Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Okay well after reading the forum rules again I decided to not paste all the quotes I've been saving, just to be safe. I may do a few here and there as they are appropriate though.

I will recommend Brene Brown's "Rising Strong" book for all of us here. It is NOT a book focused on divorce so I hope it is not seen as "competition" to MWD and I am not banned for breaking rules.

[burned]

I'm going to show up at their door and let it loose!

I want to be there to see it. No, but seriously, don't.

Then there's also that song about Sandcastles but DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT.

Don't worry, you'll never catch me listening to Beyonce so we're safe here.

I'm definitely gonna have to figure out what the "crazy" length of time is relative to this. 6 months? 1 year? I know nobody knows.

The nice thing is, YOU get to decide. And judging by your posts the last couple of days, I think I can say two things for certain: 1) the time is not now, and 2) you've got a lot of fight left in you. Your H should consider himself a very lucky man.

I don't think anyone should EVER have to hut this badly. It aint right!!

Amen!

Denial is the blindfold so that you think you're eating beef. Once you're done with the meal, you don't need the blindfold.

I think I get what you mean by this but could you explain a little more, burned? Is it like, giving myself false hope by denying the truth is just to protect myself emotionally until I can actually handle/accept the truth fully?

Yeah and I've been kicking that idea around all day. I don't know that it's anything you give yourself, and it doesn't really have to do with hope. I think the idea is that on some level you know you're eating elephant, but if you took the blindfold off right now you'd puke and then you wouldn't be able to finish your meal. So keep it on, keep chewing, pretend it's beef because that's what it takes. For now. Later on you'll get to brag about the elephant you ate. And you'll be proud of yourself for having eaten it. Because 80% of people would take one bite, rip off the blindfold, puke a bunch, and then hunt down the ashhole who fed then elephant meat. And now I'm kicking a dead horse. Dead elephant?

IIIIII justthinkIcouldalsodothatwithsomeonebymysideandnotalone.

Did you mean to type this without spaces? It looks kind of cool. And yeah, you could do it with someone by your side. But not anyone. Either H or nobody. Otherwise it sounds a lot like codependency, and then you'll have to go to some silly group and sit on an old couch and talk to strangers for an hour every Tuesday night.

Oh, now we're getting to the good part.

I don't want to be this strong and actually give H his space and it turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to him.

FFFFFFffffffffffffffffuuuuuuunnnnnnk that. If you are who you claim to be and OW is who she claims to be, and she's the best thing that ever happened to him? NO. Because that implies that you're a donkey turd, which you do not appear to be. Or that OW is so great that she's better than you. Which I find hard to believe. Right here I see an area where you need to make some changes to how you think/talk about yourself. That kind of subtle comparison stuff is bad and I know it because I was there. And

I'm still in the place you were a while back, burned

I noticed that today, too. It's like you're only 2 steps behind me so I can see very clearly what might help you. I try not to be too in-your-face about it but that's sort of how I am, so take it or leave it. And maybe this doesn't make you feel any better, but it's really nice to look back on where I was and see the progress. Keep following, you'll catch up.

"Is this really MLC or is H just an A-hole that hid it really well and/or used me for 9 years?"

If you want the ultra "bro" explanation, go to YT and type "Jocko Willink move on." I'll let him do the rest of the talking on this issue.

I do feel like I'm an awesome person but I feel like I wasn't able to prove that to H

You don't have to prove anything to him or to anyone. If he didn't see it then he had his head so far up his rectum that I'm surprised he could still breathe.

I have had a lot of guilt lately about things I DID do wrong. The mind is a crazy thing because I remember there being times where I questioned whether he was the one for me, and admittedly getting a little too comfortable and maybe not keeping everything "light and happy", instead expecting him to change certain things in order for me to be happy. Not that I wasn't trying, because I've got countless examples of that...but now that he's gone (and now that I understand more about the dynamics of these things) I wish I hadn't let the gaps in what he was giving ME affect me so much. Clearly I was willing to accept those things and stay committed to the M, in any case, and I did still feel happy, not "stuck"...

