Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 3)

[Bo562]

Yeah I get that. I think we all spend a lot of time doing that early on. The problem is once your W goes WAS then so does rational behavior. There is really no predicting what she will say, or even if the talk will happen at all. Like I said before I've seen this happen many times where the LBS is counting down the days and then will pop in the day after only to say the WAS never mentioned it and acted like they didn't know anything about a "big talk".....

....I mean that's what you are up against with a WAS, they may say evil, hateful, horrible, confusing things and then just a few months later not even remember it! Or if they do remember, it seems foreign to them, like they have no idea why they said or did those things. That's the power of the WAS fog. BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY.....

.....Her mind is like a violent storm thrashing about. When she opens her mouth it's like detritus is getting ejected from the storm. You can't make sense of it because there's nothing to make sense out of. Try and grasp that, it is a key point of DB'ing because the sooner you understand it then the easier it is for you to let go, STFU, and focus on just listening and validating.

Oh I’m sure ‘the talk’ will happen.....but who knows what the outcome will be, so why should I even try to predict it? I’ll just make myself miserable, emotionally sick, and not present to her.

I can see what everyone means with the whole ‘BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY’ paradigm. Not only could they be lying, they also have no idea what they really want and can’t think straight, so I shouldn’t take what they say at face value.

Admittedly, this is difficult for me overall, but especially difficult in light of the last year or so. I’m just supposed to basically pretend like she’s said nothing.....although her words should have consequences. It is like she doesn’t even remember...or care...I can see how this would seem like it’s a bad dream—not only for me, but also for her.

And that’s been what’s so hard to process, because I have those words rattling around in my head...her talking about not being sure if she still even wants to be married to me, the possibility of a break or an S......and then she talks about what we should do to the place for the kids, looking into seasonal passes for Disneyland, and all sorts of other stuff. Last night, she said to YS “you have everything you need here....Mommy, Daddy, big brother....”

But you’re right....I just need to let go, STFU, listen and validating (and also stand up for myself and our marriage).

[AnotherStander]

And that’s been what’s so hard to process, because I have those words rattling around in my head...her talking about not being sure if she still even wants to be married to me, the possibility of a break or an S......and then she talks about what we should do to the place for the kids, looking into seasonal passes for Disneyland, and all sorts of other stuff.

Right, well that's what they do is throw crumbs out there to get your hopes up. Now and then you'll even see your old W shining through and you'll think "she really is still in there somewhere!" Those are the times when it is very tempting to temp check but when you do you just get the BD talk all over again. She's dead-set on her course even though you may see hints now and then that she isn't.

Last night, she said to YS “you have everything you need here....Mommy, Daddy, big brother....”

Part of the WAS fantasy is that the kids will be unaffected, or may even emerge BETTER OFF than before. So yeah they will say stuff like that as if you are still one big happy family. Of course that's not the case at all, but you can't communicate that to her right now.

If the talk happens just remember she will probably speak in absolutes. I was never happy, it was never meant to be, this is the best for everyone, it would never work, etc. etc. That's what they do. When you hear it just think in your head "script" because that's what it is.

[Bo562]

Right, well that's what they do is throw crumbs out there to get your hopes up. Now and then you'll even see your old W shining through and you'll think "she really is still in there somewhere!" Those are the times when it is very tempting to temp check but when you do you just get the BD talk all over again. She's dead-set on her course even though you may see hints now and then that she isn't.

That’s the thing.....within the last week or two I’ve seen glimpses of the W that I married / fell in love with. And it’s the stuff that makes me think she’s still in there somewhere.

But no way in h*** have I temp-checked—I’m trying to stay the course with DBing as best as I can, just giving her the space as best as I can. SHE’S THE ONE who is initiating tonight’s convo—she’s temp-checking for some reason. Who knows why, though.

Part of the WAS fantasy is that the kids will be unaffected, or may even emerge BETTER OFF than before. So yeah they will say stuff like that as if you are still one big happy family. Of course that's not the case at all, but you can't communicate that to her right now.

If the talk happens just remember she will probably speak in absolutes. I was never happy, it was never meant to be, this is the best for everyone, it would never work, etc. etc. That's what they do. When you hear it just think in your head "script" because that's what it is.

It’s astonishing how on-script most of these sitchs are—almost like it’s a disease with a trackable progression.

W said this at the dinner table last night when we were all there. I’ve said nothing to her about any of this—I also believe that if she wants S / D, it will really F things up, even though I know her parents D’ed when she was about OS’ age. I mean, look how fine she turned out—of course, they’ll be okay, too [/sarcasm].

What I’m fairly certain of is that this talk will happen—the content and outcome? No freaking clue. I know that is she does decide to BD, inside I’ll thank her for the chance to find someone else with whom I can build something amazing with, in time.

[Bo562]

So a couple of hours until our 'meeting / talk.'

Nervous!

If you're the praying type, send prayers or karma or good thoughts!

[Twofeet]

Saying a prayer. Be strong. If you know the boss is calling you in to fire you, take it in stride. Lots of vets here have been giving you good advice.

[DejaVu6]

Good luck Bo. I hope it goes well.

[Bo562]

Thanks TF and DV

Just not sure if this is the boss calling me in to fire me--not really sure what this is

[Bo562]

Well F

Totally got fired tonight

Details to follow later, but thank you for prayers so far

[Twofeet]

I'm really sorry to hear that Bo. I'm no pro, but I hope I can help or at least lend my support.

[Wanted1]

That [censored], man. I’ve been following your thread for awhile. Just know you aren’t alone. We are all fighting this same god forsaken thing. That has given me some comfort. Look forward to hearing more. Stay strong!