She is probably doing both manipulation and feeling worried. It never seems like it is just one thing. I must have missed it, did the texts have to do with D4 or finances? If so why did you not respond. If not why are you feeling bad. Don't stand for name calling and vulgarity. Set the boundary. My W is getting it figured out fast that when she does this I hang up, walk away, or ask her to leave depending on the sitch.
TF, I sense that it's both. She "accepted" my new method of communication. One text she sent me was a list things I need to pack for D4. I did not respond. Felt like I did not need to. She felt otherwise and that I need to acknowledge that I got the message. Fair enough. I told her I will do a better job at responding to things pertaining to D4. She calls and gets upset when I don't respond because apparently she had an important message for me regarding D4 and I did not have the courtesy to follow up. I told her I would do a better job of responding to calls I don't answer (at my own time, of course).
I really want to bust this possible D. But it feels like I'm just pushing it faster in that direction.
ST, I have not used the word A in our conversations. She feels like the R with OM is genuine and will vigorously defend it. If I counter, all it would do is cause an unnecessary fight. And that is something I just don't have the energy for.
Pain... are you being rude? Remember...if you are going to be business-like, you should treat her like you would a business partner or a neighbour. Ask yourself... if my business partner were to send me that kind of a list, would I let that person know that I had received it? I'm pretty sure I would. I think you are forgetting that your WW is confused and in her own kind of pain. Yes, she is causing you pain as well but is it as calculating and vindictive as you seem to think it is? I keep thinking about DnJ's famous mantra... Choose better, not bitter. What are you choosing?
Anyway... that's my two cents. Of course, I only read one side of things and I don't know your WW. Certainly vulgar names are not okay. To me, it just sounds like both of you are really, really hurting which is the fuel that is feeding the anger you both have towards one another. Drop the rope...with love. Give her the space she needs to figure herself out. Give yourself that space too. If not for your WW's sake or your sake, then for your beautiful daughter's sake. She needs both of you to be there for her and not wrapped up in a bitter feud. I KNOW how much this hurts. I am right there with you. I loved my H as much as I loved anyone and he tossed that aside after 13 years as if it meant NOTHING. That HURTS like H3LL!!! But it is not going to destroy me or turn me into a person that my kids would be ashamed of. Kids learn by example and pay attention to what you do, not what you say. Show your D the best Pain you can be. Choose better! (((Pain)))
Why does she need you to tell her how D4 is doing? Can't she ask D4? Your WW is temp checking you like mad, she is trying to manipulate you with her feelings regardless if they are valid or not. Just tell her "I understand that its frustrating, I am busy". Maybe something like that? That is how I responded. It is no longer a priority for us to respond instantaneously to WW every time they ring the bell.
Exactly.
Pain,
My understanding is that you are "Nesting" with your wife. You are both in the same house, but one parent is "Scarce" while the other parent is parenting. Correct me if I am wrong.
You are still walking on egg shells with your W.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Pain... are you being rude? Remember...if you are going to be business-like, you should treat her like you would a business partner or a neighbour. Ask yourself... if my business partner were to send me that kind of a list, would I let that person know that I had received it? I'm pretty sure I would. I think you are forgetting that your WW is confused and in her own kind of pain. Yes, she is causing you pain as well but is it as calculating and vindictive as you seem to think it is? I keep thinking about DnJ's famous mantra... Choose better, not bitter. What are you choosing?
Anyway... that's my two cents. Of course, I only read one side of things and I don't know your WW. Certainly vulgar names are not okay. To me, it just sounds like both of you are really, really hurting which is the fuel that is feeding the anger you both have towards one another. Drop the rope...with love. Give her the space she needs to figure herself out. Give yourself that space too. If not for your WW's sake or your sake, then for your beautiful daughter's sake. She needs both of you to be there for her and not wrapped up in a bitter feud. I KNOW how much this hurts. I am right there with you. I loved my H as much as I loved anyone and he tossed that aside after 13 years as if it meant NOTHING. That HURTS like H3LL!!! But it is not going to destroy me or turn me into a person that my kids would be ashamed of. Kids learn by example and pay attention to what you do, not what you say. Show your D the best Pain you can be. Choose better! (((Pain)))
That is a great analogy, DV6. She is my business partner. I need to acknowledge that I got the communication. I told WW as such during the call.
I know WW is hurting to some extent. I am still trying to accept the fact that she is in pain. My thoughts are "she brought this upon herself." But I also know that this was a result of our MR up to BD.
And I coaxed her to tell me what she is calling me. So she responded. It hurt, but I validated and told her that I will do a better job communicating.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by SoTorn
Why does she need you to tell her how D4 is doing? Can't she ask D4? Your WW is temp checking you like mad, she is trying to manipulate you with her feelings regardless if they are valid or not. Just tell her "I understand that its frustrating, I am busy". Maybe something like that? That is how I responded. It is no longer a priority for us to respond instantaneously to WW every time they ring the bell.
Exactly.
Pain,
My understanding is that you are "Nesting" with your wife. You are both in the same house, but one parent is "Scarce" while the other parent is parenting. Correct me if I am wrong.
You are still walking on egg shells with your W.
I am. I try to be home as little as possible, but my 9-5 makes me scarce. I parent on weekends and evenings. You are not wrong.
And you are right about the egg shell part. But I also cannot stomp on them because that's a passive-aggressive tactic NGS use.
Another day in limbo. I saw this from TF’s thread and again reminded me why I need to be patient and not rush things in case we ever R:
Originally Posted by LH19
TF,
Think about these two lesser the evil situations and let me know your answer.
Situation #1. Your W puts your children first before her PERCEIVED happiness and ends her A and calls off the divorced. You stay married for the sake of the kids but she never becomes fully committed to you again because she believes there is something better out there. You spend the next 15 years wondering if she files again after your youngest is out of the house.
Situation #2. She continues with D and continues relationship with OM. You take time to heal and continue to better yourself. After the dust settles and your emotions start to stabilize you start to realize that your ex had many flaws that you didn't see. Once healed maybe you start another relationship with a woman who is way better then your ex in all aspects of life. She likes to work through problems not run from them. Maybe your ex comes to her senses and wants to reconcile and will do anything to EARN another chance with you.
I don't know about you but I would take option 2 everyday and twice on Sundays. Yes it's a risk that she doesn't come back , but she has to choose to be with you for it to work out long-term.
Pain, I forget, are you on IHS or live separately?
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I am going to see if I can get my house. I'll need to hit my 401k, but I think I'll have a chance. Hit my 401k, sell my car, with zero debt I should qualify for refinancing my house alone. Then ill take the equity and buy a cheap car.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Could not sleep. I am filled with dread about this week and the upcoming new year. I keep expecting another BD,maybe how WW and OM are truly in love with each other or something like that and D papers will be filed.
I have a lot of opportunities to GAL this week, but I don't know why it feels so difficult.
