Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 3)

[Bo562]

In the words of TJT, time to be a MFS (in every sense of the term).

Here goes, and if you have questions or want to know more, please ask, and I’ll post updates or stuff that I probably forget.

My first mistake in all this was not insisting on separate rides. Go ahead and 2x4 me for that. W: “What, are you not going to come home with me tonight?”

Ugh. Should have done separate rides. Anyway, we get there, order food (counter-service), and she basically launches into it from the jump.

Says she wants a separation, and to do that, that means filing divorce (if I understood that correctly—we live in CA).

She then tells me that when we spoke back in October that when I told her “I’m not leaving these kids,” that that basically scared the $hit out of her—she basically thought that I would kidnap the kids or something like that. So, she decided to work up an agreement which is basically a parenting plan. She also knows that she’s changed a lot of her beliefs in the past couple of years, especially with respect to birth control (her getting the IUD).

In her mind, the kids would stay at our current place of residence, and then we rent an efficiency and basically trade off according to the schedule. Certain nights one is with the kids, the other is alone back at the other place. She handed me a paper copy and will email me a copy. I know I know—how long has that been in the works? She wants my input on this, and then we get the ball rolling on finding the other place (especially once Ms. Federal Employee starts drawing a paycheck again because of the shutdown), and then she will basically sue for divorce in time. She wants to keep the lawyers out of it as much as possible—so to do as much before hand before the official paperwork gets drawn up. She also wants me to cooperate and not draw this out.

She wants to keep OS in the current school district (and it’s a very good school district). I do believe that he is really happy there, and I agreed with her that it would be best if he is still there. YS will be going to a home daycare in our neighborhood starting Monday.

I tried validating as much as I could, and I also tried to put things off by saying ‘let me think about that.’ She called me out on my ‘therapy talk’ at one point. Lovely.

She asked me if I had any comments or anything that I’d like to add. I tried to channel R2C: It’s clear to me. I want us both to be happy, and that I thanked her for giving me the chance to find someone that I could truly be happy with.

She told me that when I start dating again that this woman would need to love the kids (of course—why wouldn’t I find someone like that)? She also told me that she isn’t sure she could be happier with anyone else (she brought up the fact that both of her parents didn’t remarry), but that she knows she isn’t happy with me. ( I know: LIES)

W asked me how this would impact my job. I played coy and asked her “How so?” W: Well, don’t you teach morality and ethics? (I do—in fact, start that this semester. Joy.) Me: I’m not the one who is choosing to get divorced.

She also talked about splitting accounts. I’ve long had checking / savings accounts with a local credit union (and she knows about them), so I can do that. She told me that she has our joint account, and an account with Bank of America that her dad has with her (long story, please don’t ask), and a credit union account. I played coy again and asked her “And the credit union? That’s it?” Because I do recall that she had a deposit from our joint account to open another checking account. I know—should have challenged her on that one.

She gave me the document, and I’ll review it—but I just don’t know about it. Luckily I’ll have the gift of time to review it. Should probably lawyer up, too, even though she wants to keep them out of it as much as possible. Why should I pay to support 2 residences? Why should I have to give up my current place half-time, especially when the utilities are in my name (electric and TV / internet)?

When we got back home, she asked me to put something of hers from dinner in the kitchen. I basically stepped back to let her do it. W: Or, okay, I can go do it. (I know, probably passive-aggressive on my part—but my thought was ‘wait you’re gonna fire me and you expect me to do things for you?’ I know, be civil and be a good person and all that.)

Now, the reflecting:

I put OS to bed earlier tonight. “Love you Daddy.” Not looking forward to giving that up half-time. And I’m heartbroken about YS—that it seems like the pregnancy with him split open the marriage (I know that probably wasn’t fully it, but it played a part I’m sure).

I felt like, for the most part, I projected relative strength, despite the taking-one-car-thing. I let her do most of the talking, validated where I could as best as I could, even though she didn’t like the non-answers. When she wanted comments from me about how I’m feeling, I basically kept talking about how I’m grateful for the chance to find someone that I can be happy with. I did not go straight from the classic LBS script of begging, pleading, crying, using logic, etc. None of that, at least. One thing I did see on the forums last night was looking into her eyes and thinking “I love you”—not sure if that was from the quotes by R2C, or in the Success Stories page. I did try that starting last night at bed, and tried it again at points during dinner / BD.

I held it together, and didn’t cry, even though at times my heart and stomach felt like they were gonna jump through my throat. When we got back, MIL was bathing YS. I bathed OS, and put him to bed. Like I said, held it together.

