Coly, I understand what everyone else is saying, but if you have not been able to detach, you can't beat yourself up or just demand to yourself, "DETACH!" It's a long slow journey with tiny eensy bits of progress. I suspect if you think of how you were around BD or read old journals (but don't, because what a huge upsetting time suck!), you can rest assured that you are way more detached than you were then. You are as detached as you are able to be right now. You will become more detached too, but maybe it won't happen so fast, and maybe half the time you will feel these backward pulls and just want your husband to love you as he used to. Today I had some highs and then I got hit hard while watching my daughter swim in the bay at sunset thinking of how my H was here with us last year and I thought he was coming back, and it was so much nicer than this trip (we do it every year with my dad) is this year, in fact, this year the trip was awful and upsetting 50% of the time. And I got so sad. It happens. Then you get back up on the horse and sometimes you can even detach really well.
I don't believe detachment is possible except as a grace from God. I have to pray for it all day everyday, and start the battle over again a lot. For those of us who don't want to D and won't initiate one, it remains deeply painful. I can see how "moving on" makes it easier. It's why they call it a cross to bear. The question is if you can make meaning out of it and willingly accept the pain because you have a reason to carry it. My reason is God, and so most of the time I am very clear on the meaning of my choice.
DB-ing is a great tool but it's a process, not a river you cross once and that's it, you are cured.
I know a lot of people here do it by sheer force of will but my will is not that powerful. I pray for God's peace, and sometimes I receive that grace, and sometimes I just long for my husband and can't ignore the fact that most of my life with my kids is like walking around with 1-2 limbs lopped off.
My vote for you is that you keep looking at how far you have come, not how far you have to go. Maybe it's beautiful that you still love your husband and long for his love. It hurts you a lot, and that's why everyone wants you to detach, because we hate to see each other hurting, but I am one who knows that it's gonna hurt to stand for your marriage.
I do think though that you can zip your lips. You can feel all these feelings and never let your H know. You'll feel a power and a peace in that.
And you also can battle the motivation of bitterness and despair -- if those feelings are motivating your actions, you may not be able to banish the feeling right away but you can refuse to act on those feelings and use the power of your mind to figure out what you would do if you were motivated by acceptance or even forgiveness instead. Keeping the news of the exam from H was way more trouble than just texting back, "She did great" or "Not so good but better luck next year." You can see it as a blessing that he wanted to know something about her, you can see it as a blessing that he did make contact on your birthday, even if it's not the way you wanted. You don't need to punish him, God or the universe will handle that. I posted something on Gordie's thread about speaking life instead of death over your M, maybe you can read that though it's faith-based.
But no matter how you see it, I do think you can use the sheer force of will not to give evil for evil. You can want to give evil and not be able to get rid of that desire, but you don't have to act on it. You can answer him politely and then go cry in the forest for a good long while.
You are doing just fine. It hurts. It really hurts. You are detached a lot of the time. Forgive yourself for when you can't do it, and know that there is a beauty to the love you still feel.
((((COLY))))))
Last edited by Gerda; 08/29/1804:14 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
You all say I should cut him loose/let him go, but I don't know how to do that without D. I don't want to D so how can I let go without going to those lengths?
Hi Coly. (hangs head sheepishly). I actually am suggesting that you divorce him. You can't have a marriage with only one person.
I know that you really really don't want to do that. And of all the people in this wide world, I am absolutely not the boss of you. Just a friend who worries about you and means well.
No matter what your choices though I will always be proud of how you truly show what it means to love someone.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
OneArt, you are right. I do not handle limbo very well! I normally need to see things being done, moving along. This not knowing is very hard.
Yes, the expectations are the killer for me. I just don't get how someone can stop caring in such a dramatic way. That is what causes my anxiety because it is something I find very hard to get my head around. It sounds to me like you are saying your H doesn't want a divorce anymore is that correct? And when you say he us in withdrawal does that mean he has stopped replay? How do you know? I think my H is still in replay although I don't have any evidence!
