"W we both know why I removed your stuff from the MB."
Direct and to the point. Words don't mean $hit right now. Only actions do.
Agree.
You say this only after she asks. Do it confidently, matter of fact, holding eye contact, wait for her to break eye contact first. Then shut up and listen. Let her vent whatever....
At some point this "Sorry you feel that way" or something similar may be appropriate.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We both came home late. Me from work, her from appt. I did not get a chance to move her stuff out of MBR but she continues to sleep elsewhere anyway. It was just the 2 of us in the house and she sat down and wanted to talk. To back up a bit, a few weeks ago someone we know recommended a new counselor given our situation. A counselor more specializing in a sitch like ours. We both agreed to look into this counselor. The office was closed for a couple of weeks over the holiday's so I didn't hear back from counselor until yesterday. This is the counselor who suggested discernment counseling. I simply forwarded the email to my W with no comment.
So that led her no ask me "what do you think of the suggestion in the email". I simply said "I'm not really sure". She said she had looked a lot more into this type of counseling and thought it would be something we should try. I was listening, not speaking...and holding eye contact. She lost it. Sobbing. Went on to say she misses us...and it breaks her heart everytime she thinks about the damage she has caused. Continues to say she's scared that we won't be able to fix our marriage...and wonders if I still want too. She said she noticed how I'm changing, taking care of myself and she feels pulling away from her with a new/different attitude. I still have said basically nothing beside "uh huh" and nodding. A lot of talk about how disappointed she is in her self and she can't believe this is where we are at...and what she has caused.
She said even though she thinks I wasn't hearing her when we were struggling prior to A...that she should have said more, talked more, spoke up. At this point my only statement was that I need to research this type of counseling a bit more before I decide. I admitted I am certainly ready to move on with or without our marriage...and this whole situation has been a personal wake up call for me. I said I have thought about my life play with and without her. And if this type of counseling can help me understand what I want...then maybe it's worth a try. She continued to cry saying how heartbroken she is for me, her kids, our family, etc.
She went on to admit that she is struggling to go NC with the AP. Claiming to have not had any contact for nearly the past week. She told me that she is so upset about leaving him that she couldn't even work yesterday. She said having her adult son staying with us the past few days has been a good distraction from it...but she simply couldn't function yesterday. I did tell her I wish I could believe her...but given recent history....I need more than words. I wasn't rude, short or mean. But I did say less in this discussion than ever. I gave her a lot of eye contact and tried to keep the focus on her. Slight validations..but not much. I kept hearing the words from this board in my head...and I thought very carefully about my responses. My demeaner remained up...I didn't get upset or act sad. Felt confident. I did have a voice in my head saying "geez, wouldn't it be nice to be done with all this drama and emotional weight". Normally I would have been offering suggestions and trying to "fix" all it it. Been reading No More Mr Nice Guy and it started to make sense during this discussion to me internally. No matter what she said...I felt stronger from this discussion.
I don't really know what to make of it all...and it certainly doesn't change my plan going forward. Just a different feel from this one. From what I've read about discernment counseling...the goal is to decide on 3 outcomes...
1. Stay married as is. (NO) 2. Move towards divorce. (MAYBE) 3 Or decide to do full-on couples therapy for six months to see if the marriage can be put into a good place, with a clear agenda for personal change and with divorce off the table during this time. (MAYBE)
Still looking for someone on here who has had experience with this...anyone??
"when this all started a few months ago, you asked for time and space. I have given you that. Since then, you have made no meaningful effort to end your A...and shown no indication that you are interested in working on our marriage...even though I have made it clear that I am willing to do so. So, now it's me that needs time and space. I can no longer share a bed with you since you continue to see/contact OM. I will move your things out of the room and bathroom and I ask you to respect my space going forward."
That's a speech! I see you are definitely a member of the Wordy Family. I'm your cousin Sandi.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There are a lot of words on her end but I am yet to see any actions on her part. You want to hear from her "what do I need to do to fix our marriage"?
Right now she is giving you the WW script that we hear all the time. The concern is you go to counseling an she uses it against you and says "see we tried counseling and it didn't work".
You are getting better but you still talk too much and need to let your actions speak more then your words.
Forwarding her the email was a mistake. She should be sending you these emails if she really wants to work on the marriage. You're still showing her you care about the relationship more and unfortunately that puts her in charge.
Forwarding her the email was a mistake. She should be sending you these emails if she really wants to work on the marriage. You're still showing her you care about the relationship more and unfortunately that puts her in charge.
If you allow her to eat cake she will eat cake.
The email was from a counselor we both agreed to look into weeks ago. At that point I told her I would email the counselor. She had asked about it from time to time. I simply forwarded it to her...and didn't add comment or bring it up. She did.
Going along the line of treating her like a business partner...I'm not sure how I don't forward the email. I guess I could have waited until she asked about it again...but she had asked within the last week and I said I'd tell her when I did.
No...we agreed I would reach out to this counselor. She had been asking if I had heard anything. But I understand your point. It's a balancing act to stay with the rules, not be rude...and treat her as business partner.
Quiet night. W came home from work and first question was “did you hear back from counselor about an appointment.” I said that I was waiting on a call back. Other than that just small talk. I did a lot today to help my step kids. W needed help getting them to activities and I agreed. I love these kids...but at what point do I step back and help less? That’s hard.
Reading No More Mr Nice Guy....and it really hits home. Another side effect: it makes me feel like I married my wife for all the wrong reasons! Anyone else feel that way while reading?
