First Post Here - Any Advice Appreciated

[Jtayl71]

Hi J,

Divorce Remedy is you playbook. Read it more than once.

Your wife is no longer attracted to you. This is issue number 1 that you have to address if you want any chance of getting her back.

She has lost respect for you. To be attracted to you, she needs to respect you.

Women are attracted to confident men. You need to project with every part of your body that you are done being with a woman that does not want to be exclusively with you. Can you do this? If so, she will respect you.

Hey Ready,

Thank you for your response. You know I was just reading through the quotes on this board and this ideal of losing respect and attraction is a new concept to me, I guess I just truly never linked it all together and that is a failure on my part. Over the last year when things have really gone south, I was at the lowest point in my life (up until then) just discovering the medical problems that I was having with my back, and the long process it was taking to get any sort of answers. I was a wreck emotionally, worried about my future and how it would affect her and our future life together, to put it bluntly I was very emotionally weak. Looking back, I see it plain as day, her loss of attraction/respect for me.

I also see it now as our relationship has gone on, she is an extremely hard headed individual, she tells it like it is to anybody and doesn’t really care how it makes you feel if it’s truly what she believes. I used to call her out when I disapproved of something, but the confrontation we would have wore me down over time so I became complacent in just accepting defeat to avoid a confrontation. I am not a fighter, I will if I’m backed in a corner, but I avoid conflict if possible. Looking back I should have been more of a man and stood up to some of her bad tendencies and maybe now we wouldn’t be in this situation.

[Ready2Change]

to put it bluntly I was very emotionally weak. Looking back, I see it plain as day,

So this is where the concept of 180 comes in. If behavior A is how you are currently behaving, and B is how you used to behave (or desire to behave) that is completely opposite. Which way do you want to be? Behavior A or B?


Evaluate your choices and all the potential risks and rewards and make a choice. Live with the consequences of the choice.

If you chose B, then this is a 180.

[Jtayl71]

to put it bluntly I was very emotionally weak. Looking back, I see it plain as day,

So this is where the concept of 180 comes in. If behavior A is how you are currently behaving, and B is how you used to behave (or desire to behave) that is completely opposite. Which way do you want to be? Behavior A or B?


Evaluate your choices and all the potential risks and rewards and make a choice. Live with the consequences of the choice.

If you chose B, then this is a 180.

Thanks Ready, I definitely want to get back to B where I used to be. I have had a rough go here lately and lost my self identity, time to get that back.

[Jtayl71]

I hope everyone is doing well. I am going to continue updating this with new information just sort of as a journal and also for everyone's help and assistance.

I am still trying to better myself, unfortunately I am having a hard time fully eradicating my porn habit, I can go multiple weeks no problem but when I get really stressed i tend to turn to it for an outlet or relase, unfortunately happened last night and has me kind of down and disappointed. Im working with my IC counselor to fix this but he doesnt seem to think its that big of a problem, its just something I want out of my life for good. This has been on my mind since last night and just needed to vent and feel a little more accountable and I hope maybe it will help me out.

On to my wayward spouse, my wifes sister and husband invited me over for dinner last night. I have been pretty close to my brother in law so it wasnt anything out of the norm to have dinner with them. I was told that my wife is not handling this too well, she is detaching from her family and not sharing anything with anyone other than her mother. Apparently on Christmas day there was a big falling out between my wife and sister-in-law when my SIL was just informing my wife that it is okay to not be okay through all this. Apparently my wife is putting up a huge front and trying to act like she is okay, but apparently it is visible that it is tearing her up. She left the christmas gathering as soon as they started opening gifts, apparently balling her eyes out and didnt come back for an hour.

I still have not spoken to her since the conversation i showed in my previous post. She never came by the house to pick up her gits, did not inform me that she wouldn't be able to make it, and I never reached out to her about it. I am continuing to treat this as me moving on, trying to get my group of friends back together. Actually trying to have a get together with all of them for the Fiesta Bowl, Geaux Tigers! Anyway that is currently what is going on, thank you all again for reading and allowing me to use this to medium to vent about my personal life.