Some of what you've said reflects shame, as opposed to guilt. Shame is a real nuisance. But guilt, in the right doses, can be highly motivating. So use that guilt as fuel. You can't go back and do it over but you can become the kind of person, who at age 30, is wiser than most of the 50-year-olds out there. Keep that in mind next time someone derisively calls you a millennial.

I need - and deserve - support and commitment and forgiveness and understanding and alllllll of the things, too.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING! Run with that. What else does TJT want and need? Validation from the current version of H? Thanks but no thanks. Validation from strangers on the internet? Maybe. Validation from herself, because she is a good person regardless of what anyone else thinks? Yeah, that. Tap into whatever it is that excites you and makes you think, yup, maybe I'm bad at [something everyone is bad at] but I'm really good at [the thing you're good at and very few other people are]. Therefore, I, whose real-life name is TJT because that's a name now, am an awesome person.

he (and OW) just don't know what those things are that they're not good at yet. But obviously I'M living in a fantasy land if I believe they will never surface. They undoubtedly will.

THIS. It may take years but it's pretty much a guaranteed outcome.

Literally EVERYTHING was reminding me of H and I even saw two decorative items side by side where one was H's initial and the other (a completely separate item) said "memories". I mean WTF, thanks universe.

Just now I was doing a puzzle with my mom. It's a map of the city I grew up in, where W and I lived for a couple years. I'm looking at all these place names thinking, Oh do you remember the time she and I went there, blah blah blah. It's not the universe. The universe is a cold and uncaring conglomeration of atoms. YOU are doing that to yourself. Catch yourself when it happens and replace those thoughts with other thoughts. Picture yourself eating an elephant.

I feel all this pressure to make it a better year and I'm just afraid it won't be. Also, me and H's dating anniversary (before we got married) used to be New Year's, because I vividly remember that the first time we spent New Year's together was the night I really felt in love with him, after probably 6 months of seeing each other (yeah, it took a while, which is why this hurts that much more to lose it). And now of course I wonder if H and OW are having some super romantic "2019 is the start of OUR new life" celebration. Puke.

Yep, one of my first thoughts this morning was, "I wonder who W will kiss tonight." Puke is right.

"Barn's burned down now / I can see the moon" - Mizuta Masahide

Despite my username, I will not accept the blame for that. But now I'm curious about Japanese poetry and I'll have to drag down to B&N and buy another book. Thanks a lot.

[TJT]

Wow THANK YOU burned for responding in such detail to my post!

I'm going to show up at their door and let it loose!

I want to be there to see it. No, but seriously, don't.

Haha, I won't. At least not right now... I would maybe consider it if stuff gets to a point where I really truly 5,000% DGAF. But that is far, far off.

Then there's also that song about Sandcastles but DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT.

Don't worry, you'll never catch me listening to Beyonce so we're safe here.

Well that's unfortunate! Lemonade is a gem for me right now, lol.

I'm definitely gonna have to figure out what the "crazy" length of time is relative to this. 6 months? 1 year? I know nobody knows.

The nice thing is, YOU get to decide. And judging by your posts the last couple of days, I think I can say two things for certain: 1) the time is not now, and 2) you've got a lot of fight left in you. Your H should consider himself a very lucky man.

Wish he had friends like you who would say that to him. One of his friends told me recently he's happy to talk about anything with me except my H and his son. F that guy. Nobody wants to stand up to anyone, especially the people they should stand up to (their friends) ESPECIALLY when they are making poor life decisions. That's why that guy is still single too though I guess.

You know I read a thing this morning that said how people doing these kinds of things surround themselves by people who reinforce their thinking and behavior, which I already knew H was doing, obviously, but I thought about how right before he moved out he also went out to hang out with a former work buddy, which was not typical for him. And I was concerned because this "work buddy" of his was married but also had a girlfriend, that the wife KNEW ABOUT (yep you read that right). Apparently she thought as long as he was good to the kids, she didn't care what he was doing.

