What direction NOW? pt. 2

[Grace21]

. From what I've read about discernment counseling...the goal is to decide on 3 outcomes...

1. Stay married as is. (NO)
2. Move towards divorce. (MAYBE)
3 Or decide to do full-on couples therapy for six months to see if the marriage can be put into a good place, with a clear agenda for personal change and with divorce off the table during this time. (MAYBE)

Still looking for someone on here who has had experience with this...anyone??

After 6 months of MC, my H and I did "discernment counseling". It was useful in our situation. Although we didn't reach any of those 3 decisions, it got ME to a place where I decided H was so stuck in his indecision that I thought he should move out to figure it out. It was too depressing living like roommates/friends. I felt like he was dragging me down, and I didn't like the person I was beginning living like that. I was starting to GAL at that point, and he was stuck. At the beginning of MC, I was the pursuer, wanting to fix this we can do this person. MC went no where because of his inability to do anything constructive. He seemed paralyzed in his self loathing and indecision. So because H wasn't willing to go all in with MC, we decided to try discernment counseling. I was surprised I was the one to make the decision. But, then again. Maybe in retrospect I shouldn't be surprised, because H won't ever face the difficult decisions.

Well, here we are. Now I wonder if in spite of my "I don't want a divorce", whether as the months go on I'll be the one to suggest it. It's really exhausting mentally sometimes.

Good luck with your "discernment counseling".!! I hope it brings some clarify to your situation.

[DC421]

Thanks Grace....good insight. I'm waiting to hear back from the counselor to set up the first appt. I hope it helps me understand what I truly want.

As I laid awake in bed last night I kept thinking "what am i doing"? I've noticed myself simply not liking my W these days. Even when she says nice things and shows (fake) remorse I just don't have positive thoughts about her. I don't believe a single word she says. What is it about us on this forum that allows the WS time/space/patience? Are we just weak? Why do we allow them anything after they have committed the ultimate slap in the face to us? I'm so sick and tired of the constant thoughts, drama, and wondering "what's next".

If DB'ing truly works...then wouldn't the ultimate DB to say "I'm done. I wish you well in life/relationships as you have chosen. But I'm moving on and loving myself and finding someone who would never disrespect the person they (??) love the most." Prior to meeting my now W...I had a year of being completely single....and ya know what?
It as one of the best years of my adult life. GAL and working on myself would be so much easier if it was just me. I'm not scared of divorce, I'm not scared of being alone. Short term pain, long term gain!

That being said, I love her. I truly thought we met for the right reasons and that she was the one. But she is no longer the woman I married, in so many ways. She is NOT someone I would be drawn to in her current place. So why do we try to save something they didn't think enough of not to cheat/lie/disrespect and F up!

I'm running out of runway....

[burned]

If DB'ing truly works...then wouldn't the ultimate DB to say "I'm done. I wish you well in life/relationships as you have chosen. But I'm moving on and loving myself and finding someone who would never disrespect the person they (??) love the most."

Yup. "I respect myself too much to live with someone who doesn't want me. I respect you too much to keep you here against your wishes. Call me if you change your mind." Bad@ss. Confident, fair, accepting. That's why it works.

[DC421]

"I respect myself too much to live with someone who doesn't want me. I respect you too much to keep you here against your wishes. Call me if you change your mind." Bad@ss. Confident, fair, accepting. That's why it works.

I like that! Gonna file that away for what may be a sooner than later moment.

[DC421]

So the W went out with “the girls” last night and never came home. ((Shock!!)). What’s my response when she shows up with some story.

[LH19]

Well number 1 I hope you took the time to move her $hit out of the MB.

You see you're making appointments with counselors and she's staying out all night with "the girls". The person who cares the least is in charge of the relationship.

She now knows you will tolerate the affair and she's testing you. She will come home and give you a bs story and cry and you will eat it up.

What do you think you should say?

Its probably a good idea to make a consultation with a lawyer.

[DC421]

Yes...I moved her stuff out of the MBR last night. She hasn't slept in that MBR for most of past week. She's on her way home now...I'm at work. I'm sure I'll be hearing from her soon. I plan to use the suggestion of "we both know why I moved your stuff out of the MBR". I'm also going to ask her to stay elsewhere for the next 2 nights as no kids are at our home until Monday.

Also, I already consulted with my attorney a few weeks ago.

[joejoe1]

DC,

Her disrespect is high and she has no regards for your feelings. You need to get out of the house today. Please don't sit around in a house with her today. Try your hardest to not be mean but be detached. Start treating her like a cashier at Target/Targét. If you see her, say hi and bye. If she ask where you are going say, "I'm going to enjoy the day". Don't answer her calls and text. When you get back to the house or the next time you see her she will try to turn the tables on you. Saying things like, " I had important things to tell you, but you wouldn't answer your phone or text." Just ask what was it you needed to tell me?" See what she has to say. If she doesn't have anything to say she will follow up with, where did you go? You say, "I told you I went out to enjoy the day". Don't ask her a single question about where she was and who was she with.

You are doing good

[DC421]

She called as predicted. I think I did a decent job of sticking to the script. Was probably a bit angrier then I should have been. But I held up pretty well, I think

I stuck with “we both know why I moved your stuff out of bedroom”, “We both know that’s not true” and “I respect myself to much to confine in this status quo”. She cried, begged. Saying “what can I do...I’ll do anything “. I told her I need her to leave the house and stay elsewhere the rest of the weekend”. Asking for enough respect to allow me space.

She agreed and when she started begging again...I ended the call. Probably should have sooner...but it’s tough.

[SoTorn]

Glad you got her out of the MBR. I have been in the MBR alone since September 2018. However the room was still decorated like it was when WW was sleeping in there and her clothes were in her old dresser. I changed the comforter and sheets, changed out all of the pictures on the walls and got her clothes packed up and tossed them in our storage closet.

My WW is too far gone to care so I dont expect to hear anything.