Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (6)

[Ready2Change]

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You don't push the process yourself but you don't interfere either. If she asks you for info then provide it. If she gives you paperwork for review then review it and respond. Go with the flow. Specifically you said she asked you for finances, if that is something only you can provide then provide it.

[Ready2Change]

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One of the best quotes I ever read on this board this board is the only difference between the WAW and LBS is timing. Meaning in essence both spouses were essentially unhappy. The WAW drops the bomb and the LBS feels rejected, "rejection breeds obsession" and the LBS is magically in love again. It is more about the destabilization of your life as you knew it being flipped upside down.

IMO true reconciliations that will last happen when both parties go on their separate paths on their own journeys and their paths somehow cross again way down the road. That's the reason I always say time and space to truly figure out what you want is the only way that these situations work out long-term.

[Ready2Change]

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OK so several people said not to snoop. The thing about snooping is when you snoop you get little snippets of info that can be hard to interpret. For example, maybe OM texts your W and says "I'm sorry for everything, I really want to see you again" and she replies "stop it, I never want to hear from you again and I am blocking your number." You look on your phone log and see she sent a message to OM. You think she's contacting him again, and you lay awake at night spinning a thousand different scenarios on why she contacted him, what she said, etc. You don't have the whole picture so snooping just gives you little pieces you don't know what to make of.

That said, when your spouse has been engaging in an affair and comes clean and says they're back in the M, they've blown all trust that you may have had and it is on THEM to rebuild that trust. How do they do that? 100% transparency on phone, email, social media, etc. First of all if your spouse admits to an affair you should absolutely not dismiss it, welcome them back with open arms and pretend it never happened. Because if you do, I guarantee it will happen again and probably soon. You should lay down boundaries. NO weekend outings without your consent, NO sneaking off for 4 hours to go shopping or whatever, NO secret phone texting. When I say 100% transparency on phone and such, I mean she gives you all her passwords and if you ask to see her phone she hands it over for your review. Is that snooping? No, it is her being on probation for violating a very basic agreement in a marriage, that you will not F around on your spouse.

So where do you stand? Your W admits to an A, and says she wants to work on the M. Well what work has she done? NONE AT ALL. Here's my advice to you- sit down with her and tell her that you've given it a lot of thought, that you no longer trust her, and that if she wants to work on things like she says, then she needs to start by handing over her phone so you can see what she's been up to (and hold your hand out for it). If she gets mad and refuses, well that tells you how "committed" she is to working on things, right? And you know where you stand and can start treating her like the WAS she is. If she hands it over, then take it and go through her texts and FB messages and such. That is the MINIMUM she should be willing to do to regain your trust.

Edit to add- many spouses who take back a cheater have also insisted the cheater send a message to the OP telling them they want no contact with them ever again, and then delete their contact info and block them on social media, and do it all in the presence of the cheated-on spouse. If this sounds like it would embarrass her, well yeah, shame is part of what a cheater needs to suffer as a consequence of their actions. You can't treat cheating lightly.

[Ready2Change]

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I'm not Joe2017 anymore. I'm Joe2019 now, and what I want in a woman is much different.

I'm going to do some journaling now since I have so much on my mind:

I know I have insecurities regarding my XW. I'm dealing with them as best I can, the two of us have talked about this. I told her that I am coming from a place of betrayal, and she has a lot of work to do to rebuild trust. She understands and she said she will never stop giving me everything I ask for. It's too early to tell if she will continue this, but in all our years of M I can't remember her committed to anything with this much conviction.

DB is a wonderful gift. I am now able to have R talks with XW and pour out my feelings without being vulnerable or weak. I can actually express my emotions from a place of strength. It's an amazing thing.

She tells me every day that she loves me and that she F'd up her life and our family. She is continually repentant and sometimes I am so blunt in response that she ends up crying. She still picks herself up, tells me that she deserved what I said, and asks me what I need from her. She tells me she was a horrible person, she still is a horrible person, and she is trying to be better because it's what I deserve. I tell her good because I'm a very demanding man now.