H and I talked about how crazy that was but when my H and I had an argument where he said I never let him hang out with his friends, 1) I had to debunk that because that's not true - he just never put forth effort to make plans and blamed that on me, and 2) I DID tell him straight up that when it came to THAT friend, I was totally not comfortable with him hanging out with a guy who thinks it's cool to just be married and have a girlfriend.

The ironic part is when things were going bad for us and he went to finally go hang out with that friend, I asked how it went when we came home and he said that he's doing well and deciding to focus on his family now. I was actually ecstatic inside thinking he would take the hint that he should do the same. Buuuuut nope.

Oops. Sorry for the tangent.

Denial is the blindfold so that you think you're eating beef. Once you're done with the meal, you don't need the blindfold.

I think I get what you mean by this but could you explain a little more, burned? Is it like, giving myself false hope by denying the truth is just to protect myself emotionally until I can actually handle/accept the truth fully?

Yeah and I've been kicking that idea around all day. I don't know that it's anything you give yourself, and it doesn't really have to do with hope. I think the idea is that on some level you know you're eating elephant, but if you took the blindfold off right now you'd puke and then you wouldn't be able to finish your meal. So keep it on, keep chewing, pretend it's beef because that's what it takes. For now. Later on you'll get to brag about the elephant you ate. And you'll be proud of yourself for having eaten it. Because 80% of people would take one bite, rip off the blindfold, puke a bunch, and then hunt down the ashhole who fed then elephant meat. And now I'm kicking a dead horse. Dead elephant?

Okay got it, and this is really helpful. Thanks.

IIIIII justthinkIcouldalsodothatwithsomeonebymysideandnotalone.

Did you mean to type this without spaces? It looks kind of cool. And yeah, you could do it with someone by your side. But not anyone. Either H or nobody. Otherwise it sounds a lot like codependency, and then you'll have to go to some silly group and sit on an old couch and talk to strangers for an hour every Tuesday night.

Yeah I did because I knew people wouldn't like it and I wanted to sneak it by. haha. I'm actually even rethinking "levels" of codependency.. not that I think I don't have it, but just that I think we all have a HEALTHY level of attachment and codependency in an M. I mean we don't agree to be lifelong partners with someone just because they're "kinda" helpful in our lives. I think there are gaps in us all that are meant to be filled by others, and sure some of those are things that can be filled by others OTHER than our spouses, but you get where I'm going with it.

I don't want to be this strong and actually give H his space and it turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to him.

FFFFFFffffffffffffffffuuuuuuunnnnnnk that. If you are who you claim to be and OW is who she claims to be, and she's the best thing that ever happened to him? NO. Because that implies that you're a donkey turd, which you do not appear to be. Or that OW is so great that she's better than you. Which I find hard to believe. Right here I see an area where you need to make some changes to how you think/talk about yourself. That kind of subtle comparison stuff is bad and I know it because I was there.

You have caught me on this one, burned. My mom keeps telling me the same thing. Again I never considered myself and unconfident person, but I am self-conscious...if that makes sense. So this has triggered me to laser in on every self-conscious thought I've ever had about myself and make them bigger than they are. I mean my my H left me for someone younger, and she isn't ugly, and she does have many of the same traits as me... so it's VERY hard not to compare. In fact, based on the things I saw in the past on her pin boards, it's almost like H left me for a younger and I'll say, of course, dumber version of me. And I know HER XBF was NOT anything to brag about looks-wise, so I am great at justifying their relationship!

And then all those times you are with your spouse and you think, "I'm so glad he/she puts up with X thing I do, because I KNOW it's annoying/not perfect/whatever"? Alllll of those things are just bubbling up and freaking me out. Like man, do I really have to try to find someone else who isn't going to hate me when I rage about them chewing too loud?? (fun fact of the day: misophonia, it's a thing, although it's pretty mild for me).

