What I learned from Wife's MLC- Part2

[SteveLW]

kiro, you asked about NGS. The best thing I can tell you to do is to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It is an awesome book that all guys should read.

[kiro]

Thank you Steve, I'll look it up

[AnotherStander]

kiro, you asked about NGS. The best thing I can tell you to do is to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It is an awesome book that all guys should read.

Definitely a must-read as a companion to DR. I like to point out that it's not what the title sounds like. The idea isn't to quit being nice and start being a jerk. Rather, the book is about how a lot of outwardly "nice" guys actually have a hidden agenda going on. They are "nice" to try and get what they want. But they are really selfish and pouty and spoiled. They create all kinds of "covert contracts" (where they establish terms they expect to be met but never disclose those terms to the other person, then get upset when the terms aren't met). It's damaging behavior that wrecks relationships over the long haul. Most people don't have NGS 100%, but almost everyone here has some NGS qualities they need to work on. The good news about NGS is most guys quickly see why NGS is bad after reading about it, and much of it is unintentional on their part and they can change those things pretty quickly once they understand their faults.

[kiro]

Thank you AS. Sounds very interesting.

[kiro]

I think I'm just going to buy a dog. It's much easier

[AnotherStander]

I think I'm just going to buy a dog. It's much easier

There's nothing like being met at the door every day by someone that really loves you and is super-excited to see you! Their love comes with no requirements or expectations. They don't care whether you or they had a good day or bad day, they still love you. The family dog got me through the worst of times after BD. My younger daughter went to college and wanted to take her though, so I got another dog and he is my buddy. Always wants to be near me. When I'm working on my art projects I keep a pad on the floor next to me so he can curl up there. I wish I could bring him to work! Dogs are AWESOME.

[kiro]

I started reading about NGS. It's interesting and I will continue the book, but...

...but I'm starting to get overwhelmed with all of this stuff (not only the NGS topic but everything that has to do with relationships, human emotions, psychology, midlife crisis, and so on...). I'm sure this feeling is temporary and will not last, but my life was much simpler before. Ignorance is (was) a bliss.

I had issues, flaws, insecurities... and was probably living in my own bubble and my own dream world. I may have had a distorted perception about the world and about others, but it was MY world. I was happy and satisfied in it. It's all I knew. We all have our own perception of the world. Maybe mine was a little more inaccurate and flawed than others...

I had good intentions or at least I convinced myself that I did and believed it. I treated others the best way I knew. I accepted my fate and loved the people in my life. Apparently, not everyone felt the same about me. Not sure if I should put a happy face or a sad one

I had a very simplistic view about relationships and people. Reality and people are apparently much more complicated.

And this is the reason for my last post about just getting a dog!

Anyway, I am just venting...

[Twofeet]

Kiro,

NMMNG is a pretty good read. I did not have NGS, and the causes for NGS didn't relate to me. However, I did suffer from covert contracts revolving around sex. Ex: I do x, y, & z for my W I felt I should be rewarded with sex without expressing any of these thoughts to W. Never ended well. I didn't even know what covert contracts were until I read the book.

The other comments from you post remind me of Joe Pantoliano's character in the Matrix. He wants to be plugged back in and go back to the way things were despite being a false narrative. Ignorance is bliss, but ignorance doesn't promote growth. It seems like a common theme here is that once the curtains are pulled back ppl here have to start growing and with growth comes growing pains.

I second on how awesome dogs are. My dog is just a little lap dog. If I had a bigger, sturdier dog I would bring it to work.

[kiro]

I don't know. There is something not right about this. Don't get me wrong. I love reading about human psychology and philosophy. I've always enjoyed that. So I am not complaining about learning and growing intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. That's all amazing!

But there is something not right about human relationships and interactions being so complicated. Loving and accepting someone should be much simpler than that, like friendships. People are becoming a little too picky.

[SteveLW]

I don't know. There is something not right about this. Don't get me wrong. I love reading about human psychology and philosophy. I've always enjoyed that. So I am not complaining about learning and growing intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. That's all amazing!

But there is something not right about human relationships and interactions being so complicated. Loving and accepting someone should be much simpler than that, like friendships. People are becoming a little too picky.

The problem is that it isn't. I was much like you, dare I say, naive? My parents have been married since 1968. Together since 1967. Divorce was very rare in my family. In fact, even in my extended family there was no divorce until I was well into my 20s.

However, naive is how you get run over in life. Think about a new driver. They assume all other drivers are friendly, out to be helpful (letting you over), etc. Then they get on the road and people are tailgating, honking, cutting you off, flipping you the bird, flashing their lights at you. Yes the world would be a better place if other drivers were patient and kind, but they are not.

So do all of the reading, Understand that humans relationships are complex, and human love relationships are overly so. Knowledge and wisdom are the best tools in dealing with all of that. So use it to your advantage.