It's so sad but in my experience what you Ginger and also JuJuB are experiencing with the fathers is far more common than you may think. It's why it's so so so so incredibly important to chose well when you chose a mate and have a child. But God and the universe has us making baby's before our own brains are even done growing. So please don't beat yourselves up but while we can D our spouse, our kids are always going to have them as parents - no matter how bad they are.
But back to my point, I see it all over and experienced it in my own marriage. My step kids dad was given the I guess somewhat standard at that time every other weekend and one night a week. For as long as I was in their life - from ages 7/9 to out of high school, he NEVER or rarely if ever took them on the one night a week. NEVER!!! He didn't live too far away but his "excuse" was it's too far to come out, he has to get up for work early, blah, blah, blah. So they were left with two weekends out of the month. Oh but even that was rare. He'd often pick them up on Friday, leave them with his parents - their grandparents and go out on Friday night. They might spend some time together on Saturday and I'm less sure what happened but they were there with him. He was to return them by I think 5 PM on Sunday. Commonly they'd be dropped off earlier in the afternoon and late Sunday morning was not uncommon. So essentially he had one day with them.
The result was a step son that craved his dad and wants to be like him to this day. Dad never came to their games or events - or at least rarely. I know because I was there. The problem is, you can try to shelter them from it all you want - and I think you should try your very best - but they figure it out. Even D11 I'm sure feels there is something wrong with her and that's why her dad doesn't want to spend time with her. I can give you hope in that my stepdaughter never had the daddy issue and chose well with guys. She's married longer than her mom and I were and has two kids and a masters degree with a great job and great husband. But she's an extraordinary kid - now adult. I'd like to think I had at least a tiny bit to do with that. Step son I think still struggles as he tries anything in his power to get his dads attention and please him.
And I continue to see this same thing happen all over the place. I see it with D'd friends of mine, I saw it first hand for a few months with Wild Girl's kids who have zero R with their father. And I see it with mothers too. I have another set of D'd friends where the father does an incredible job while the mother is posting about a new BF on Facebook every month. And every dopey guy is paraded through the kid's lives. So please don't think you are in the minority of situations like this - you are not. It's far too common. If I could give you dozens of examples I know it's all over the place.
I wish there was something you could do - there just is not. Life is not fair and that even includes our kids. It's common to over-compensate and try to make up for the bad parent by doing extra. I saw that with my ex W. I'm not sure it helped them as much as she thinks it did. In the end, kids mostly want our time and attention. The best we can possibly do is chose very, very, very wisely and think very hard before having another child with a new guy.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I've never been blessed with children of my own, but I am the stepmother to 3 lovely women and soon to be step mother to another. My daughters were 12, 14, and 16 when I married their dad (my XH). Unfortunately, many of the traits that you and Juju are seeing in your XHs I saw in the girls' mom. She would take them for weekends, then leave them home alone to go be with her boyfriend. If they pushed her about it, since they were old enough to actually voice their opinions, she would either make them stay with her parents or she'd begrudgingly take them with her then ignore them all weekend. It was really sad and had a lasting effect on my girls that I still see to some extent today. They have rebuilt a relationship with their mother in adulthood, mainly because she kept reaching out and I urged them to not shut her out and I think we are all better for it now, but it was a really sad thing to witness in the moment. To her credit, despite the fact that she's a looney tune, their mother has really gone out of her way to repair the damage she did and she is an excellent grandmother to the girls' children. I'm so sorry you are going through that and even more sorry for D11. But, I'm quite sure that she absolutely has an outstanding mom to take care of her.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think being a parent is a great privilege. A parent (step parent included) has the privilege of helping to guide this little soul into the world. Their guidance and actions have such an impact on a life and on other lives affected by that life and so on. Being a good parent impacts the world as a whole. To me, it is the most important and meaningful jand difficult ob in the world. For reasons i cant quite put into words from a phone with a broken screen.
When someone rejects their role as a parent, it feels like a really big sin. They are not only shunning the good of society. They are shunning their own flesh and blood. To me, its a worse crime then murder. They are given this incredible gift, and to discard it the way they do is just unforgiveable. My brother had to take his son off of life support. I know so many people that would give up limbs to have children.
Its also irresponsible. To electively leave you child for others to take care of, is synonomous with taking a crap in the middle of the floor and forcing someone else to clean it. These people are not only irresponsible. They are disgusting and bad for society.
I was really cautious when marrying my ex. He went to top schools. Straight a's. Had/has a great job. Wanted kids. His mom and dad were together. He never cheated on a partner. He never flirted with other women. He didnt like to drink when we were young. All he did was smoke a little weed on weekends. We dated 3 years before moving in and lived together for 4 years before getting married and having a child. I didnt know about all the secrets. I didnt know about his irresponsibility until my son was born. I dont know what else i could have done differently in choosing other then question his saving habits. In my case, it could have been a pain killer addiction combined with hidden or denied foo.iisues..but im not 100 percent sure.
Point being, you cant always predict or choose wisely.
Thank you Don. I just ripped you a new A hole on your thread, but only because you are my friend.
I agree, minimally involved parents a darn shame and make no sense. My ex does his every other weekend and one night a week plus vacations. Some would think that is great. But when you don't get to see your kid everyday your child wants to see you more, and your exW doesn't give you push back, you should be super excited to have the opportunity. I know M would be.
I don't really overcompensate. There are rules in this house, privileges are earned. The water park was a plan and I knew it was the right time to let her know.
Which has caused all the drama in her middle school world. I'll spare you the details of the preteen friend's circle. But D11 has had the same BFF since kindergarten and just this year they expanded their friends circle. D11 chose to bring someone else to the waterpark and her friend is super upset and feels very upset that D11 says she has 2 best friends.
