another day, another thread, another burned

[Ready2Change]

I thought I liked chocolate, but I found a different candy that I preferred.

My candy is brutally honest. I watched her struggle to tell her X a tiny white lie. Old me would have not even considered this type of candy because she smokes. I was open to trying something new and different.



"Be attractive to many woman. Choose one"

[Vapo]

Trying to hook up with other people while you are still collecting pieces of yourself off the floor is a very bad idea. I know it sounds appealing, but it is WRONG. You cannot attract quality people in your life when you are in the state you are in. Broken attracts broken.

As for casual sex thingy. Really? You'd mess with women so you could bed them? What, like go on revenge binge? Bed 'em al, married or not, just jump at any one showing a slight hint of interest?

You guys are REALLY broken... And you do not even realize it.

[burned]

Well. Thank you for all the responses to my late-night pity party. It's interesting to see the sort of 50/50 split. I agree with most of what everyone has said. I'm not ready. I'm not defeated, but I am broken. It wouldn't be fair of me to drag anyone along with me. I just get a little pissy sometimes thinking (if it's true that the A is ongoing) that it stinks that she gets to be having a relationship and sex and someone to sleep next to, and I'm here just suffering alone. It's existential angst in the worst way. (Note: bad idea to look at pictures of her, not sure why I did that.)

I guess part of me just wants to feel wanted again. It has been more than a year since anyone "really" loved me. Sometimes I wonder if any time W said ILY, after the A began, was real. I'm rewriting my own history, too.

So I'm back to the bottom again. Any mention of D sends me careening. One minute I'm loving and forgiving. The next minute I'm panicking and trying to end the pain. I'm stuck in the pain because the pain comes from the things that end the pain. Does that make any sense at all? And I'm angry at myself for letting it all happen.

Another sleepless night and I got to ruminate about all the things I did wrong. I know I'm only responsible for 50% of what went wrong but my 50% is BAD. Like, fundamentally disrespectful toward women. Not appreciative of her individuality. Taking her for granted. Keeping her in a subservient position relative to me. Not realizing her worth as a wonderful person. Expecting everything and giving almost nothing. OK, these are extreme ways of phrasing it, but the issues are there. People on "my side" will say she's shifting blame and projecting guilt but there's a ton of truth to what she's saying, and nobody would know it except me because it's stuff that happened in the privacy of our relationship. You don't pick up on stuff like that when you're at a restaurant talking about politics.

And yeah, there was a lot of good, too. But it seems like a lot of the time I was trying to cover up the bad using charm and gifts. Red flag when you feel like you're being abused.

Hence what I said last night. There are moments of clarity when the denial subsides (when I realize that despite everything I'm still in denial most of the time) and things seem so REAL. She stopped loving me, "cheated" on me which is just a fancy way of saying "kept me around for the money while she started a relationship with her new boyfriend." Strung me along even after I found out about it. And I let her. I'm weak, dependent, emotionally abusive, selfish, blah blah blah. So she was right when she said "it's too late and I don't think you'll be able to change." Those are things that will be REALLY hard to change.

I'd like to prove her wrong. I'd like to make the changes and see them stick. But she's so far out the door. It's equally plausible that the A ended and she became a WAW rather than a WW and I probably blew it by going NC and acting like this was mostly her damage. It's entirely possible that the abrupt and definite change of tone that happened in early August right as I was starting to participate here, was just her decision to be done, rather than something related to the A. Maybe she was telling the truth when she said the A is over.

Welp. That's that. I own my side of it but my side is ugly. Super ugly.

Is there any truth to the notion that this is all a phase, a "strange 3-year break"? That maybe once I'm really out of her life for a long time she will stop thinking so much about the bad times, and maybe remember the good times, and check to see if I've gotten any better? More likely she will move on. You don't go back to a guy like the guy I was. Just too much damage to be worth considering.

Thank goodness I'm back at work today so I have a distraction from this agony.

