1) Cannot stress enough the importance of speaking to your L first before you start doing things financially. You may put yourself in a position where your W still has rights to the money you're setting aside, EVEN IF there are certain "agreements" in place - depending on your state. Make sure you are covered legally so that anything you start building up won't tip the scales and put you in a worse place should D have to happen.
2) Regarding your W and all the things she is asking / expecting and how you are analyzing them - I think you are thinking WAY too much about her. I am not saying I don't do this too, by the way, but in your last post it was really super obvious that you are still letting her behavior (which you KNOW is not logical) bother you.
It is definitely harder for you since you are still living together. That was one of the major factors in my sitch that I couldn't handle, and it only lasted a few weeks in my case before I had to tell H to go. HOWEVER, you do have to weigh, again, not only the legal aspect of moving out but ALSO the reality that you will not have as many opportunities to interact with your W and show her your 180s, etc.
I totally get your conflicted feelings on this because it will absolutely help you to detach, but you just have to be prepared for what may happen either way (continued cake-eating while you're together, or her potentially seeing you moving out as even more of an opportunity to get deeper involved with OM). I somewhat regret asking my H to move out for that reason (I feel it expedited him and OW getting serious...but maybe that's just the illusion I had, I don't know).
Also, I'm not the best at "prescribing" actions based on DBing principles since my sitch was too far gone before I got here, but if there's anything you could do to make sure you are not only validating your feelings, but also expressing what YOU would need (setting the boundary), that may be good. I totally understand that you have likely done that before without result, and without her active willingness to work on the M with you, it does sound like cake-eating.
Definitely stay calm and don't get angry and vindictive or "punishing" toward her.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
My state is 50 50 period. Also, I would just be paying down debt that we would be splitting if I didn't. But yes I'll ask a L.
I was actually ignoring WW all night. I dont really let her comments bother me anymore. Old me would have been sucked into an argument with her comments. I used to aggressively defend myself when she said dumb stuff. That helped nothing.
There are pros and cons of me staying and moving. OM is married and lives in another state. WW already travels constantly to see him. His job requires he lives in his state.
Yes it still bothers me obviously. The cake eating bothers me a lot. I have talked with several Ls. There is no harm in me moving out. I have good reason.
I have said my boundaries multiple times. WW doesnt care unfortunately. So all I can do is not get drawn in. I wasnt trying to punish her. I honestly figured she could handle putting a tree away.
I would have helped if she asked. I was just reading and wasnt even paying attention to her.
If I move it will be because I no longer want to R with WW. That would be a self preservation move.
Maybe Sandi can give me some feedback on whether or not I should be available and offering help.
I have always offered. But that's some history she rewrote where I "never" did anything. According to her she built our successful life alone.
If I stay its because I'm still hoping WW will come around. I dont know if that's what I want honestly.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
OK look. The minute your spouse decides to have an A, it means you can't be a part of their life anymore (with the exception of children and business.)
You do NOT allow cake eating. You are better than that. Don't allow yourself to be used and abused that way. If your WS has decided they want to be with OP, then that is THEIR NEW PERSON.
XW asked me for help a few times during our D that was neither business nor kids. One time she came home and thought the house may have been burglarized because the back door was wide open. She wanted me to come and check the house for intruders. I told her to ask her new man for help with that, because that's his job now. Yeah, she lost her sht over the phone and screamed at me about it. Whatever! I hung up. She could have asked OM or even called the cops. Leave me alone.
On several occasions I had to tell her that we are not friends. I am either your husband or I am not, but I am NEVER going to be in your friend zone, EVER. EV. ER.
Also, doing sht for them is not "fighting" for them because they will continue the A no matter what you do for them!!!! They want their cake and they want to eat it too! Every time!
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I have said my boundaries multiple times. WW doesnt care unfortunately.
Stating your boundary to her means nothing. Enforcing your boundary has weight. If she suffers consequences for dishonoring your boundary......so be it. If she doesn't have consequences, but it protects your respect, dignity, emotional feelings......then that's the point/reason for the boundary.
Don't restate your boundary, as if it is a threat to her. Every time you say it and don't back it up, you weaken the boundary...….b/c you are proving it that it's really not a boundary at all.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
WW has been giving me a hard time all day about not helping her. WW got stuck getting in the driveway. I was getting my boots on to go help. But she came in demanding help. She didnt ask, she demanded. "You need to push my car!"
After we got her car inside she again made a comment about how nobody is helping her.
I told WW that she doesnt want me as her H and that she needs to stop getting mad when expectations she hasn't even voiced are not met. I told WW that as long as she is actively disrespecting me and headed down this path, I am unavailable to her. But if she asks nicely I would consider helping if she needs.
WW then demanded that I refinance the house and buy her out or leave. I advised her that I choose to do neither. So she again threatened L. I told her that her threats will not make me do what she wants.
I wasnt arguing or raising my voice and yes I probably said too much but I was not validating her bullsh*t. WW again demanded i move out. I said no. I told her that she is welcome to leave and that everyone would be fine if she left. This is actually the truth. Our kids have expressed that they want WW to be the one that leaves.
Also, WW is going to end up paying me. I'm sure I could offer to not have her pay if she gives up the equity in the home.
WW starts messaging me after she goes upstairs. Says I was being hateful. I told her I'm sorry if she feels that way.
WW says "you honestly think we are staying M?"
I responded again with "I told you before that I do not want a D, however if that is what will make you happy I will not stop you."
WW responded with "you saying that stuff to me shows the kids you dont give a sh*t". I responded saying "I'm confident our children know I care".
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I feel that the only true boundary I can have with IHS is not being her friend and not making myself available to her for anything. That's really it. Beyond moving out I really dont know what else to do besides go dark. Unfortunately when we get stuck at home like this we end up interacting. WW wants to play like all is normal.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
My legal benefits kicked in. I know have the ability to hire an attorney for $0. I will retain them tomorrow.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
IHS was the hardest thing I did during the D. You have to really put the AS IF mindset into full action and always treat your spouse like the store clerk. Polite, to the point, but not friends.
Boundaries included types of interactions, topics of discussion, and showing me disrespect. The consequences were leaving the room and going NC.
It is HARD to maintain. Extremely hard. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but it didn't in my sitch.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
It is HARD to maintain. Extremely hard. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but it didn't in my sitch.
Taking your potential R out of the equation, did you feel that an IHS strengthens a person better than if one person moved out? I'm kind of in an IHS situation now, but I make myself as unavailable as I can. It's been torture, especially in the last 6 months and while I feel that my progress has been slower than I liked, I feel that the changes are taking on a more true and permanent form.I feel that it would be harder for me to backslide on those changes.
