Dealing with a WW and trying to save myself pt. 4

[Joe2017]

Many people here advocate staying in the MH and taking over the MBR. Even my L told me to stay in the MH. I agree in some circumstances. I did the best I could until it was clear that it was dangerous. I owned the MBR, but in the end I could not maintain my sanity or my safety.

IHS is a potentially high risk situation with a wayward. They can be volatile and can do literally anything to get their way.

I did not know it at the time, but XW's OM actually told her to bruise herself, call the cops, and have me arrested for domestic abuse. She refused to bruise herself and report a false assault, but did call the cops. The officers that showed up believed me more than her because she was obviously off her rocker.

After that I secretly packed up all of my stuff and my son's stuff and went to a friend's house. Everyone's sitch is different, though. I hope nobody else here has to go through a similar ordeal.

Once I was out of the MH my DB went to the next level. Everything was easier without her around me. My NC game was amazing. It was much more peaceful. I was able to detach.

Leaving was the right decision for me in my sitch. That doesn't mean it's right for other people, though.

[Phoenix9]

IHS is a potentially high risk situation with a wayward. They can be volatile and can do literally anything to get their way.

It hasn't gotten to that level yet. But I am keeping my eyes and ears open.

Once I was out of the MH my DB went to the next level. Everything was easier without her around me. My NC game was amazing. It was much more peaceful. I was able to detach.

Leaving was the right decision for me in my sitch. That doesn't mean it's right for other people, though.

I struggle with this. Though I am starting to see the benefit of leaving...or having her leave.

[SoTorn]

Many people here advocate staying in the MH and taking over the MBR. Even my L told me to stay in the MH. I agree in some circumstances. I did the best I could until it was clear that it was dangerous. I owned the MBR, but in the end I could not maintain my sanity or my safety.

IHS is a potentially high risk situation with a wayward. They can be volatile and can do literally anything to get their way.

I did not know it at the time, but XW's OM actually told her to bruise herself, call the cops, and have me arrested for domestic abuse. She refused to bruise herself and report a false assault, but did call the cops. The officers that showed up believed me more than her because she was obviously off her rocker.

After that I secretly packed up all of my stuff and my son's stuff and went to a friend's house. Everyone's sitch is different, though. I hope nobody else here has to go through a similar ordeal.

Once I was out of the MH my DB went to the next level. Everything was easier without her around me. My NC game was amazing. It was much more peaceful. I was able to detach.

Leaving was the right decision for me in my sitch. That doesn't mean it's right for other people, though.

This is why I record every interaction and have cameras set up. She knows the cameras are set up. Honestly IHS is very hard. WE keeps lying. Keeps pretending shes only seeing friends and traveling for work. I know shes getting her ti e with OM in. It seems hopeless to me at this point and IHS is wearing on my sanity badly.

Joe, did you file for D or her? Did she go full tilt girls gone wild when you moved out? IHS makes it very easy to backslide. I dont think my conversation with her was pursuit, but it sure pissed her off that I said I wasnt her friend and that I'm not just going to help her constantly unless she asked nicely.

I was reading Squiggys stitch and he kept applying the five love languages to his stitch. Why would someone apply the love language when the WW is actively in an A? I am still struggling with this detach with love thing. Should I approach it like Squiggy and be available to her to help? I feel that would destroy me emotionally because she would just be taking advantage of me. I am cordial and I am upbeat and happy when around her, but I just leave her alone. I dont ignore her completely. But I dont initiate contact unless necessary.

My WW love language is acts of service. More like acts of slavery lol.

I am truly struggling lately from all of the face to face contact with her. Because of the holidays and the snow I have had more time with her than I wanted. I am going out of town Friday to go visit a friend out of state and will probably visit some family as well.

Do I need to tell WW that I am going out of town?

This situation is nuts. My WW makes great money, we have had ups and downs but we always got along, had a great sex life. She doesnt need me to survive. She literally doesnt. But she wont file for D or leave. That's just nuts to me. Every day that goes by I think "do I even want her back after what she did?" I mean do I? What am I putting myself through?

My kids will hurt and them living at two houses would suck, but I would be able to truly just enjoy myself as a single man. I am stable financially. I am good looking. I already have women asking me out and wanting to date me.

What am I afraid of?

[ovrrnbw]

Next step, if she texts you that you are being hateful after you just helped her just ignore it.

You're sending mixed signals because you said this:

I told WW that as long as she is actively disrespecting me and headed down this path, I am unavailable to her.

but you just helped her move the car in.

So she knows that's what you're thinking, now don't tell her again, just show her. And do it kindly, no need to be rude even though she is wanting you to be rude.

[Joe2017]

The 5 LLs are for couples to interface with each other better. Are you and your W a couple?

When I moved out the OM had free reign of my MH. I'm not sure of the GGW status of my XW at the time. She swears she was only with 2 other men including OM.

My XW BDed and filed basically within the same week. It was very fast.

You have to enforce your boundaries. Just stating them is not enough to protect you. You can't just draw a line down the road. You have to build a median.

[Twofeet]

ST,

I saw on another thread where you talked to a lot of WS to get their perspective. It seems like you told some examples of WH and their regrets, but not really mentioning any WW. Have you talked to any WW and gotten their perspective?

[SoTorn]

Next step, if she texts you that you are being hateful after you just helped her just ignore it.

You're sending mixed signals because you said this:

I told WW that as long as she is actively disrespecting me and headed down this path, I am unavailable to her.

but you just helped her move the car in.

So she knows that's what you're thinking, now don't tell her again, just show her. And do it kindly, no need to be rude even though she is wanting you to be rude.

I did yes because I am on the insurance and where it was sitting some idiot would have hit it. lol

[SoTorn]

ST,

I saw on another thread where you talked to a lot of WS to get their perspective. It seems like you told some examples of WH and their regrets, but not really mentioning any WW. Have you talked to any WW and gotten their perspective?

Yes I work with a few WWs and they all went through the same path, same script. Cheated, BD, split with spouse, a year or so later they felt very bad and tried to get back together with their ex spouse and were denied. On my team here at work, five people have been cheated on.

Out of those five, four of the wayward spouses came back and reconciled. Only one BH moved on and didnt accept the WW back. Every single wayward spouse in all the people I know, eventually tried to rekindle the relationship.

[SoTorn]

The 5 LLs are for couples to interface with each other better. Are you and your W a couple?

When I moved out the OM had free reign of my MH. I'm not sure of the GGW status of my XW at the time. She swears she was only with 2 other men including OM.

My XW BDed and filed basically within the same week. It was very fast.

You have to enforce your boundaries. Just stating them is not enough to protect you. You can't just draw a line down the road. You have to build a median.

Are my boundaries even enough though? With IHS I literally can only have the boundary of no contact and me not helping.

That does nothing to stop her from seeing OM.

I have a friend that asked who OM was, in trying to find OM on SM he sent me pictures of the accounts. OM has since changed his profile picture to that of him with his W and two grand children.

OM is playing my wife like a fiddle.

[Phoenix9]

OM is playing my wife like a fiddle.

Then it's HIS problem to replace strings.