another day, another thread, another burned

[Yail]

Just one more thing to add to my last post. My coworker has recently reconnected with (her words) "The love of her life" after 40 years. They dated as teenagers.

Does she regret her past relationships she's had in the past 40 years? I haven't asked, but I don't think so. She just believes he came back in her life in a time that was right for them.

I know we don't want to wait 40 years for a shot for our Ws to return to us in this universe. But if you saw the pure bliss that she is living - you'd want that too.

[Ready2Change]

I. WANT. TO. PURSUE.

We all do. It is human nature. As a man, you need to use logic to address this emotional issue.

I miss her. I don’t miss “being married.” I don’t fear “being single.” I just adore this woman.

It is OK to miss her. You love her. It is OK to feel how bad you miss her. It is part of the process.

I’m starting to feel like DB isn’t really what’s advertised. More like, dump the b— and move on, and don’t ever look back. (And yet I keep forgetting that that’s what might actually “work.”)

Busting a divorce is hard. MWD has a set of principals that gives you a better chance than if you did not do them. We can not control other people. Only ourselves. How we hold ourselves. How we let others treat us. How we respond to others.

At this point I’m operating as if she will never again be a part of my life. I’ll have to sort out all the “why”s on my own.

That is what I had to do. It [censored]. I believe I am better off after going though hell. My brother died at 27 when I was 29. Going through the divorce was just as, or even more painful than losing my best friend.

Setting her free and focusing on you, your personal growth and your happiness is the best option. There are two outcomes to this. She realizes what she lost or she doesn't.

GAL is fine, at least within normal limits for an extreme introvert. Detachment we covered. 180s, I’m already seeing changes in my physical appearance, my interactions with other people, my attitude toward life and the world. I’m hopeful about those things, at least. So overall, I’m DBing. W, if you’re reading this, I’m becoming awesome but I won’t be around forever so come get some while it’s fresh.

Keep it up. 180 and learn to be an extreme extrovert. It takes work, but you will be a healthier person.

I wish you well. I hope your wife likes the new you. If not, you will find love again.

[TJT]

The chance for reconnection WAY down the road is hopeful to me. I'm not banking on it. But I DO know my W, and I do know that if we each truly addressed our issues we would potentially be a very good fit once again. So in your own knowledge of your W, just remember that it happened once. It could happen again.

This is exactly the perspective that is helping me get through as well. Do not think of everything as being so final. Yes you have to live your life "as if" and burned, to your point, I agree that DBing is really more about us moving on, but dressed up a little sometimes. But it is a fact that nothing guarantees you will NOT get another chance at R.

Whether you will want it or not if/when that time comes is another story, and that's something I'm glad you recognize too burned... even if you don't necessarily feel that way now.

I find it does help to think of the things you may have been frustrated with in your M or with your W. Keep a list. It doesn't mean that you no longer accept those things (we've talked about this before) but it puts into perspective the opportunity you have ahead of you to no longer have the weight of those things on your shoulders AND to look for someone or something that will fulfill those needs better in the future.

As time goes on or as I continue talking through things with family and friends, I'll often think of a random argument or mannerism or something about H where I'm like "man, that really DID frustrate the heck out of me!" I hate trying to use that as an "excuse" for myself to not want him anymore, but it also doesn't mean it's not reality that there are others out there who may be better for me in certain areas.

I also did an exercise VERY early on, like when I felt like I was dying and couldn't concentrate on my work, where I wrote a whole list of things I loved about H that I was saying goodbye to. I literally wrote "goodbye cuddles", "goodbye good morning text messages", etc. At the time I will admit that I don't know if it really helped to make me feel better...but it was good just to get the thoughts and holding on to the good things in my head OUT, I think.

This was in addition to writing a separate list of affirmations for myself. The stuff like "I am enough", "I am loved", "I am a good person". And you can also try the gratitude journal to write three things you're grateful for every night, or even three things you've accomplished that day that you're proud of.

Just keep getting your feelings out, being honest with yourself and being mindful of your state of mind. And celebrate even the smallest wins.

[TJT]

My brother died at 27 when I was 29. Going through the divorce was just as, or even more painful than losing my best friend.

Wow, I am SO sorry to hear this...and also, it makes me feel much less crazy about how bad I feel going through D. Thank you for providing that perspective in terms of the depth of pain in each scenario. I feel like people don't believe me much of the time when I try to tell them it's like someone died.

There are two outcomes to this. She realizes what she lost or she doesn't.

Not wrong.

Keep it up. 180 and learn to be an extreme extrovert. It takes work, but you will be a healthier person.

I would adjust this to "learn to do things like an extreme extrovert". By all means don't force too much and ignore the introverted part of you that needs to recharge - I am the same way and that has very much been a part of my healing process too. But I get what R2C is saying in the sense that you do have to force yourself to do things you would not normally do, and don't spend TOO much time to yourself even if that's what's comfortable.

One therapist told me you don't have to even like going out and doing something, but getting out and just being around other people helps the human condition greatly, even if we don't enjoy it at the time.

[Ready2Change]

I would adjust this to "learn to do things like an extreme extrovert".

and learn to be comfortable doing these things.


We all have issues from our childhood that are brought to the surface during times like this. Now is the time to address these issues. (if you think it would make you more well rounded).

[burned]

Since I'm back here posting, figured I might as well address my own issues. (This place is like a train wreck, I just can't look away...)

