Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

I don't want you waking up tomorrow and thinking that this entire day was a waste, or negative, or backsliding. It wasn't. It was ONE moment of your day.

Thank you, Yail. This is a good perspective for me, that despite how I feel at this moment I have still made progress. I just hate how bad the bads still feel. I'm okay with feeling bad even twice as often if it just didn't feel THIS bad.

You're making assumptions based on how you feel in this moment. You have no idea what the next few years will look like and I don't want this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It will be hard, but you are not doomed to wallow is sadness forever.

Thank you again, Yail.

I had a big cry. I ended up not having the energy for the bath ritual so I just brushed my teeth and washed my face, while crying of course. Still amazed at how huge my tears are these days. Never had tears like this in my life before this.

Then I noticed my adorable dog laying on the bed had a little piece of grass in her eye, because she's a silly goose and has to roll around outside sometimes. She's also really cool in that she knows when you're trying to help her or investigate something and she will stay pretty still...and then once you're done she gets really excited like she's thanking you for taking care of her.

So that made me happy, and I just have to really try not to think of her in the context of H, since me and H got her together and sometimes it still makes me sad that we're not ALL together. We were a family. I try to take moments like that and reframe it as me and the dog's new life, where I try to be better for her, too.

[TJT]

DV & Joe - I just don't know why things like this have to be in trickles. I think I'd be better off if he told me he was having an A, left, and filed for D all in the same day than how it's been happening.

First he just doesn't want to be with me for his BS reasons. Then he doesn't tell anyone (i.e. his son, parents) even though he's adamant with me that it's what he wants. Then I find A. Then I have to kick him out because he's not really doing the work to find a place on his own. Then he has OW move in. All the while he still doesn't file for D.

As long as I am choosing to stand, it seems I am choosing to put myself through this long process of grief as he slowly moves along trying to make his life work, vs. me choosing I just don't want him where then I would be able to take all the action.

DV, I have been avoiding SM up to this point but I didn't really consider Pinterest to be that much of SM. I was using it as my own form of inspiration and distraction and the notification about my H just happened to pop up today. To my knowledge before today, he hadn't used it in almost 6 months.

It's also somewhat difficult that I CAN'T use SM for my own purposes, because that's how I share a lot of things with friends and distant family. There are people I have definitely just started to engage with directly through texting and stuff, but there are some people I'm not really on "that" level with, but that would be nice to still share and get recognition from when I'm doing things in my life. I've considered picking back up using SM for whatever I personally want it to, without H involved, but I'm just not sure what the negatives might be to that so a little scared.

I did also consider that it's only been a few months. I just watched something that said limerance typically lasts between 18 mos - 3 years so yeah, I know it could be a loooot longer that I'm standing here, if I choose to. But 1-3 years of constantly getting stabbed in the heart? I MIGHT have 1 in me, depending how that goes.

I know I know, detach so none of it matters. I'm pretty pessimistic about my actual ability to do that though. I think if I am forced to (like we actually D and/or H goes public with OW and there's no more of this limbo going on) I would be able to lovingly detach.

In the meantime, I feel like the process of detaching can only progress if I'm actually committed to not wanting to have a life with H. Even though I know you can still have feelings for your spouse or be open to recon even after detaching, for me it seems like it would have to be a point of no return to detach to the point where he's not affecting me anymore. Because I don't know how else to detach other than convincing myself I really don't want him anymore.

I don't know, it's late again and I don't feel like I'm thinking clearly anymore. Maybe the holiday break was bad for me and I just need to get back to the monotony of the daily grind. I'll try to take some time and report back later.

[Bo562]

Sorry, I'm definitely spiraling right now. These initial posts getting this out have helped a little but I'm gonna go take a stress bath now. Man I just want this to be over SO BAD. I don't want to cry anymore or feel like a POS because some actual POS left me.

Don’t apologize for how you feel—it’s what it is, but don’t wallow in it or stay there (admittedly, this one is very hard for me, too).

