UGH. FAIL!!!.....trying means nothing...and "just go live with that moron. I'm sure you'll have a great life in his parents basement." blah blah blah. She just kept saying "I don't want too" when I told her to leave and have a nice life with him. I told her I had met with my attorney and I'm not afraid of divorce!
I don't believe it was a fail based on this. If she heard you.
Less words is always better, but sometimes it is hard to hold back.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We don't fail, we gain experience and apply it in the future. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a crazy period in your life and sometimes we lose control because we are so passionate about what's happening.
IMO, you said a lot, but your W can start to see some strength coming from you. Keep reading, keep posting.
Onward and Forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
We got into it again last night as she pulled me into an argument....and I couldn't bite my tounge
Perhaps you should apply duct tape over your mouth.
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I must be completely misunderstanding validation.
IMHO, the H should not even attempt of validate his WW when she is talking about her feelings for her AP. The H does need to say something that sounds as if he is agreeing, or is empathetic for her feelings that are tied to the AP. In her frame of mind, I believe she can misread his show of tenderness, and she will use it to totally manipulate him emotionally. However, if she has truly ended all contact from OM; has committed to saving the MR; is cooperating in a transparency plan...... then the H should be encouraging and validate her as she goes through the withdrawal stages of the A.
I've found very, very few LBH's who seem to be able to implement validation naturally. Another Stander is one of the best of our current active members, IMHO. But it just does not come naturally for most men who are in the initial stages of dealing with a WW. He either over-kills and comes off sounds like an a$$ kisser; or he repeats the same one, which becomes boring and loses effectiveness; or he says something that is totally misplaced in the current conversation from his WW.
Due to these reasons ^^^^^^^^^^, I think it's best that the LBH not try to verbally validate his WW when she is throwing a tantrum, ridiculing him, having a pity party, etc. I am not against validating people, I just believe with WW cases, the H must be careful or she can easily take what he says and use it against him. I have seen some newcomers who just wanted to try the validating method, and was focused on using it rather on the right time and circumstances.....and it would come across making him look completely weird or weak. So, until the H is satisfied his WW is truly committed and not contacting her AP, I think it's better if he didn't try to validate. That's just me. I think there is a reason newcomers pay so much attention to validation......especially men who have NGS. B/c these men want to nice back their WW, and they see validation as a nice way. They don't really understand it.
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Sandi... As you said. Finding the middle is so hard. I find myself bouncing from one extreme to the other.
I don't know the proper name, but carpenters use this little hand held tool to measure something from point A to point B. There's like a little bubble inside this tube on the tool that shows if the project is too low or too high from either side. If the bubble goes to the left or right, then he knows the project is unlevel. What he wants to see is that bubble right in the center, b/c that tells him the structure is level. That's the image I get when talking about balancing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Pretty quiet New Years Eve and Day. Her adult son stayed with us for a few days...so that has kept her occupied and I've been a bit out of her space...and her a bit out of mine.
Yesterday morning I said I wanted to un-Christmas this house. She objected, saying she wants to have a day to do nothing. I don't know if this is a trait of WW's...but she has been very unmotivated to take care of anything (including herself) lately?? Things around the house, even her kids...just not doing as normal. Anyway, I told her she didn't need to help but I was going to get it done on my day off. So I enlisted the help of her kids and packed up everything and got it all done. She walked into the living room while I was packing stuff up...and said "I don't like your vibe". LOL. I was cleaning, playing music even had a cocktail. Terrible vibe for sure!
She spent the day downstairs with her son watching movies. I stayed upstairs. I cleaned, did some work outside, read and watched some tv on my own. There was a plan to make dinner...but suddenly they ordered pizza mid afternoon. So, I made myself dinner. Later, after I had already gone to MBR for the night...she came up and said "So I guess this means your not making dinner?" I said I ate after pizza showed up...so not tonight.
This morning when I get to work...I notice her keys in my vehicle. I texted her that her keys were with me. She replied "how am I going to get to work?!!" I didn't reply. Then about an hour later...she said her son would drive her and asked me to bring keys home at lunch. I replied with "I'm not coming home for lunch today...you'll have to stop by my office and grab them". Normally I would have gone out of my way to get her keys to her. I'm not being a jerk...I'm just not saving her anymore. I don't need to act like her husband when she is the WW.
I haven't set the MBR boundary yet...although she hasn't slept in our bed for the past few night anyway. I plan to set that boundary and move her stuff out of MBR tonight or tomorrow, depending on work schedule. My plan is to be as brief as possible when telling her. Something as such... "when this all started a few months ago, you asked for time and space. I have given you that. Since then, you have made no meaningful effort to end your A...and shown no indication that you are interested in working on our marriage...even though I have made it clear that I am willing to do so. So, now it's me that needs time and space. I can no longer share a bed with you since you continue to see/contact OM. I will move your things out of the room and bathroom and I ask you to respect my space going forward."
Thoughts on this plan/statement?? Too much talking? Other advice?
This morning when I get to work...I notice her keys in my vehicle. I texted her that her keys were with me. She replied "how am I going to get to work?!!" I didn't reply.
Why did you not respond to her text? No response comes off as you being passive aggressive.
Originally Posted by DC421
I haven't set the MBR boundary yet...although she hasn't slept in our bed for the past few night anyway. I plan to set that boundary and move her stuff out of MBR tonight or tomorrow, depending on work schedule. My plan is to be as brief as possible when telling her. Something as such... "when this all started a few months ago, you asked for time and space. I have given you that. Since then, you have made no meaningful effort to end your A...and shown no indication that you are interested in working on our marriage...even though I have made it clear that I am willing to do so. So, now it's me that needs time and space. I can no longer share a bed with you since you continue to see/contact OM. I will move your things out of the room and bathroom and I ask you to respect my space going forward."
Too much talking. I think you are looking for a reaction from her. I wouldn't give her a warning, I would just do it. I gave you a brief response in a previous thread.
LH - I figured that was too much talking. Maybe that's my planned response when she asks WTF are you doing? She will.
And I didn't respond as I was busy with work. I saw the text and planned to respond eventually. By the time I got to it...she had texted more. I should have explained that better in my post. I do try not to respond immediately to her texts...but I eventually do if necessary.
Ugh.....I made a big typo when I wrote, " The H does need to say something that sounds as if he is agreeing". It should have been, "The H does not need to say something that sounds as if he is agreeing".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi....I wondered about that. Thanks for clarification.
New Question: I had reached out to a different relationship counselor based on a friends recommendation...one that deals specifically with infidelity. This site helped me realize that traditional MCing doesn't mean cr@p as long as the affair continues. So the counselor responded with:
" Thanks for reaching out! If she hasn't ended the affair, you can't begin to heal from it. It sounds like you both may be more suitable for Discernment Counseling. More information about that service can be found here..."
Anyone with experience in Discernment Counseling???
