As well as I'm doing, my emotions are still all over the place. I spent a week with my girls. Then, I went on vacation to El Salvador. I had a great time with the girls and on vacation. I was out of sorts because it took me out of my routine. Then, the loneliness hit when I got back home. I'm doing okay. I had a lot of things to take care of this week, so that's kept me relatively busy. I haven't gotten back into my routine fully. The weeks coming up will be tough. Both of my daughters were born in early February, so that will be an emotional roller-coaster. I'm pretty much NC with XW. It helps keeping me detached. I try not to mind read on why it seems to go from one extreme to another with us. Just keep moving forward. When my thoughts turn to my XW or old life, I tell myself "is what I'm thinking helping me move forward." It helps a little.
I'm still corresponding with the girl I met on a dating site, but I won't be able to meet her until this summer. It's a weird dynamic. At least, I know there is somebody who is young and attractive who finds my online profile interesting. I tend to try to stay away from this site because I don't know that it helps that much with detaching.
I've found a good friend in my co-worker who I went to El Salvador with. It probably wouldn't have happened without the divorce. He and his wife are eager for me to visit El Salvador again.
No real plans for this weekend. I should probably remedy that. I'll probably go back home next weekend. I'll hang out with my best friend and we'll watch the Super Bowl together. Not much news. It's hard to balance part of me still wanting reconciliation (which is likely not even a possibility) and another part that is ready to move on. My main focus is to continue to make the changes I've made permanent.
I hope you keep up on the dating and talking with women. It is nice to know that you are wanted!
El Salvador sounds amazing. I've wanted to travel all over Central America, but I'm just a little leary of the violence. I'd like to get off the reservation ya know? Any cool tips you can share about that?
I'd just not let the recon thoughts into my head. If it were to happen, it'd be in its own time and its own way. The recon thoughts just hold you back from enjoying your life that you are living now and it sounds like that life is getting better and better.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for the update. I'm glad you got to spend that time with the girls and the trip sounds amazing. Like Ovrr, I have always wanted to go to Central America and would love reading a little more about your trip.
I am not surprised your emotions are a little all over the place. It's like having had something to look forward to for a long time and then once the thing you were looking forward to passes, your left with that empty "What now" feeling. The January blues amplified. That feeling once christmas and new years are over, it's dark and cold outside, you have to get back into he work thin and it just feels like there is nothing left to look forward to. But the sunshine comes back, you plan your next holiday and have that to look forward to, you get back into the routine of work and then the feeling passes.
I get that you feel more centered when you don't see your XW. I see my H all the time and he still has the power to throw my emotions (less now though) but that has only come with time and practice. I can switch off certain parts of me because I have learned to. If you rarely see your XW then your body probably goes into a little bit of shock and all the old hurts come back. NC is probably a good idea until she loses that power over you.
Are you seeing your girls for their birthdays? Where are you going to put the next tick on your list of countries visited?
I'd just not let the recon thoughts into my head. If it were to happen, it'd be in its own time and its own way. The recon thoughts just hold you back from enjoying your life that you are living now and it sounds like that life is getting better and better.
Yeah, I think recon thoughts do hold you back. It all goes back to my thread title, "Why Keep Hope."
Thanks for the update. I'm glad you got to spend that time with the girls and the trip sounds amazing. Like Ovrr, I have always wanted to go to Central America and would love reading a little more about your trip.
El Salvador was great. It can be dangerous. It's important to stay out of big cities at night and to be with somebody who knows where they are going (a guide or local). I never felt in danger while I was there, but I was traveling with locals. The food is amazing. It has beaches with few people (tourism is dead because of its reputation). It has mountains and a volcano. The people are friendly. I did catch a bug on my way out. I think it was from a water park we went to.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I am not surprised your emotions are a little all over the place. It's like having had something to look forward to for a long time and then once the thing you were looking forward to passes, your left with that empty "What now" feeling. The January blues amplified. That feeling once christmas and new years are over, it's dark and cold outside, you have to get back into he work thin and it just feels like there is nothing left to look forward to. But the sunshine comes back, you plan your next holiday and have that to look forward to, you get back into the routine of work and then the feeling passes.
I never thought about that. Maybe catching a little cabin fever. Before this trip I felt comfortable in my solitude (even with GAL activities), but it just feels lonely now.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Are you seeing your girls for their birthdays? Where are you going to put the next tick on your list of countries visited?