And it will get better—eventually, though I can’t say when unfortunately. Every day it will hurt a little bit less, until it doesn’t hurt you anymore.

What helps with that? GAL! Do your best to GAL (me too!)

You’re not a POS—like I said in an earlier post, turn yourself into the woman your H wishes he could come crawling back to. It sounds like you’re already off to a good start and have a lot of the raw material in that department—just finish the job.

[DejaVu6]

Maybe just turn your notifications off so things like that just don’t appear out of the blue?

I don’t know if the goal is to detach so that he is not affecting you at all. I think the goal is to detach so his actions don’t affect you to the point that it throws you into a totally different mood or mindset. I’m not sure I will ever get to a point where I am not affected at all by what my H does. But I do think I will get to a point where it will just be a blip in my day that I get over quickly. The good news in your sitch, and you may not feel this way now but maybe later, is that because you don’t have kids, you only know what he is doing if you go out of your way to find out. My kids want to tell me things about their dad. I don’t discourage them because I don’t want them to feel like they have to keep secrets or think about what they say to me. Most of the things they talk about are pretty benign but every once in awhile, they will make a comment that really stings. I don’t show it though and it is a lot easier to do that these days than it was a month or two ago. My advice to you... do not go out of your way to find out what your H is doing or make up scenarios in your mind. The times I have allowed my thoughts to go down that path have been incredibly painful and unproductive. It is a cheeseless tunnel.

Also...don’t think of it as being committed to wanting a life without your H. I’m not thinking of it in those terms. I am thinking of it as being committed to having a life...full stop. Whether or not that life includes a significant other, my H or someone else, remains to be seen. For now I just want a life with me and my kids and the people who want to be around me.

And you don’t want him anymore TJT... at least not this version of him. That’s a no brainer. That person is a cheater and a liar and is not worthy of you. Harsh, I know, but it’s the truth. Take the focus off of him and put it back onto you. You deserve much, much better. (((HUGS)))

[Joe2017]

I unfriended TF out of my XW.

Literally the only way I knew about her SM was through friends who gave me updates. Like how she went FB official with OM before the D was final. How she was in "family photos" with OM and his kids immediately. How she got engaged. And unengaged, and engaged and unengaged. Blah blah.

I never once went to look for myself. It took a lot of determination, but I did it. I can 100% say I never went to her SM except during the first week after BD. Trust me, you don't want to. It has the potential to really get in your head.

Block him if you have to. But do not go prowling their SM.

Also, it's interesting to note that my XW never stopped looking at my SM. I'd do something and post it to SM and get a scathing text from XW about the post the next day. Later she told me she would look at my SM all the time, even when she was with OM. She always wanted to see what I was doing. I'm glad to say that I became extremely detached and never had the need to engage in that behavior.

Detachment is HARD but necessary for your survival.

[Phoenix9]

T,

I noticed that you joined the board the same time I did. If it makes you feel better, the feelings you are having right now are parallel to what mine are - still grieving, still not detached, but worked on and improved ourselves and continuing to do so. We still have hope for some kind of R, but the hope dwindles just a bit more every day. I'm sure if we ask those who have gone through this process, they would say that our feelings at this point of the process was normal.

We just need to keep going, T. We really don't have any other choice.

[TJT]

Don’t apologize for how you feel—it’s what it is, but don’t wallow in it or stay there (admittedly, this one is very hard for me, too).

You’re not a POS—like I said in an earlier post, turn yourself into the woman your H wishes he could come crawling back to. It sounds like you’re already off to a good start and have a lot of the raw material in that department—just finish the job.

Thank you for the validation / empathy Bo. I already felt like I was AWOAFWL, and that he is being a fool right now! Again not that there's nothing for me to improve, just doesn't feel like it will change anything in that regard. I think I mostly need to work on accepting if my H is just going to continue to be a fool.

