering mess. Appear to come from a point of strength not weakness.

W:"H, Bla bla bla I want a D...Bla bla ba"

STRONG EYE CONTACT:
H:"I agree. This is not working for me either. I want us both to be happy and if divorce is THE ONLY WAY for you to be happy. I will not stand in your way."