Can we change the framework? Instead of pursue = bad, can it be space = good? Your W with her actions has requested space. Her actions were not okay, but I think we can agree the message is clear. Can you think of this as giving your W something she has asked for? Giving her space?

This is a strangely helpful way of looking at it. Initially I thought, "She's not asking for 'space,' she's asking for me to exit her life." But then,

What if you considered this to be some very strange 3-year "break". And in those 3 years, yes, you may go through the logistics of D.

That's strangely reassuring, and doesn't quite fit with the idea that she should feel she is losing me. "He'll be there waiting for me" isn't something I want her to think, even though at the moment it's true. Probably not 3 years from now. But I'm not ruling out the possibility.

she's also changing now, and going through her own process. So let her learn about herself.

Still not detached enough not to think "By gosh it would kill me if AFTER she learned more about herself, someone ELSE would get to benefit from it. ARGH! Because,

I DO know my W, and I do know that if we each truly addressed our issues we would potentially be a very good fit once again.

This.

what if in 2022 you happened to run into W in a bar

It's very unlikely to play out that way, firstly because I don't really go to the places she goes, secondly because given the fact that her school is far away and my job was the only reason we lived in our town...She would have to text me out of the blue. There's where the faith part comes into play. Because as LH19 says, it's just so very unlikely, and...it just doesn't seem like something that W would do.

The chance for reconnection WAY down the road is hopeful to me. I'm not banking on it. ... So in your own knowledge of your W, just remember that it happened once. It could happen again.

You get to date ANYONE in the whole world. Why would you choose the ONE person who made you so unhappy? (And I realize that statement works both ways, and that a person can't really "make" you unhappy, but I'm trying to get at the emotion rather than the facts.)

Overall I feel like I'm making progress on detachment. There are good moments and bad moments over the course of the day, but the good seems to be starting to outweigh the bad. Last night I wrote in my journal about how I'm feeling like, "I love this woman, and I want what's best for her, and it's not about HAVING her but about LOVING her." Something like that. Almost like it gives me a sense of calm to know that she will find something that is good for her, rather than something that I WANT despite the message she has clearly and unequivocally sent to me, that I am no longer welcome in her life, at least as a H. I'll be fine one way or another. The emotions will subside. And the future is uncertain. I think back to what people here have said about how the WW always SEEMS 100% certain but maybe isn't always. Like what DV6 said about putting up an appearance that everything is fine, even if maybe it isn't.

Reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius also helps.

And I haven't heard anything from her since "Merry Christmas." I'll go ahead and eliminate any expectations, and assume that she is just taking her own break from this madness during the holidays. Maybe she'll come back full force later in the week. But who knows? I've been nothing but polite and distant. I have no way of knowing how that affects her but I do notice that it affects ME in that I'm starting to feel a bit better.

So yeah. I'd gladly have her back. Joe2017, I imagine how hard it would be to be in your position, but I would relish the challenge. At this stage in the game I'm feeling like I wouldn't jump right in, that I'd play it cool. That's what I'm trying to do now. Play it cool, no expectations.

Ah who am I kidding. I have expectations, and it ain't gonna happen. So, time for me to GET BACK TO WORK. Here we go, 2019.

[SoTorn]

I think the healthiest way to approach this is to have zero expectations that the WW is going to come back. I don't feel that mine will. My WW may be having her doubts. She was back and forth initially after the initial BD of ILYBNILWY speech where she just said "Give me space and we will see". Then when she decided to jump into the PA that moved to "We can't fix this, I want a D".

So I know she was conflicted and I know that she knows she made it worse. I distinctly remember the first time she slept with OM. I picked her up from the airport and I tried to give her a hug and a kiss and she completely flipped out on me and started yelling.

I don't know if I can take her back knowing that she has been with another man honestly.

[LH19]

.She would have to text me out of the blue. There's where the faith part comes into play. Because as LH19 says, it's just so very unlikely, and...it just doesn't seem like something that W would do.

I am not sure I am following. What did I say was highly unlikely?

[burned]

Sorry! Not trying to mischaracterize your posts. I meant that in reference to when you said that after D the odds of recon decrease substantially. Over on another thread, Twofeet I think.

And since I'm clarifying that hastily-written and cryptic post, here's another one:

The chance for reconnection WAY down the road is hopeful to me. I'm not banking on it. ... So in your own knowledge of your W, just remember that it happened once. It could happen again.

You get to date ANYONE in the whole world. Why would you choose the ONE person who made you so unhappy? (And I realize that statement works both ways, and that a person can't really "make" you unhappy, but I'm trying to get at the emotion rather than the facts.)

When I said "you can get to date anyone" I meant, "W could date anyone." Meaning, the way she has been and might continue to be, it seems unlikely to me that she'd want to date the one person who, in her mind, is the reason for all of this drama.

Blah blah blah blah poor me.

Jeez, Burned, enough with the self-pity posts. Your W isn't special, she isn't different, it's the same script, just keep DBing and stop thinking about her. How many times do we have to tell you? :P

[LH19]

B,

Well the stats say 10% of D people remarry. What the stats don't say is how many want to recon and the LBS spouse says "sorry no longer interested".

My point to DC is early I believe I spouse is conflicted and if strength is used it gives him a chance. If the LBS is weak it just makes him weak in the LBS eyes and gives the WW more time to establish a permanent relationship with the AP.

My true belief is a true recon that lasts long-term happens years down the road if both paths cross again.