BUT.. I AM getting better about saying, you know what? H isn't perfect either, and the thing that IS valuable about me (that you pointed out earlier) is that I have a lot of fight in me. We'll see if he can say the same about OW when ish gets real between them. I read an article about that this morning too, in terms of loyalty being one of the main reasons people who leave their spouses regret it. And then I was thinking all day today about how H may be on his best behavior with her right now, but surely he will fall back into some of his lazy habits and she'll start to notice those too. Unless of course H makes the changes individually to improve while he's with her because he knows he needs to do that and doesn't want to lose her whereas with me he just didn't care *shrug*. Again I'm REALLY super good at the worst case scenario thing.

I'm still in the place you were a while back, burned

I noticed that today, too. It's like you're only 2 steps behind me so I can see very clearly what might help you. I try not to be too in-your-face about it but that's sort of how I am, so take it or leave it. And maybe this doesn't make you feel any better, but it's really nice to look back on where I was and see the progress. Keep following, you'll catch up.

Thank you, keep adding on, I appreciate it!!

"Is this really MLC or is H just an A-hole that hid it really well and/or used me for 9 years?"

If you want the ultra "bro" explanation, go to YT and type "Jocko Willink move on." I'll let him do the rest of the talking on this issue.

"That's what you gotta watch out for, is that you become a hardened criminal and you don't trust anybody." Yeah, fear of the world is the other thing to overcome in this case. Even if I accept H was an A-hole that means I have to accept that other people can do the same . And, LOL at 7:00.
JW: NO! NO, she wasn't!
Other guy: Yeaaaah.

Also... the other hard part about this is that it removes the element of people making mistakes. Like, how do you differentiate between someone making a mistake and someone REALLY being that as a person? Obviously if this is something they've done over and over, or if it is in fact a bad relationship with the "good times only 10 minutes a week" , then you have an answer.

Some of what you've said reflects shame, as opposed to guilt. Shame is a real nuisance. But guilt, in the right doses, can be highly motivating. So use that guilt as fuel. You can't go back and do it over but you can become the kind of person, who at age 30, is wiser than most of the 50-year-olds out there. Keep that in mind next time someone derisively calls you a millennial.

Oh my god that last line, pure gold. Seriously. I can't. Anyway though yes, you're right, I do have shame too. I need to catch up on Brene's talk about shame to figure out what I can do with it.

I need - and deserve - support and commitment and forgiveness and understanding and alllllll of the things, too.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING! Run with that. What else does TJT want and need? Validation from the current version of H? Thanks but no thanks.

Key phrase - "current version of H". That's helpful because I absolutely want validation from H but you're right, if it came from the person he is now it wouldn't mean much to me anyway!

Validation from strangers on the internet? Maybe. Validation from herself, because she is a good person regardless of what anyone else thinks? Yeah, that. Tap into whatever it is that excites you and makes you think, yup, maybe I'm bad at [something everyone is bad at] but I'm really good at [the thing you're good at and very few other people are]. Therefore, I, whose real-life name is TJT because that's a name now, am an awesome person.

I've been *thinking* about this a lot but putting into action is hard. I just need to get some energy back and not feel so depressed, because right now I'm still in that phase of not liking the things I know I really do actually like and am even passionate about, because the person who knew those passions and knew me so well isn't there as a witness.

My mom sent me an article a while back about how we are all just wanting a witness to be there in our lives for everything. I mean thinking back from when we were kids, any time we accomplished something what did we do? We asked our parents or our friends or our siblings to "watch me!" We still crave that as adults, we just don't express it that way.

Also, I've been catching myself actually using "my H" in my head now, lol, so yeah TJT is becoming a part of my identity too! Kind of like when you've been playing GTA too long and then you get in your car but have to remind yourself you can't actually crash into everyone in real life. Or maybe that's different.

Literally EVERYTHING was reminding me of H and I even saw two decorative items side by side where one was H's initial and the other (a completely separate item) said "memories". I mean WTF, thanks universe.