I don’t know if the goal is to detach so that he is not affecting you at all. I think the goal is to detach so his actions don’t affect you to the point that it throws you into a totally different mood or mindset. I’m not sure I will ever get to a point where I am not affected at all by what my H does. But I do think I will get to a point where it will just be a blip in my day that I get over quickly.

I will say that after last night, I am better this morning. It did seem to pass a little more quickly even though it felt pretty bad last night. I hate knowing that it could come back at any minute but maybe the more I pass through it quickly, the more confidence I will get that I'll be okay.

The good news in your sitch, and you may not feel this way now but maybe later, is that because you don’t have kids, you only know what he is doing if you go out of your way to find out.

You are very right about this and it's SO hard for me to logically balance the pros/cons of not knowing what he's doing. Sometimes I feel like I need and deserve to know since we're still legally married. Or that maybe if I find out X thing it will help drive me toward a decision, one way or another. But I guess the point here is I need to forget about what he's doing, no matter what it is or what it might mean, and only react to what he actually does intentionally toward me (if anything). Is that accurate?

I am thinking of it as being committed to having a life...full stop.

This is good. Thank you. (((HUGS)))

How she got engaged. And unengaged, and engaged and unengaged.

Wait, your M got engaged while still M?! That's another level of delusional but I totally believe it. Ridiculous.

I never once went to look for myself. It took a lot of determination, but I did it. I can 100% say I never went to her SM except during the first week after BD. Trust me, you don't want to. It has the potential to really get in your head.

Also, it's interesting to note that my XW never stopped looking at my SM. I'd do something and post it to SM and get a scathing text from XW about the post the next day. Later she told me she would look at my SM all the time, even when she was with OM.

I was honestly arguing with myself just before lunch about this. I wanted to go back and check what they're both pinning now since this is a new thing. I cannot let myself do it!! I agree, my survival or at LEAST my progress depends on it!!

I do know earlier in the sitch my H was still looking at a story I posted. I haven't posted anything in a really long time so I'm not sure if he would still do that, or if he's checking my profiles that I don't know about (vs. on stories where you can see who views it).

If it makes you feel better, the feelings you are having right now are parallel to what mine are - still grieving, still not detached, but worked on and improved ourselves and continuing to do so.

We just need to keep going, T. We really don't have any other choice.

It does make me feel better... I am glad I am not just totally failing at this and that others have had the same experience. Thank you (ALL) for the encouragement.

As I mentioned up above I do feel better more quickly this morning. As predicted, work has helped take my mind off of things too. H also sent me the money for this month already today, so that helped me balance too (no idea why, I guess just because in a weird way I know I am present in his mind, one way or another).

I do have a question - when I get the notification that he's sent me his money, is it okay/should I text him to confirm? Something like "I got the money, thanks for sending it." ?? He technically does owe it to me but I just don't know if it's worth me trying to make it a cordial exchange, or if I should just keep NC unless I have any other questions or something else I need from him?

Gotta figure out how we're gonna do taxes too this year... I would just do married filing separately, but since we did put our collective money down for the house, I wonder if he's going to want half of the return.. or even if it would simply be better for BOTH of us/if we'd each get more to file jointly and split whatever that is. OR if, since I'm getting "stuck" with the house, I should try to tell him too bad so sad, file separately and I'm going to deduct the all the house stuff? I don't know what makes most sense here/would be most "fair" without causing conflict. Will have to do some research.

[Joe2017]

T! Lol, no she got engaged after our D was final.

One thing I DID use social media for was to indirectly communicate with my WW a couple times. For instance, one of the things I was promised in our D was the toaster oven. I really liked it. Well, she KEPT it!!!! Now, I know how this game works... 1) she was being a jerk 2) it gave her an excuse to contact me later for a temp check. As predicted she messaged me one day out of the blue and said she had my toaster oven and she wanted to get it to me.

At this point I was 100% NC. I didn't even want to reply "NO!" to her. I did not reply. Instead, I bought the most expensive toaster oven I could find and made a great post about cooking an awesome breakfast with my new toaster oven. Lulz. I would find out later that my message was delivered loud and clear.