There is a role reversal here. I have more WAS in me now than LBS. I don't chase after anything. Sometimes I don't even text or call her. I am a bit of a prick, but not abusive or mean. I just know I can take this or leave this. Certainly, leaving this would be much easier. I think she is much more humble. She shows me great respect now, even more than when we first got married. She constantly praises me and tries to gain my approval. Is she in pursuit? Huh, interesting.

However, in all of our intense interactions over the past couple weeks I really do see something different. Something I haven't seen before even in our first relationship. I'm having a hard time putting my finger on it, but the closest word I can use to describe it is subservient.

[Ready2Change]

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She does not give a damn about your feelings. Anything that gives off the impression otherwise should ALWAYS be a red flag and a hidden motive behind it. ALWAYS.

[Ready2Change]

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It was only after I started the DB process that I realized not only the contributions I made that lead to this, but also the deep-rooted causes of why I was who I was. I would have never addressed my NGS if it was not pointed out to me. I would not have started the process of finding my balls. And I certainly would not have made such strong bonds with a bunch of folks from all walks of life here. This board is my primary source of support.

[Ready2Change]

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It is hard being back in my hometown for the holidays without her and having everyone asking where she is. I just put a smile on and say shes not going to be able to make it this year. My family and their close friends know the truth.

[Ready2Change]

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I'm pretty sure that I told you a year ago, that the old relationship is dead at the bomb, and anything anew would have to begin again from the ashes....Piecing is hard dude, one of the hardest things you will ever do. Many people have come through here, outlasted the crisis, and not made it through the piecing process....

How much of your feelings are you actually communicating? IF......you are truly piecing, and both have committed to the relationship, then it wouldn't be viewed as a "temp check" at that point. It wouldn't be viewed as initiating a relationship talk. It would be viewed as simply having a conversation about your future together.

If something isn't working for you, then find out why, and communicate that to her...

[Ready2Change]

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Think about these two lesser the evil situations and let me know your answer.

Situation #1. Your W puts your children first before her PERCEIVED happiness and ends her A and calls off the divorced. You stay married for the sake of the kids but she never becomes fully committed to you again because she believes there is something better out there. You spend the next 15 years wondering if she files again after your youngest is out of the house.

Situation #2. She continues with D and continues relationship with OM. You take time to heal and continue to better yourself. After the dust settles and your emotions start to stabilize you start to realize that your ex had many flaws that you didn't see. Once healed maybe you start another relationship with a woman who is way better then your ex in all aspects of life. She likes to work through problems not run from them. Maybe your ex comes to her senses and wants to reconcile and will do anything to EARN another chance with you.

I don't know about you but I would take option 2 everyday and twice on Sundays. Yes it's a risk that she doesn't come back , but she has to choose to be with you for it to work out long-term.

[Ready2Change]

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The OM is a distraction to your WW and as long as she sees him as a viable option she will continue to justify her actions and she has to demonize you in order to justify her selfish actions. She's justifying to herself that she has the better option in the OM. The thing to remember is that she hasn't dropped you in her mind she is thinking about you probably more than the OM. She tries to bait you into arguments, make you mad, lose your temper, or even a powerful one get you to make controlling acts and snooping would be one of those trying to keep control. You may not see your actions as controlling but she will take just about any action as controlling and she will use that in her mind to justify her actions. She's a different person because she has to be in order to justify why her actions are okay. The only way to counter that is detachment.

She will bait you so when she calls and says we have to make a decision on this you need to decide if it's a fight you are willing to fight. The kids are paying a price for her selfish actions. But less contact with her can only mean less conflict. She calls don't answer at first. If she texts you don't be afraid to text back busy I'll get in touch with you later. And then when you do. She will probably bring something up that really in the grand scheme of things is not at all important and you need to treat it as such. Simple okay to pissy demands doesn't mean you have to follow through just say ok, and then is that all because I have to get ready for something. No details and please don't ask her what she's been up to or doing? Don't snoop let her be free, because freedom will make her wonder if you care and the little signs you will notice will be calls and text of hey how you doing? What of you been up to? Things like that. When that happens don't respond with details come back here and ask for advice because those are signs but you wont' want to rush when you see them. It's a whole different dating game and you will need advice from people on here who have been through it before yo mess it up because it's a fragile time. But you really right now need to let go. It's the only chance of possibly getting your old wife back.