D11 was vey upset last night, and she shared with me and listened to my advice. She also handled the situation beautifully. I am really impressed by her. This is a whole new world and stage in parenting, the teenage drama. But I can't tell you how relieved I am she comes to me to talk and for advice.
I have to take her and the friend she was fighting with to the banquet today because her mom had surgery. She is like my only friend there and the only one who makes it fun for me. Ugh. It's not for me anyways, it's for them, I am just the chauffeur. Hopefully they get along, but they seem to have resolved this very nicely.
I have to go over another week without seeing M again. He's busy this week. It stinks, but I am taking a night to get my hair did anyways and since I'll be working 12 days in a row, I need the time to get everything organized and easier flowing. It just stinks. I want to have the kids talk..... I am guessing that is something he is waiting for me to initiate. We never really have R talks. I am so scarred by them, I am terrified to have them. I am ready to introduce D11 to him. I would love to meet his son, I know his sitch is a little more complicated, but for him to meet D11, I am ready. Not to hang out all the time, but to meet eachother. Hopefully I get the courage to ask.
Ginger, first I don't feel like you ripped me a new one - or if you did, you're not very good at it. LMAO. You did misquote me though but I corrected that on my own thread and totally appreciate and agree with many of your thoughts and comments
So three friends. There are books written about this dynamic. I'll bet it's taught in phycology classes. It can be fraught with pitfalls. I'm very glad but not at all surprised she comes to you - not surprised at all and for that you should feel great. But with three, one is always feeling left out. Didn't Big Band Theory feature this often with the three girls?
Now M... I know how you worry so the last thing I'd want to do is foster that. I may also sound like I'm contradicting myself now but it seems he's been "busy" for longer stretches now. May very well be nothing. But not meeting some core family at this point... Hmmmmm. Not meeting the kids yet I think is okay but even that too - talking a quick casual meeting not doing things together.
It may well mean nothing or he may just be needing some time. In the off chance I'm correct, don't freak out - in general or with him. He may not just be ready yet - that's about him and does not mean he doesn't want to continue with you. From all you say I think he does. He may not just yet be ready for more and at this point that's still okay I'm not saying you should not broach the subject. Just don't react and revolt if he says not yet. Give him the time he may (or may not) need. In fact you might wait until after your ski trip. NOT DURING but after. He's clearly into you but even guys who are into you sometimes need a little space and time. If in fact he does, it's okay. The best thing you can do is pull back a bit, have a whatever attitude and let him come to you. The worst thing would be to chase, crowd or cry about what's wrong and why not and are you leaving me. Don't go there. Let him go to his cave and come back as John Grey says.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hi there G. Just a different perspective from Don. As a single dad myself with relatively few responsibilities I find very like M does that it is tough making time happen. I'm sure it's tougher for him as he not only has work like I do, but needs to do active parenting and is more involved with an extended family than I am. I'm a firm believer in Occam's Razor - the simplest answer is often the correct one.
One thing that you've touched though that I wanted to suggest you give some hard thought to. Babies. They're cute even when they are covered with goo. I sense you waffling on this. Now - I'm certainly not a medical expert but know from growing up around horses (sorry if the analogy offends - it's intended to make a smile) that eggs get old. It's well known that if you want a top notch foal that you start with a young mare. And you my dear - for all that you are significantly younger than I am - are towards the end of your child-bearing years. You could probably make a fine and healthy baby but the risks of not are increasing. There's also the whole poop, constant demands on time, setback in your career thing to think of.
I'd like to suggest that you make yourself a nice bubble bath (my favourite place to think), have a nice glass of something you like, soak and really really think about what do you want. Not a baby to bind you two together. Not a baby to make him happy. I'm asking you to be selfish and think about you and only you.
No need to answer me but I think that you need to know the answer to this before it becomes a question. To be sure down to your bones on what you want.
I do know that for me as a guy in my mid-50s if some young hottie came up to me and wanted to make babies, the answer would be a definitive no. With some minor surgery I'm undoubtedly capable of making a fine contribution, but I know that that time of my life is past.
((G))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You really like this guy, but you've only been dating him for a few months. What is the rush to have relationship talks and babies? What is the urgency to make this a permanent thing? Both of you are single parents trying to do and be all for your kids. It's difficult enough trying to make time for the kids, work and for yourselves at the moment. Enjoy the time you spend together for now and really, really get to know each other. I'm not saying not to think about the future...but you two really haven't had that much time to enjoy life and see all the warts and flaws in the mix. Now, if you had been dating for a year, then I think it would time to time discuss a deeper relationship and as for babies...well, I wouldn't go there unless you both were in a very committed relationship, plan to marry in the next few months and then the discussion of babies would come up. If you are worried about your biological clock ticking, freeze your eggs and when the time comes, you will still have viable eggs.
Whatever you decide, make sure it is truly what YOU want and not because you are trying to please him or tell him something that you think he wants to hear.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I’m on my phone and can’t really reply as I would like right now, but please let me clarify....
I wasn’t talking about having kids together! I was talking about the kids we currently have now and meeting them!!!!
One thing I will never do is bring another life into this world to make someone else happy. We are NO where near having that conversation. Am I sure I don’t want more kids? No. It’s really tough being 38 going onto 39 knowing your time is pretty much up. And I always imagined having 2 kids. But if I ever make that decision it’s bexause it’s something I want.
If I decide yes. I won’t rush it. I don’t have all the time in the world. But there is one thing I really fear. And that’s being a single parent again. If I was going to, I would want to do my best to avoid that.
Okay! Now that you have clarified the "having kids together". It makes more sense!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
