Just not sure if I should be DBing or working on getting her emotional trust
There are many things you need to do in parallel. This is one of them.
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Find the words to describe what you are feeling. Is he receptive? Is he open to your experience even if he doesn’t agree with it? Does he make you feel better when you are upset or does he judge you and make you feel worse about your emotional self?
How would your W answer these questions? Do you want her to answer them differently?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
That makes sense Ready. I've been doing this all wrong. On a bright note we held each other in embrace as we slept last night and she kissed me and told she me loved me when she left for work this morning. I did not reply to that. I think I'm going to join a gym today. I'm not in terrible shape but ive got to get out of this house.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Pump your brakes and don't get too excited. It seems like a good thing on the surface, but don't get fooled into seeing things that aren't there. Eyes wide open.
I mean, for sure be pleasant, respectful, and all of that. Just don't think anything is FIXED right now. You still have a lot of work to do.
You should absolutely start working out. Highly recommended.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Hi Scott. It would really help give us a better overview of your MR, if you would give us a little history about it.
If you have abandonment issues, that may cause you to want to cling to her tighter. Fear can cause us to do things we would not ordinarily do. Maybe it is causing you to pursue her more. Sometimes, men are surprised to learn how certain things are considered pursuing.
Detaching is probably one the toughest methods to fully understand, and how to practice it correctly. Just the word, "detach", doesn't sound like something you want to do when you fear your spouse may be thinking of leaving. Detaching is not acting as if you are mad, cold, or pouting. I will try to copy and paste a short description of detaching that I really like.
I think it would be difficult to go NC while living under the same roof, and sharing children. Until you can tell us more that describes your W.....and describes you, too.....I don't recommend NC. That doesn't mean you should pursue her with phone calls, texts, etc. If she contacts you, then respond to her. Do this until we can determine what is going on with her.
It sounds as if she may feel a bit smothered in the MR. If this is a problem, then you will need to ease up on your neediness and clinging to her. I realize you want reassurance from her, but she has asked for space.......which means, she can't breathe b/c it feels as if your presence is suking all the air from her. Even if you aren't in the same room with her, if you are contacting her by phone......it has a lot of the same affect on her. This feels like emotional pressure to her.
Scott, it is very important that you don't apply emotional pressure to her. Whenever you pursue her, it is placing more emotional pressure on her.....and hurting your chances to a greater degree. I'm going to take a wild guess that you are pursuing her in the bedroom. If this is the case, then please wait and let her initiate any romantic moves. I may be completely off base, but I sense that you connect physical affection/making love and having her sleeping in the bed with you as the main indicator everything is well in the MR. If so, then I tend to agree.......in most circumstances. However, if the H is always pursuing or initiating.......things may not be as well as he thought. Nothing could be truer than when a spouse asks for space and time.
Anyway, I hope you can share more with us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Definitely struggling with abandonment issues. I dont feel everything is right in the MR however I do feel that us sleeping together nightly and having sex is a good indicator. I refuse to initiate sex for now. Neediness and cliniginess are my main enemies it feels. We don't share children she has two from previous marriage. Should I work on building more concrete relationships with the kids? Her main compliant is my neediness. I realize I pursue far too much and have difficulty fighting the urge to just let go. Everything between us used to be so natural. I feel her IC is a major contributor to the limbo we are in and I'm sure her family is encouraging her to dump me even though they all live 400 miles away.
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/03/1905:09 PM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
If this is the case, then please wait and let her initiate any romantic moves. I may be completely off base, but I sense that you connect physical affection/making love and having her sleeping in the bed with you as the main indicator everything is well in the MR. If so, then I tend to agree.......in most circumstances. However, if the H is always pursuing or initiating.......things may not be as well as he thought.
It is important not to chase the cat. If you chase a cat, it will run away. You wait for the cat to come to you. Be catnip.
I dont feel everything is right in the MR however I do feel that us sleeping together nightly and having sex is a good indicator.
I wanted to ask previously, and didn't, so I'll ask now. Do you normally try to initiate sex every night, or most every night?
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We don't share children she has two from previous marriage. Should I work on building more concrete relationships with the kids?
The first thing I wonder is why weren't you already working on having a great relationship with them? Has your relationship with her kids been an issue in this MR? These are the type of things we need you to tell us. For instance, is there a problem with you and the kids' father, or did they resent you M their mom? See what I mean? They are teenagers, so if you suddenly start trying to get buddy-buddy with them in an effort to win them over just to get the W back, they may see your real intentions behind it........and so may your W. You also made the following remark, that hints of problems with most everyone on the other side.
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I'm sure the kids are telling members of thier family as well as her ex husband.
Yep! Kind of recognize the language.
quote]I'm sure her family is encouraging her to dump me even though they all live 400 miles away. [/quote]
Obviously, you believe they must have some influence on her decisions. Were they in favor of her M to you? She M you, whatever they thought. Have you had problems with the kids' father? Do they spend 50% of their time with their dad?
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It's so embarrassing to even be at home right now for me.
Why Scott? Are you unemployed, or have no other place to stay? You said you felt like a prisoner. What did you mean?
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Her main compliant is my neediness. I realize I pursue far too much and have difficulty fighting the urge to just let go.
Then that sounds like the place you need to start. What were you like before you M her? What drew her to you? How long had she been D from her H before you M her? What do you mean by "fighting the urge to just let go"?
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Needy is probably right. I'm trying to kick that bad habit
It doesn't sound like a habit. It sounds like a condition or a psychological issue. I'm not suggesting it is your fault, but you do need to address the source with an IC, and figure out how to change. Most healthy women are not attracted to a "needy" man. They are attracted to men who are self confident. She wants a man who is emotionally stronger than she is. Maybe you know why you are this way, and if so then you need to be proactive in changing the behavior. A needy, clingy man appears like a weak man......and it signals the natural instincts of that woman that she won't be safe with him, b/c he's too weak. I don't mean you would hurt her, but she would always feel that she must be the one who has to be the stronger spouse. It is a woman's biological nature to want a mate who is emotionally strong, b/c the female is emotionally the weaker of the sexes............or, at least she used to be. (I like to think it's b/c women are much more complex than men. ).
I hope you'll stick with us, Scott. Don't give up on the M, and don't give up on Scott.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
As far as initiating sex its 60/40 s. I'm not unemployed I have a meaningful career They spend limited time with father. Prisoner meaning why is it so damn hard to just get up and GAL? I do see an IC we discuss abaonsoment issues, martial issues,etc. Yeah the kids father talks really bad about me but I dont entertain it. She hates her ex she was divorced 5 years before marrying me . When I mentioned letting go I mean seeing it for what it is. This is not the same woman just like I'm not the same man.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
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