It's not the universe. The universe is a cold and uncaring conglomeration of atoms. YOU are doing that to yourself. Catch yourself when it happens and replace those thoughts with other thoughts. Picture yourself eating an elephant.

I actually did catch myself and tried to be like "whatever TJT, that's just coincidence". It just happened like 20 more times, but I know it's one of those things that you just notice more because your awareness is heightened. So yeah. I'll picture the elephant next time! In fact maybe next time I go out to run errands I'll just ride on the elephant!!

"Barn's burned down now / I can see the moon" - Mizuta Masahide

Despite my username, I will not accept the blame for that. But now I'm curious about Japanese poetry and I'll have to drag down to B&N and buy another book. Thanks a lot.

Hahaha, well the meaning behind the quote is really nice. I actually know nothing else about that poet but I do like the style and thoughtfulness/wisdom of it all.

PHEW that was a lot. Thank you though, immensely. The reflection really helps. I'll try to post a separate update on my day now!

[TJT]

Okay, first update of the new year!

I felt pretty good today actually. I was bored and didn't do anything exciting whatsoever, and I'm not looking forward to starting work again tomorrow even though it has been really good for me to keep me occupied up to this point, so it's probably just getting back into the swing of things. But I think maybe why I liked NOT having the work distraction is because it really is mostly a distraction, and during this time off I've had a little more time to think (probably too much than I need, but still).

I'm also looking forward to annual review time (or the results of it from last year I should say). Hoping there was enough left over to give me a little boost in pay to make things at least a tad more comfortable in the situation I'm in!

Other than that, I need to go bathing suit shopping and muster up the energy to pack for a trip with my girlfriend next week... I am anxious about it but also glad that I will be with her, and hopefully I can relax and experience some sort of epiphany of being happy without H while I'm there. Fingers crossed!

Oh, and I did think of some specific things H used to do that I HATED today, like really really wanted him to change. It made me feel good for like 30 seconds, then I just went right back to not caring about his flaws. Ugh. Weak.

[burned]

Wow THANK YOU burned for responding in such detail to my post!

You're welcome. In all honesty, it's more for me than for you but I'm glad it's helpful.

Wish he had friends like you who would say that to him.

Unfortunately the people who don't tolerate people who do those things are also the people who tend not to befriend people who do those things, or who de-friend them. Hence,

people doing these kinds of things surround themselves by people who reinforce their thinking and behavior

That. They'll drop anyone who doesn't support them. Wouldn't you?

I asked how it went when we came home and he said that he's doing well and deciding to focus on his family now.

The lying had already commenced.

I mean my my H left me for someone younger, and she isn't ugly, and she does have many of the same traits as me... so it's VERY hard not to compare. In fact, based on the things I saw in the past on her pin boards, it's almost like H left me for a younger and I'll say, of course, dumber version of me.

Don't compare yourself to OW. It's a losing battle. He doesn't know you're doing it, so you're only hurting yourself. And I hope you'll run into people in real life who think that "dumber" is a dealbreaker. Your intelligence, or at least your ability to fake it (thereby indicating that you really have it, paradox!), is an asset that you should lean on.

And then all those times you are with your spouse and you think, "I'm so glad he/she puts up with X thing I do, because I KNOW it's annoying/not perfect/whatever"? Alllll of those things are just bubbling up and freaking me out.

Oh that one, I know it well. I have a long list of things that I'm certain people will immediately dump me for. But you know what? W snored and that was super annoying. Did that make me not love her? No. So, remember that if/when you fall in love with someone else or re-fall in love with H, then YOU will be the one suffering from what some people call a mental disorder that causes you to do irrational things, like tolerate snoring. It's called limerence. We hate it when it's with OP but it also can work in our favor at some point.

the thing that IS valuable about me (that you pointed out earlier) is that I have a lot of fight in me.

Yeah and not to sound like the creepy stalker next door but I think a lot of guys are into that. Women who know their worth. Plucky? I dunno. Around here there's TONS of talk about how women like men who know their worth. I say it works both ways.

