another day, another thread, another burned

[Joe2017]

I suggest that you give yourself at LEAST one month of being divorced for every year you were together before trying to date someone seriously.

[burned]

So that would be a year from now. Like heck. Tired of living my life like this. Gave that woman 11 years, then 9 months of this limbo garbage. Not gonna sit around getting older all alone just for the 5% chance she pulls her head out of her butt before friggin’ 2020.

[Wanted1]

So that would be a year from now. Like heck. Tired of living my life like this. Gave that woman 11 years, then 9 months of this limbo garbage. Not gonna sit around getting older all alone just for the 5% chance she pulls her head out of her butt before friggin’ 2020.

I’m with you, man. You can go slow and be upfront and honest with who ever it is. IMO, just because you dip your toe in the dating scene doesn’t mean you are going to be getting engaged 4 months from now. You don’t need to find a W replacement immediately. For me, it would be more or less having that fun loving experience of hanging out with someone who is actually interested in me. I feel like it would help with moving on, building confidence, etc. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just don’t like the prospect of feeling like I should have to wait a year to start the process of going out with another woman.

[Ready2Change]

I would go to the candy store and try at least 10 different types of candy before you decide that chocolate is the only type of candy you want to eat.

I started trying different types of candy after the D paperwork was signed.

[SoTorn]

If my WW filed for D and I waited a month for every year that would be 21 months. No way in hell I am waiting until after I turn 40 to date lol.

I am actually starting to put myself back into the social pool now. I want to see what women think of me. So far I have had a lot of interest and that makes me feel great. It tells me that I am absolutely not stuck in limbo if I dont want to be.

That being said, no, I absolutely do not wish to get into a romantic relationship anytime soon. But yes, if WW files for D I am going to sure as hell enjoy some casual sex and dating.

[TJT]

So that would be a year from now. Like heck. Tired of living my life like this. Gave that woman 11 years, then 9 months of this limbo garbage. Not gonna sit around getting older all alone just for the 5% chance she pulls her head out of her butt before friggin’ 2020.

So first, I empathize with what you're feeling and often feel the same way that it would be amazing if prince charming came and burned swept me off my feet (see what I did there?!)

But second, listen to what these folks are saying. I know 100% that if I started an actual romantic relationship with someone, it would probable be a mess. That doesn't mean you can't start making friends with other women, as long as you know that you're literally just limiting it to friendships right now and enjoying the company. And maybe later on, after there is more time to get to know each other and for you to send some of the baggage packing, one of them may turn into something more.

In fact, when I first started seeing my H I was just coming off of a breakup. He wanted to pursue me super hard seeing that opportunity, but it took me legitimately six months before I felt like I was ready (had been with the prior guy for 2 or so years). We both acknowledged it was tough for him too during that time, seeing me still struggle with the sadness of someone else while I was spending time with him, but I guess at least back then he saw my value and was willing to persist. In the end I really appreciated that.. of course now I wonder if the fact that he was pursuing me so closely to a breakup with someone else was a red flag, but I don't feel like that's TOO strange for a guy to do, haha. Just not always smart, IF the woman dives in head first to it anyway. Like, oh, I dunno, him and OW. #justsaying. Basically don't be "that" person!

At any rate, take some breaths. You have an edge in your last few posts and I can tell you're angry and angsty. It's okay. You have every right to be. But take the time to get to a point where there's been enough space that she won't come creeping in right away when you do start to see other people. To be honest, as a woman if I met you and you told me you were in the middle of D, I'd appreciate the honesty but also kinda feel like it would be a risk to get involved with. And even meeting someone who is only a few months D'ed would still be iffy to me, because I wouldn't know if they are emotionally still with their former spouse.

Heck, that's initially a reason I started to want to file myself, too, because I don't want to be that woman who may meet a guy but then "miss out" on the opportunity, because even though I've been separated for however long, I'm still married. No matter what the context/story is, I can see how someone else would be wary of it. And I thought that if I got the D finalized, it would assist me in actually moving on. But honestly, I know it doesn't really work that way. Even if we are D, we can still decide to stand, in which case starting a new relationship is probably not the best.

Let me translate my response into simpler terms:
- If you truly think you are ready to move on, you at least definitely need to be D first, but also likely need some time in between to let things settle and get good with yourself before you can be fully present in another relationship.
- If you are D but still have the fight in you to stand and see if she comes back, then the fact that you are D doesn't matter until you make that decision to stop standing and truly get over the whole thing.

Every situation IS different of course, and I can see how those of us who have been in limbo so long may be able to hit a certain point where we're actually over it and done and then we D and it's a closed case all around, because of how long we've been detaching. But that's why I'm saying start with friendships first. You will know if that ends up being the case for you but I get the sense you're just wanting to jump forward to assist with moving on, not the other way around.

Yes it's been a long road for you, burned. But can you honestly say you are over her at this point?

[TJT]

To add on to what R2C and ST added while I was typing my long response, and to clarify my own thinking:

I am actually starting to put myself back into the social pool now. I want to see what women think of me. So far I have had a lot of interest and that makes me feel great.

That being said, no, I absolutely do not wish to get into a romantic relationship anytime soon.

^^^ I think this here is the key.

But yes, if WW files for D I am going to sure as hell enjoy some casual sex and dating.

I would go to the candy store and try at least 10 different types of candy before you decide that chocolate is the only type of candy you want to eat.

^^^ I think these things here are risky. Just because casual sex in general is risky, but also because you don't want to be masking other real feelings with this behavior. That is why they say to wait before BOTH having sex with new people and starting relationships. You don't want a band-aid here.

[Bo562]

That is why they say to wait before BOTH having sex with new people and starting relationships. You don't want a band-aid here.

I’m gonna agree here.

I’m sure you don’t want to be someone else’s Plan B, so why make someone else your Plan B if you’re heart’s not there?

[TJT]

Yeah, and also, the thought of STDs/STIs should terrify us all. Add it to the list of reasons I'm POed at my H that he decided to have sex with OW while he was still having sex with me (nice, right).

Aside from the emotional preposterousness of someone being able to do that (I still don't understand how he could even function with me knowing that in his mind, but again: alien) it totally didn't matter to him that he has no idea where she's been or if she's trustworthy (which her XBF confirms she's not).

I can also attest to experience my mother has had; she was regularly testing positive for irregular cells but later found out her H was sleeping around, and to make a really long story short, once that stopped, she stopped getting abnormal results.

So it doesn't even have to be something crazy to cause issues. Sorry to get all practical about this, and I don't mean to be like the girl in a bubble, but for real.... just keep safety and both physical and mental health in mind, too!

[Bo562]

Sorry to get all practical about this, and I don't mean to be like the girl in a bubble, but for real.... just keep safety and both physical and mental health in mind, too!

I’ll be the guy in the bubble, then, too. W and I both waited until marriage (and I tend to be rather old-fashioned about this kinda stuff, especially for a guy), and this is a topic I frequently talk about with my students in class.

I do bring up the threats of STDs / STIs and pregnancy not necessarily as ‘scare tactics,’ but because the possibilities are VERY REAL.

But for a mental health standpoint, too—you don’t want to get attached emotionally. I tell my students that ‘sex has consequences—sometimes physical, but usually emotional (although you could say that the two are linked because of the release of oxytocin but whatever).