Ask your L about taxes. We agreed to simply split the refund 50/50. She tried to say she deserved more because XYZ, blah blah. But did agree to get halfsies eventually.

As far as notifying him about the money, I say no. Just use it for what it is intended for and keep a record of it all in a spreadsheet. If he asks about it, simply respond "Yes, I received it."

I can feel that you want to pursue sooooooooooooooooooo bad. Please resist the temptation. I only leads to suffering.

[TJT]

Haha! Oh ok! Phew (I guess?) lol

I love your stories. I'm sure they totally weren't funny at the time but I do find them kind of humorous now. Helps me make light of some of my sitch in some small ways.

I don't have an L since we've agreed on everything and have planned to do things "pro se". However I do have a few that I've called on the fly for some basic advice. If there will be a good chunk coming back as a result of the house, I think 50/50 on a joint filing will be best as well. He wont have rights to it in the future but half of what we spent to get into it was his, too. So, I'm good with that.

Yes, I do want to pursue really bad BUT that's one thing I've also been really good about not doing at all costs. Sometimes there are gray areas for me where it's hard to determine if an opportunity to respond nicely would be seen as pursuing or if it would be good for my H to see a positive interaction with me (I read somewhere else on here that you're supposed to treat it like an cordial exchange at a store or something?) Anyway, that's why I ask though, because if something really IS pursuing, I know 100% not to do it, and will not do it.

Part of my second-guessing also has to do with the fact that before H fully moved out, I started getting shorter with him in my texts. He then complained how unpleasant our interactions were (although he could never give me specifics about what would make it less unpleasant, aside from wanting "better communication" - ironic). So I adjusted to try to be more engaging. Then HE started to pull back more, and when I asked him about that he said he was confused why I was texting him more again. (Clearly a dance going on here, and like I said this was way early on in my DBing but probably still at a point where things were too far gone to do anything but LRT).

So, sometimes in my head I can just envision him saying, "Well you never texted me or reached out so I thought you were done with me," and that scares me and makes me want to give reassurances, or not even that but just you know... something that will make me the lighthouse kind of thing. But then I remind myself that if he says that, it's just another excuse because if he really is interested in trying to work things out, he'll reach out and check.

[SoTorn]

I am in that same boat where I get confused on whether to just flow with the nice. My WW gets very comfortable and will start acting like nothing is wrong, like everything is just ok besides the fact that she is still having an A, has zero remorse and wants a D.

WW starts the temp checks, "you never talk to me", "You say you dont want me" "you never help me" "you keep ignoring me".

Those are just temp checks. You need to do LRT. I am doing LRT I guess, without me filing for D I guess its not really LRT. Early on in my sitch I would get drawn in by the temp checks even though I knew what they were and she would pull back hard, to the point of full rejection to any of my pursuit. Therefore, I have learned that the only thing that is working for me now is minimal to no contact.

My WW was just with me in the kitchen right now. I was making a protein shake and she went to make some tea. WW was standing right next to me and as I was washing my mixer I could see her staring at me. WW literally just standing next to me about a foot away staring at me while I am not looking at her.

As soon as I was done she looked away and kept doing what she was doing. I said absolutely nothing to her. I did say hi to her when she came in because as you would with any other person on the planet, you would greet them when you see them.

WS are strange as it gets. WW will get up and say "good morning" to me when she sees me in the morning. I don't know if that is just habit or what. Ever since I told her yesterday that I was not her friend, after she went full out temp check complaining that I wasnt helping her, she has been quiet and staying upstairs again.

I find it best to just keep it at no contact if at all possible. If they want to talk about the kids, sure we can respond, if they want to talk about logistics and finances, sure we will respond, but why put ourselves through trying to communicate with someone who is actively betraying us?

I am not for applying one of the five love languages while I am not a couple with my WW.