[Joe2017]

You need to see an IC if you can get in to see one. You have a lot of personal things you need to work on so you can improve your personal health and well being. Being "fundamentally disrespectful towards women" is something that needs to be addressed, big time.

And no, despite how you feel and what others are telling you going out and smashing as many chicks as possible is a terrible idea right now. Unless your goal is to be a dick.

[burned]

I hear you. I know. That is definitely not my plan. If I meet someone, fine. But I'm not going to put a lot of effort into it at this point.

"Fundamentally disrespectful towards women" is probably an exaggeration. I hope. I was certainly disrespectful toward W at times. But maybe I'm only remembering the negative.

Have been seeing IC weekly since February, before I knew about the A. Slow progress...

[Yail]

I know I'm only responsible for 50% of what went wrong but my 50% is BAD. Like, fundamentally disrespectful toward women. Not appreciative of her individuality. Taking her for granted. Keeping her in a subservient position relative to me. Not realizing her worth as a wonderful person. Expecting everything and giving almost nothing. OK, these are extreme ways of phrasing it, but the issues are there....

...I'm weak, dependent, emotionally abusive, selfish, blah blah blah. So she was right when she said "it's too late and I don't think you'll be able to change." Those are things that will be REALLY hard to change.

I don't think this is all true from what we've read in your writings, but these things have a range from subtle to overt. So. If you REALLY want to change and you believe these to be issues that need addressing, I suggest starting with some feminist writings. You dove into the self-help books and worked on understanding yourself from that perspective. If you want to change how you interact with other people (women) perhaps readings from a woman's perspective would be helpful.

I think we all know that the male perspective is set as the default world-view. Consciously seek out books written by women, art produced by women, movies directed by women. Find some fem-theory to read if you like. A lot of this work may have a Queer lense, as there is often an intersectionality discussion. Listen to all.

Is there any truth to the notion that this is all a phase, a "strange 3-year break"?

I had said this as a way to take some mental pressure off, and a different way to view your future, not as an indicator it will or won't happen. I'd say the best chance forward is

A) Stop focusing on timeline and the chances for R
B) Start doing the work on yourself.

You're so focused on the future you're missing the now and the work that needs to be done for a successful future. The passage of time by itself won't help anything. The work has to be done too.

[SoTorn]

To add on to what R2C and ST added while I was typing my long response, and to clarify my own thinking:

I am actually starting to put myself back into the social pool now. I want to see what women think of me. So far I have had a lot of interest and that makes me feel great.

That being said, no, I absolutely do not wish to get into a romantic relationship anytime soon.

^^^ I think this here is the key.

But yes, if WW files for D I am going to sure as hell enjoy some casual sex and dating.

I would go to the candy store and try at least 10 different types of candy before you decide that chocolate is the only type of candy you want to eat.

^^^ I think these things here are risky. Just because casual sex in general is risky, but also because you don't want to be masking other real feelings with this behavior. That is why they say to wait before BOTH having sex with new people and starting relationships. You don't want a band-aid here.

I agree. I'm not one to be aggressive. I'm talking about after D and down the road when I am comfortable with myself.

I have no intentions on being deuce bigalow.

[Ready2Change]

It has been more than a year since anyone "really" loved me.

One important part of this growth period is to love yourself. Be perfectly content by yourself. This is when you will attract quality people into your life.

[Yail]

It has been more than a year since anyone "really" loved me.

One important part of this growth period is to love yourself. Be perfectly content by yourself. This is when you will attract quality people into your life.

Agreed. It sounds like you're referring to only one very specific kind of love. You seem to be discounting the love of your friends and family.

Romantic love is not a constant in anyone's life, and is not a given. Some people never experience it. Even long-term Rs have ups and downs where the kind of love you are referring to ebbs and flows and changes and returns. It's not a human right - it's something we work for, but isn't promised.

[Ready2Change]

Is there any truth to the notion that this is all a phase, a "strange 3-year break"?

There is.

Your W is currently in a relationship that is built on a horrible foundation. It will most likely crumble.

You have time now to build up a solid foundation for your next relationship. It might be with her or it might not.