I read an article about that this morning too, in terms of loyalty being one of the main reasons people who leave their spouses regret it.

Very curious to hear more about this. If I were to use a popular search engine to find it, what would I type? Or can you summarize?

H may be on his best behavior with her right now, but surely he will fall back into some of his lazy habits and she'll start to notice those too. Unless of course H makes the changes individually to improve while he's with her because he knows he needs to do that and doesn't want to lose her whereas with me he just didn't care *shrug*.

NO. I agree that it's hard to "work on yourself" in a relationship but if H didn't want to make changes to himself while he was with someone like you, what makes you think he'd do it with anyone else? Here's the reality: she's not special. You are special, but that's irrelevant. It's about HIM. The hope is that at some point he will stop and think, yikes, I don't like this one either, but TJT was kind of neat. Wonder if she's still single. Then you get to decide if you want to try again with a guy with that kind of track record.

how do you differentiate between someone making a mistake and someone REALLY being that as a person?

Mistake: "Sorry I shat on your rug, I won't do it again and here's 20 bucks. We cool? Let's get a beer." Being that as a person: "What, that? Oh that's your sh#t. Yeah I mean I stepped in it but you're the one who put it there. Anyway, whatever, I gotta run, there's some other sh#t I need to step in. Burn the rug, I'll send you a bill. Have a nice life!"

[TJT]

Well that went to sh!t quickly.

I was just on Pinterest, minding my own business, fa real, and saw a notification (like you do with anyone) that my H just followed OW on Pinterest. Of course she's now following him back.

And he's no longer following me. Because, of course, all of our collaborative pins/boards about our wedding, our house, and everything we shared in our life together doesn't make sense anymore.

This hurts WAY more than it should at this point and a good day has turned pretty terrible. All the thoughts of H maybe turning around seem like I'm just lying to myself as he's clearly enjoying every minute of being with OW.

I just don't want to care anymore and I don't know how not to. I don't know why my H has so much power over me. I'm trying, I really am, but I just know that the minute he starts removing me from other things I'm probably not gonna be over it and this process is just gonna be drawn out for like the next few years of my life, at least.

The only thing that helps me is to make up more lies for myself. For example, yeah, I have been pinning stuff to do with the house in the board I had created with us both on it. I mean I wasn't gonna create a new one just for myself and have to start over, and I wasn't about to kick him off myself. So okay, maybe he was getting notifications about that, and maybe OW is super snoopy and like checks his e-mail or something and saw he was still following me and maybe demanded (ok, even just nicely asked) him to stop?? I DO have evidence from her XBF that they used to track each other's locations on their phones... which is not something H and I EVER did.

I just need a reason for this not to be real. Life is so stupid.

[TJT]

Very curious to hear more about this. If I were to use a popular search engine to find it, what would I type? Or can you summarize?

I randomly discovered it as a recommended article while I was reading something else. It was from a site called bolde.com, titled "Guys, you may not realize it now, but here's why you'll live to regret letting an amazing woman go"

The loyalty thing is covered in a few of the points but #1 hits it pretty squarely on the head.

Doesn't help though when you feel like a total failure like I do right now. And you know what I think my problem is? I live simultaneously in the world of "I'm awesome but I'm also a failure". In other words, I'm awesome but that's not good enough.

I've always felt that way in my life, if I'm honest. Like I've got what it takes but for one reason or another I'm ALWAYS two steps behind. I think that's also why I have the hardest time letting go, because just when I think I do have something I have to somehow deal with the fact that NOPE, I don't.

I also just read something about coming to terms with the impermanence of everything in life so that you can go into relationships in a healthy way without getting too attached. I get it in principle, particularly as it comes to preparing for losing loved ones to death, but again as far as relationships go I feel this is BS that they tell you just so you don't go crazy. It should be possible for me to find one person out of these billions of people who will be in a committed and happy relationship with me until I die and it takes more than just "love yourself first" to make that happen!!