Unfortunately, no. When we made the schedule, my XW asked if I could come down the week after their birthdays because she has to travel for work. I agreed to it. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I was still in the appeasing stage. My employer okayed me going down there and working from home one week/month during this time, so my hands were tied. The girls are looking at it like having two birthdays though--like how Christmas worked this year. They almost seem excited about it. I'm glad my girls are taking this well, but part of me wonders why this hasn't been harder on them. My older daughter still holds out hope that we'll reconcile. She said something like "you can still get back together after divorce." My younger daughter doesn't seem to care much.
Reading about your girls is like hearing someone talk about my two. My oldest has been hit the hardest - she still hasn't told her friends her dad has moved out and my youngest seems to be taking it in her stride.
My best friend has recently married a man who has three kids with his XW. They've been together about 5 years. The kids always spend christmas day with their mum and then they have 'fake christmas' with their dad. They look forward to both christmas'.
Fake birthdays are as good as real birthdays as long as they are full of love and laughter ... and of course, presents.
Your kids will be the same. A week away with them (without your XW) is something to look forward to.
Reading about your girls is like hearing someone talk about my two. My oldest has been hit the hardest - she still hasn't told her friends her dad has moved out and my youngest seems to be taking it in her stride.
My best friend has recently married a man who has three kids with his XW. They've been together about 5 years. The kids always spend christmas day with their mum and then they have 'fake christmas' with their dad. They look forward to both christmas'.
Fake birthdays are as good as real birthdays as long as they are full of love and laughter ... and of course, presents.
Your kids will be the same. A week away with them (without your XW) is something to look forward to.
I think my girls will be alright--primarily because my XW and I are both handling this properly. There has been little animosity and none in front of the girls.
These next two months will be the tough ones. I will visit them only once/month. Fortunately, I get the weekends to sandwich the week I'm with them. I'll see them 9-10 days. I'll do this twice in April, so that is good. May is when we start to settle down in our new city for good. I'm looking forward to the 50/50 split.
XW emailed me today. It's our first contact in a couple of weeks. She responded to an email I sent last week regarding financial issues. It was weird that she waited so long to respond. She said she was busy with work, told me to stay warm, and said she hopes I had fun in El Salvador. So, we are cordial with limited contact. I reckon this will be the way it will be from now on, and that's okay. I will be keep the peace. Being bitter doesn't help me or the girls. I will listen and validate when she talks (good practice for my future relationships). My goal in our relationship is to make all of this easier on our girls.
I'm still not back to my routine, and I need to get back to it. I have started looking for houses in the city we are moving to, and I pray that the contingent offer on our house comes through to relieve some of the stress I'm feeling and I pray that we get an offer soon on our house down south. I will be happy when this nightmare ends.
I am glad that your wife (and you) have maintained civility in front of the girls. There is not a lot about what has happened that I am able to take comfort in, but the one thing I can say is that my H and I try and show mutual respect for one another in front of the children. I see him holding his tongue when he is upset at me (and about to go into bully mode) about something. He would not have held back before BD - he would just have let rip. So, if nothing else, I respect him and am thankful for this small 180. He does it for the kids and not for me. But I am thankful anyway.
9 - 10 days: now that is something to look forward to. And she will not be there to play around with your emotions so it should be great. I have a lot of divorced friends and the norm here is the dad sees the kids every second weekend and one night a week. I think this is unfair on both the mum and the dad - a weekend is not real life. An overnight is not real life. Weekend dad's get to play super dad and don't experience the day to day monotony of life with kids. It's parental tourism. You only get to scratch the surface. But a week, that sounds awesome.
The email you got sounds a lot like the many exchanges I have - though mine are daily. Friendly, cordial but non committal. A part of me knows this is the way it has to be, but a part of me hates it too. How dare you tell me to keep warm !!! But I know this anger is me and not him. She too is trying to keep the peace. But I know you know this. And yes, it is good practice for future relationships.
The routine will kick in once the childcare is a little more settled. Plus, it's January. Most people, even those not going through this cr@p don't get back to normal until mid Feb.
I too hope the nightmare ends soon (for both of us). I think yours will end sooner than mine though.
I'm in contact with a handful of girls. Won't be able to date any until the summer. That's probably for the best as I recover from the divorce. The girls are all in their mid to upper 30s. Apparently, my profile is like light to a moth for upper 30 gals.
It's quite the mix. They are all decent looking, but there is only one who I feel might have long term potential. I'm getting my swagger back. There's no pressure, so I've been kind of sarcastic, and the gals seem to like that. It's good practice.
In all seriousness, the interest I've been getting has helped get my confidence back.
I tend to try to stay away from this site because I don't know that it helps that much with detaching.