Job, apologies I hope I didn't offend you or anyone. I am just confused as to how to let him go. I have gone months and months with no contact and then I read somewhere that having a little contact helps to let them know you still care. Maybe I need to realise that this does not work and stop going down that cheeseless tunnel!
Yes, I need to get the rubber band out again. It used to help me before.
I just need to stop playing chicken with myself and like you say wait for him to contact me if he wants to. And I need to realise that all the time he doesn't contact me, means he doesn't want to speak to me so I shouldn't feel I have to make the first move.
By the way, thank you so much for linking my old thread! X
Coly .... so I am a bit new to your thread but not new at all to this process. I went through my BD about 5 years ago and reading along the fact you are struggling with "Letting Go" jumped out at me as I am probably the posterboy on how not to let go ... our separation went on for 4 years ... yes ... 4 LONG years. I will tell you this, D does not magically allow nor let you let go either. As job mentioned this MLC process is a lesson on letting go or getting dragged ... I have the road rash to prove it. My advice and the best thing I did was just accept you are where you are, not by your choice but refuse to waste away the years reacting to what he does or does'nt do and apply that energy to things YOU can control ... like making some of those changes that improve yourself. Regardless of what happens you will benefit with a better you after this is all done.
To touch on the part you mentioned "How can a person just stop caring" ... I had issues with that aswell, in my sitch it was 23 years and all the sudden I was just cast aside. I learned through all this the MLCr has this ability to take all that love and feelings they had for us, withdraw them out of our marriage bank and do a direct deposit straight into the Affair account without us even knowing. Somehow this helped my apply some logic to an emotional riddle, the love and feelings were still there I just was not collecting any interest on em.
As far as withdraw, replay and all the stages ... tbh they are of little consequence until the baking is complete and you will know ... in my case I had a nice round with a touch and go that lasted about 3-4 months and right back into replay she went. This MLC thing is no fun for anyone involved hence sites such as this to help us wrap our heads around it all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thanks for checking in on me AP. All is good here, just plodding along. D is going to be 18 next month so we are getting ready for her party, all very exciting!
I’m also doing lots around the house and just living my new improved life! As for H, he has gone even deeper into his tunnel that he doesn’t even contact D anymore. I’ve blocked his number from my phone so it stops me from wondering if he might contact me. Doing this has really helped me to drop the rope.
To all those newbies. If you read this, I promise it will get better. Although i still feel sad about it all, I don’t feel as desperate or anxious anymore or feel the need to find any excuse to contact H. I didn’t even wish him a happy birthday and it felt liberating!
Happy Monday everyone! X
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly, this is such wonderful news. I am so happy for you. The sadness will probably still be there for a long time. I know it is for me, but reaching that point where you don't need to know anyone, don't need to reach out, and don't need to make excuses for contact is wonderful. I went through a time where I dreaded the contact, but now don't really care one way or the other. I've started hypnosis/life coaching to help me move forward and feel less stuck (I don't think I'm a counseling kind of girl, I want to leave the past in the past and focus on the future). Who knows what is out there, but I think it has to be better than the last few years.
Coly - so lovely to hear from you. I'm glad that you are still checking in.
It sounds that despite I am sure the odd bad day that you and your D are having good ones.
Keep in touch - a few of us have found each other outside of here. The clues are there if you look and yes, I am the world's worst hide and seek player.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am so glad you returned for a visit. You sound good and have been keeping busy. I'm sure your place looks fabulous! I can't believe your D will be 18! She is wise beyond her years! Happy Birthday to your D (early). Try to enjoy the holiday season.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just read the past two pages, It's a nice surprise from the beginning to this end. I am sosososososo glad that from aug, to nov your posts had a drastic change. Everyone drops the rope when they're ready, I'm glad you were and did. also proud of you for not wishing him a happy birthday, definitely signs of detachment. I'm glad you blocked him, but a little sad he's being a big old selfish jerk toward D18. it's been about a month, did D18's party happen ? did H reach out to her? -nothing you can do but to continue being the best Coly for D18. what are the plans for the holidays?