[ovrrnbw]

If you went two weeks without porn, given your current sitch, you are fine. If you only do it every few weeks, it's that even a habit? I don't think so. I'm not sure why you beat yourself up over this so bad.

I'd be more concerned with this tendency:

but I avoid conflict if possible

If she doesn't have the courtesy to tell you she is no longer attending something with you, you no longer have to be so courteous as to invite her. Her actions tell you everything.

Don't mind read too much about how she is thinking or feeling based off her Christmas turmoil. Both sides go through pain in a divorce situation.

I'm glad to read you are moving on. Have fun over the holidays, get out and about. LSU is my favorite college team. Very hopeful that they will crush UCF.

[Jtayl71]

If you went two weeks without porn, given your current sitch, you are fine. If you only do it every few weeks, it's that even a habit? I don't think so. I'm not sure why you beat yourself up over this so bad.

Yeah, this is exactly what my therapist says and I do not know why I feel so bad about it, for some reason I just do. As far as the conflict goes, I have to get that in check and be confident in myself and not just cower down to avoid it. I think time will only help this as I find who I am again and am happy and comfortable with that person.

Thanks again for your help, also always great to meet another Tiger fan, I hope they smear UCF and ruin that undefeated season.

[Ready2Change]

If porn continually interferes with ( or replaces) something that should be happening in a relationship, then it is a problem. That is my belief. Replace the word porn with anything you want. Video games, drinking.

Since it may have been a contributing factor in your sitch, you are feeling bad about it. Learning moment. You can't change the past, so forgive yourself. Nothing you can do except change your behavior in the future.


Have a drink now and then, but make sure you are not avoiding life and getting drunk all the time.

[Jtayl71]

If porn continually interferes with ( or replaces) something that should be happening in a relationship, then it is a problem. That is my belief. Replace the word porn with anything you want. Video games, drinking.

Since it may have been a contributing factor in your sitch, you are feeling bad about it. Learning moment. You can't change the past, so forgive yourself. Nothing you can do except change your behavior in the future.


Have a drink now and then, but make sure you are not avoiding life and getting drunk all the time.

Hey Ready, you are right I can't change it, I definitely think it was one variable that led to this situation and I think you are correct in the fact that my guilt stems from that. Just have to keep moving forward.

I am posting tonight because I need support. I am having a rough day today, I hopped on facebook for just a couple of minutes (mistake...) and the first thing that pops up is my wife at her grandmothers house for their christmas with all her cousins and their spouses and her standing by herself. As soon as I saw it my heart started pounding, I picked up my phone to text something but put it down and decided to come here instead. Today in general has been rough as I have been cooped up inside by myself due to cruddy weather. I think tomorrow I'm just going to go into the office and try to get a jump start on my immense work backlog and keep myself busy... I just want to talk to her so bad and see if I can comfort her in anyway, that just how I'm feeling at the moment. Its hard to stay strong through this everyday I guess today is just one of the valleys... thank you all again for your support.

[Ready2Change]

One big mistake newbies make is talking. It is important to change your behavior.


It is a new attitude. It is a learned skill that you need to practice with someone else besides your spouse, while maintaining your boundaries.

[ovrrnbw]

JT,

you did the right thing. Texting her is the emotional response.

Most guys know the saying "think with your big head and not your little one". The little one thinks emotionally, but God blessed us with the big head to think logically.

Getting out when this stuff is on your mind is imperative. Go to the gym, play a sport, play a computer game, go to the library, coffee shop, something when this stuff is on your mind or it will eat you up. This is how you take control of your emotions.

You'll get stronger throughout this experience. You can see my timeline, it doesn't go away quickly or easily. But you show big balls and fight like a SOB to get better and you will get better and you will see results.