The "I just wanna talk" messages came to me aplenty. At first I fell for it. It never ended well, which led to my strict NC boundaries. She would continue to send me the "Can I have one minute?" Or "It's important, it will just take a moment" messages for a while.
I didn't respond to those because:
A) If it's THAT important, put it in the message. B) If it will only take a minute, put it in the message.
I know you miss him, but he's not the same person anymore. And TBH, when this is all over you won't be the same person anymore either. You'll be a smarter, wiser, stronger, and more confident version of you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
My heart goes out to you. In general terms, I am in a similar situation and this is the most tortuous, most painful emotional place I have ever been in. I can only share the ways I try to cope with being in this place.
(1) Interior Life. I have returned to the beliefs and practices of the interior life I had long ignored. If you have such a life, whether or not orthodox (i.e. conforming to a formal, organized system of beliefs), you may want to visit or revisit it. I can honestly say this is the only thing that has kept me alive. (Yes, I mean this literally.)
(2) Humble Responsibility. I accept responsibility for my failures and mistakes as a parent and spouse, but I also recognize these are not any more egregious than the next person's. No physical or emotional abuse; no drug or gambling habits; no extramarital betrayals. Just plain vanilla conflicts typifying any long-term, intimate relationship.
(3) Compassionate Awareness. Whatever my mistakes in (2), I also recognize Walking Away is NEVER emotionally mature behavior. It took several months, but my W eventually acknowledged she walked away in panic. Whatever emotional reality she was in at the time (e.g. her fear I was going to hurt her), she now realizes it was not based on reality. But it was for her to come to this realization; I neither pushed it nor did I try to make her feel bad about it.
(4) Love at a Distance. This is hardest of all, made possible for me only through (1). Given my understanding of the scale of my mistakes in (2) and the realities of amygdala hijack in (3), I recognize my W has to work out for herself if she wants to save the marriage. I've made it clear that while I accept partial responsibility for the state of M, responsibility for ending M (if it comes to this) is solely hers. So I am in a constant mode of struggle to find the patience, discipline, and trust to leave her free in her journey of self-discovery.
If even 0.001% of all this helps you, I am glad.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Let's say you worked for me and I fired you last year. Then let's say I called you in a huff and said "What the hell man, yesterday was boss's day and you didn't get me anything? No card, nothing??? And here I was thinking about giving you your job back, but now, I don't know." How would you respond to that? This is no different, she fired you from your job as H. Why do you think you should be doing husbandly things for her?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Please start a new thread and link the two threads together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