But now I’m just like God Damn You for doing this to these kids. And I feel like a failure for marrying her—that I could have done better. And that I want to (and will) do better down the road. I know that, but I have to work on me in some respects, and I just want to serve these kids. Put them to bed, do YS’ bottles, as much as I can because now I feel like those things are on countdown. God I love them so much and I hate this part.

I also have to wonder why she wants to speed this through. OM? (In the end, I shouldn’t analyze that, but I can’t help but think...)

I know I’m only a few hours post-BD, but I wonder how much fight I have for this marriage, tbh. It’s pretty clear she wants out, and I’ve tried DB’ing as much as I could. But I also don’t want to screw up these kids so much. Why should they have to suffer through this because of her feelz?

I do want to thank everyone for their feedback / advice / prayers so far. I may not have handled this as well as I could have or should have, but I also know that probably without this, I’m sure I would have done far, far worse (and probably would have totally done the whole LBS script to a tee).

I also know that if it comes to it down the road, I would hope to get an annulment. I’m only 35 (will be 36 in the spring), and I know I have much to offer someone down the road, I’m sure. Young-ish, decent-looking despite the thinning blonde hair up top, good with kids, raising 2 beautiful, well-mannered kids, a relatively stable job where I’m also good with kids? Yeah.....

Comments / prayers welcome. Thank you all! (((Hugs)))

[Bo562]

Oh, and forgot......when I have summers off, she said that I can spend a lot more time with OS.

How gracious, I know. I’m sure I’ll need / want the Daddy time—but I’d also effectively BE GIVING HER FREE CHILD CARE.

Why should she cake-eat on that?!?!?!?

[Bo562]

As I was cruising the forums, quote from Vapo I could apply to my sitch:

Be it as it may. Pour yourself a big cup of STFU juice and get your a$$ in gear. Wallowing in despair and pointless regret is utterly futile and a literal waste of time. And the more time you waste, you prolong your healing and slow your growing. Dude, you have serious growing to do. SERIOUS.

[Twofeet]

Bo,

Working backwards.

Free child care in the summer for her means free child care in the summer for you. I'm not in CA, so I dont know how it splits, but here especially with 50/50 custody child care cost are split based on income percentages. Also, free childcare in the summer means bonding with the boys. Remember you are the Dad and these are opportunities to bond in ways many Dads may not have an opportunity to do.

You need to DB your a$$ of cause it isn't over till it's over. You can talk to a priest/committee who heads up the annulments for your diocese to get an idea of the process. You can't (or it's not recommended) apply for annulment until after D. Remember annulment is to prove events up to and at the point the sacrament was taken were not valid. Your W could be having an A or want a D and that's not a valid reason. It not what's happening in the MR now, but prior to M. Its early to talk about it but be prepared for the consequences of what it means if you can't get an annulment. It will rock your faith.

You teach at a Catholic school right? I doubt civil D is grounds for not teaching in a parochial school.

Speeding it through could mean OM. It was likely part of the reason in my sitch. I will leave the exposure of A up to the DB vets. Just dont leave the MBR or the MH. Oh and my W dropped being Catholic, don't be surprised if your W follows suit. In many cases the WAS dropping their faith seems to be one of the scripts.

Sounds like she drew up all the plans, but the way I see it if she wants to be amicable it should be something you both come up with and agree on together. Don't rollover, if something doesn't work for you then come up with an alternative. Take her terms and go get like 3 consults with lawyers. We used a mediator who was a lawyer to keep it out of the court and solve our problems inexpensively. However, I had a few attorneys consult me. One who was a woman who an absolute vicious bullshark.

If the D goes through you just have to do what's best for you and your boys.

Sorry this is happening to you.

[Bo562]

Hey TF,

Thanks for the thoughts / support. I’ll take your points in the order in which you gave them.

You are correct—Daddy Time is Daddy Time, and I should cherish it, no matter what.

I do need to continue DB’ing, and I’m wondering if now is the time for LRT.

I know W wants a D, and even though that probably won’t be good enough, I still want to try for an annulment if it gets that far. But you’re right—I should think about what it would mean if I can’t get it, but I’d still want to try.

I do teach at a Catholic HS. I don’t believe that civil D is grounds for not teaching in a parochial school. There are D’ed teachers on staff, including my own department. Rather, I brought all that up to highlight my response (trying to keep my wits and stand up for me / MR), as well as her level of concern doesn’t seem sincere. If she really cares about my job then maybe don’t divorce me?

Yeah, I’ll leave it up to the DB vets re: A / OM. I’m not leaving MBR....and the more I think about it, the more ludicrous I find that she wants me to leave MH half-time. She wants out? She needs to leave.

