Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 3)

[Twofeet]

Bo,

Just a suggestion. If you are thinking of having the R talk Friday, then go put in a long and hard run before the talk. Ideally you will feel physically better for it, and it will help get out some the jitters and anticipation.

[Bo562]

Hey TF,

It will be a talk, just not totally sure about what.

I know I’m mind-reading and engaging in expectations, but it could be about just about anything. All I know is that she feels that ‘our relationship is not very good right now.’ But I’ve noticed the last few days she’s been more chatty with me, and more like her old self.

I like the idea of a workout before the talk though—feel physically better, and to work out some of the jitters and anticipation. Thanks!

[Ready2Change]

“If a S / D would be the only thing that would make you truly happy, then I will not stand in your way. I’ll wait for the paperwork.” And “I’ll still sleep in the MBR, but you can sleep wherever you like.”

These are the one I recommend. They come from PuppyDogTails. He helped many people bust their divorce.

Here are words off the top of my head:

"I want both of us to be happy"
"I am sorry you feel that way"
"I understand you feel that way"
"I agree, this is not working for me either"
"I guess we both have some decisions to make"
"I am thinking"
"I need time to process what you have said"
"I will let you know"
"I am not sure how I feel about that"
"I have not decide"
"I will let you know when I have decided"

[Ready2Change]

If this is your BD coming then listen, validate (emotions not actions), mirror the tone. Please don't do what the majority of us LBS do. Please don't beg, plead, bargain, attempt to reason. This is a decision based on her emotions right now. If you get emotional and cry then you cry, but try not to turn into a blubbering mess. Appear to come from a point of strength not weakness.

W:"H, Bla bla bla I want a D...Bla bla ba"

STRONG EYE CONTACT:
H:"I agree. This is not working for me either. I want us both to be happy and if divorce is THE ONLY WAY for you to be happy. I will not stand in your way."

[Bo562]

Thanks R2C.

Looks like a lot of validating phrases, which was also suggested to me as well.

[Bo562]

W:"H, Bla bla bla I want a D...Bla bla ba"

STRONG EYE CONTACT:
H:"I agree. This is not working for me either. I want us both to be happy and if divorce is THE ONLY WAY for you to be happy. I will not stand in your way."

There it is. I figured that was from you or A/S. But yeah the current dynamic between her and I isn’t totally working for me.

I am enjoying the GAL more, though, and I read Chapter 1 of NMMNG.

Thanks!

[Ready2Change]

Any other thoughts?

My initial thought was to avoid R talk like the plague. Then I decided to ask you if you can handle it.


You need to evaluate and then decide if you confront your fear or avoid R talk.


You do have an option to make other plans. Massage, shopping, whatever (DO NOT TELL HER)

Sunday, go do your thing. If she calls, let it go to VM. If she text, respond:

H:"Something important came up that I am dealing with."

W:"What is it"

H:"Nothing you need to worry about."

You can also make the meeting short:

H:"Sorry I am running late, but I am almost there. Something important just came up that I need to deal with, so we need to make this quick."

[Bo562]

Hmmmmmmm

Thing is, how this probably will play out is:

I’ll have the boys during the day, W will come home from work.

MIL will come over at some point (maybe same time as W, don’t know), and then we’ll go out while MIL watches the boys.

So not really much time for me to get away, unless I take the boys on an outing during the day.

Not sure if it’s better that we take 1 car or 2.

W originally did say something like an hour or so.

[Ready2Change]

Hmmmmmmm

Thing is, how this probably will play out is:

I’ll have the boys during the day, W will come home from work.

lets say 6p

You will be dressed very nice, meet her at the door and say:

"Something came up that I have to take care of. I will meet you at 7p at location." and you leave her with the boys.

MIL will come over at some point (maybe same time as W, don’t know), and then we’ll go out while MIL watches the boys.

She will meet you at the location.

[Joe2017]

Bo,

An R talk does not need to last a long time. Time is not your friend during an R talk. Drink NO ALCOHOL!

I would meet her there. I would not drive with her. You need to be free to leave AND she should not feel physically trapped.

You have been given good validation advice already. Things that will probably never change her mind about getting a divorce are pleading and appealing to her sense of logic.

Good luck