Also, yes elements of things change but general stability is possible. It's why we have a calendar, why we have mornings and nights, why we have work weeks and weekends. Structure and stability and commitment IS A THING.

Sorry, I'm definitely spiraling right now. These initial posts getting this out have helped a little but I'm gonna go take a stress bath now. Man I just want this to be over SO BAD. I don't want to cry anymore or feel like a POS because some actual POS left me.

[Yail]

Around here there's TONS of talk about how women like men who know their worth. I say it works both ways.

Yeah, this dialogue is a common one here. I agree wholeheartedly with Burned here - it goes both ways. Also, men like men who know their worth and women like women who know their worth. Just wanted to stop by and queer it up a bit.

I do think that it is a sign of mental health when individuals fall in love with other strong (know their worth) individuals. I know I'm like 20,000 steps ahead, but you will be certain to attract a strong individual in your future.

Mistake: "Sorry I shat on your rug, I won't do it again and here's 20 bucks. We cool? Let's get a beer."

This is not related to the discussion but Burned you forgot to mention the part where the offender CLEANED IT UP!!! I'm laughing so hard right now.

Back to real talk....

and a good day has turned pretty terrible.

No. Because up until now you were having a good day. Your day was mostly good. Then it wasn't. I don't want you waking up tomorrow and thinking that this entire day was a waste, or negative, or backsliding. It wasn't. It was ONE moment of your day. But up until now it was a good day. Remember that.

and this process is just gonna be drawn out for like the next few years of my life, at least.

You're making assumptions based on how you feel in this moment. You have no idea what the next few years will look like and I don't want this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It will be hard, but you are not doomed to wallow is sadness forever.

I know a lot of people say "it won't be like this forever" and it sounds trite. But there are a lot of people here who have lived it. Don't be so hard on yourself for feeling sad, but also don't assume it will stay the same in the future. Grief is a moving target.

If you have a moment that is funny or happy to you - embrace it. Don't feel guilty over being happy for a moment. I felt that way early on - like how dare I laugh with a coworker when my life was falling apart. It turned out to be the best way for me to remember I'm not dead. We have to have courage to move on and hold our heads high, and taking every moment as it comes is really important in feeling brave.

To summarize: You can feel sad. But don't trick yourself into thinking that's all you can feel.

[DejaVu6]

(((TJT))). So sorry you are feeling this way.

Your H has power over you because you are still grieving the loss of him. This is a process. There is no way to get past the pain...you have to go through it. It isn’t fair and it hurts like h3ll but there is no other way. If your H turns around TJT, it is not going to be a month or two from now. The A has to run its course first. And that is IF he turns around. You can’t count on him doing that otherwise you will still be in this place a year from now. You have to move forward and live your life as if he isn’t coming back. If he does, then you will have some choices to make at that time. But if he doesn’t, you will be okay too. That’s the great thing about DBing and GAL... you win either way.

I know you want to have a connection to your H right now but honestly, I think you should not wait for him to remove you from things. I think you should either remove him yourself or just stay off SM altogether. Not forever...just until you are feeling stronger and less vulnerable. Checking up on him and OW really is a form of self-torture. I avoid SM like the plague. I’ve probably spent about 10 minutes total on it since the summer...maybe even less. I don’t miss it.

Anyway...don’t want to come off as harsh. I totally understand where you are coming from. I know how difficult this is but you have to do the things that are going to help you move on even though part of you really doesn’t want to. Fake it until you make it...and you WILL make it. I promise. There is a GREAT life out there for you. BELIEVE IT!!! Make it happen!! (((HUGS)))

[Joe2017]

DJ is right. The only thing that compared to the loss I felt during my D was when my grandfather died. We were really close. Your marriage is dead. The H you loved disappeared into thin air and got replaced by an alien. This crap is hard and it is not fun.

But it is not the end of your world.

Read the poem The Guest House by Rumi. Another member here (I think Surfer) recommended it on my thread. It helped me tremendously when I felt the waves of emotions crashing into me over and over again.