You are correct in the sense that we should agree on it together, and she has said as much. She wants me to review it and is open to (reasonable) suggestions. Not interested in rolling over—and I should probably look at a mediator / consults with other attorneys.

I have read in prior posts that the priority scheme basically becomes 1.) Kids 2.) Me 3.) WAS. That’s basically my mindset going forward.

[SoTorn]

You just DB. LRT is you filing for D. That's my understanding. Just L up or at least do several consults. I have spoken with five Ls. California is no fault 50 50 assets just like here. However from what I understand they have been unhappy with a spouse having an A and award the BS more leeway.

Just DB DB DB. My WW has literally done nothing. Honestly I am getting very comfortable being single. I am NC, GAL 180 like a mad man waiting for her to file D or set up mediation.

Again though I'm feeling very good about being free. I have done so much GAL. I had no idea life was so fun lol. Make sure you let your emotions out once in a while or you will feel very bad.

Go read all the suggested books. I just started the subtle art of not giving a f**k. Great book. You dont need to stand in front of a mirror and give yourself a pep talk but get out. Go find stuff you love to do and do them.

Fake being happy if you have to while GAL. Plan stuff with the kids. Do fun stuff with them.

You will initially feel like there is no way you will feel better or get rid of the anger but the waves of emotions get further apart and smaller and smaller. The harder you DB and more you GAL speeds that up.

Use your gift of time wisely. Dont waste time dwelling or worrying because it truly does not help anything.

I think you did a good job. Keep it up. You dont need to do favors or chores for her. She just fired you from position of H. AKA she just released you from all responsibilities related to her needs and emotions. That is a burden off your shoulders. Love those kids enough for both of you and love yourself the same. You got this!

[DejaVu6]

Bo. So sorry to read about your evening. It is devastating, I know. You’ve been dealt a big blow and it hurts a lot. Take some time to step back and think about what you want and what is fair to you and your children. Read her proposal and get a consultation with a lawyer, preferably one who does mediation. Don’t be in a rush. You don’t need to make any big decisions right now. (((HUGS)))

[burned]

Bo, you handled that like a MFS champion. You used what you learned here to your advantage. When you get your head straight, take a moment to look through those events as you described them and see how she reacted to you. Lots of script, lots of attempts to maintain control, lots of uncertainty about why you didn’t react the way she expected you to.

Vapo’s words sting (he’s keeping me in line), but heed them now and don’t get to the low point that I did. Let the emotions happen when they do but always search for something you can do to stop the emotion train before it derails.

LRT isn’t filing for D. It’s just GAL and 180s and Sandi’s rules. That’s my understanding, at least. Then MWD also mentions “after-LRT” which is similar to “going dark.” I’ve seen it recommended (by Again18 to Twofeet) that once you have physical S you go dark. So, LRT during IHS, then dark if/when she moves out.

Last thing for now. It all reeks of OM. In my case (Phoenix, too, I think), IUD = “I want the absolute best BC that doesn’t involve surgery. In your case there’s a plausible excuse because of NFP and the timing related to YS/PPD/etc. I know a bit about mental heath and I’m fairly certain that PPD does NOT usually involve such dramatic changes in morality and life trajectory and so forth. It’s usually more like apathy. I might be entirely wrong and you may have read and learned something more accurate, but that is my recollection. They used to call it “baby blues,” not “baby freak-out-and-destroy-family.”

Point being, although there’s no confirmation, you appear to be dealing with a WW.

You’re doing great though. Keep it up. Things took a turn but you still have a lot of room to work with. Keep the focus on you, let her do her thing.

[neffer]

You handled it well Bo. It was hard to read anyway. And you did some headshots too

She asked me if I had any comments or anything that I’d like to add. I tried to channel R2C: It’s clear to me. I want us both to be happy, and that I thanked her for giving me the chance to find someone that I could truly be happy with.

W asked me how this would impact my job. I played coy and asked her “How so?” W: Well, don’t you teach morality and ethics? (I do—in fact, start that this semester. Joy.) Me: I’m not the one who is choosing to get divorced.

Get some lawyer’s advice. Take your time. And keep that DB going! Stand strong there man!

[Bo562]

Thanks all

Trying to keep the DB going

Know I should lawyer up despite her wanting to keep them out of this until official paperwork

Not much to report on GAL--playing with kids and watching football--also my back has been acting up so I've cooled it on exercise for now

Just conflicted on if I want to save things with W--she's basically ready for battle, and I'll admit my physical / emotional attraction to her, though plummeting, is now just about zero

I hope I can do better next time