No I don't want that M anymore, Steve is right that M is done. Is there another R with W that would look and feel more like the original pre-kid one? Or better? Not unless we both change. Will my changes have an effect on W? If I believe in It Takes One to Tango, than maybe. That's kind of where I'm at. I get it though - I change for me and let's see what happens later with her.
As for my GAL, we have the 2 kids so I am ramping up my independent time with them - projects and games at the house and park and activities outside the house. One of the frustrating things is that they are still pretty young and really into the W and seem to prefer time with her, which hurts but its always been that way. I'm doing what I can to get that 1x1 time though.
Outside of kid stuff, I am ramping up my nights out with friends, from a few nights a month in the past to weekly now - usually after the kids are down. Local music, hanging over a friend's house for a few beers, etc. Planning on some bigger things as we go forward - concerts, weekend away with some friends, etc. It's just a little tougher because of the kids, so a good portion of GAL will involve them. I'm trying to schedule some events - dinners, hikes, camping - with some dads of the kids friends - kind of a daddy-kids thing, no mommies. Also i'm back in the gym lifting weights (used to be a huge gym rat) and getting a new mountain bike and joining a few dads I met through the kids on some trails. Again, I want to GAL but balance it with kids time, I know you get it.
Steve said BUSY BUSY BUSY and I really buy into that. When I was a single guy I was BUSY times 100 and every girl I dated was more drawn to me for it. It was always just a matter of giving them just enough of my time and not a second more, unless things were really getting more serious. Even then, I was BUSY times 10 instead of 100. Quality of interaction over Quantity. So true.
W has a lot of positive qualities and is viewed by most as a great catch (including me at least until a few years ago), beautiful, great shape, successful, social, on and on. She has that nasty streak that really [censored], but that is not 100% of who she is. There are a lot of great qualities in the mix, but when the nasty comes out it is bad.
I am no choir boy and I want to make sure I am not overplaying a victim card here - I have many positive qualities and do believe I am a great catch as well, but I have the capacity to be an ahole depending on the circumstances. If I am challenged, criticized or attacked in a way that I deem confrontational or aggressive, I am going to counter with some level of force, using sarcasm, pointing out the hypocrisy of my attacker, challenging the truth of their position, on and on. I am working on a better way to be in these circumstances. Work in progress.
I have culpability for the demise of the M. To an extent I do have characteristics of the "Shytty Husband" - neglect, indifference, head in the sand, self-absorbed, lack of intimacy, etc. I haven't parsed out how much is just me and how much was a reaction to W's personality issues. Maybe that dissection is for down the road? Regardless of the cause, I want to correct all bad behavior on my part.
R2C thanks for your detailed thoughts a few posts back, that is really helpful input.
Regarding the MBR, yes I am in it and W just moved to a guest suite after her sister and her husband cleared out after visiting for Christmas. W wanted the MBR for the IHS, I told her I was not moving out of the room and that we had 2 other empty bedrooms to choose from. She was seething. Truth be told the guest suite she is in now in is huge and pretty awesome, friends and family joke it is better than the MBR, but I get the symbolic nature of me asserting control over the MBR. It was easy to do as I am Alpha and the more agitated she got the more calm came over me.
W really wants me out of the house but I told her very calmly and assertively that I have not decided what my plan is as far as future living sitch and that I am not moving right now and perhaps not at all. I told her she is free to do whatever she needs to do to get her space, including moving out herself. This led to a brief discussion regarding future plans for the house, which we both want and both agree would be best to keep for the kids as it is the only home they have ever lived in. The issue is going to be the buyout as we have owned the home for 7 years, bought it at the bottom of the RE crash and we now have massive equity. To be continued on this front.
Thank you R2C there is a lot to absorb there, I am still reading.
Last night W brought up telling the kids within the next few weeks, I said I would need to think about that as we have no set plan moving forward yet. She wants to tell them so she can then tell her family and basically get the word out that D is happening.
W also wants to get moving on deciding who keeps the house and division of assets, and wants to mediate instead of lawyering up. I told her I am not ready to do so at this time as I have to evaluate what is best for the kids and my own financial future and life.
Any input on these subjects would be great thank you!
I said I would need to think about that as we have no set plan moving forward yet.
Perfect.
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She wants to tell them so she can then tell her family and basically get the word out that D is happening.
She wants to introduce her new man to her family, but she can't do that until you are divorced. I would bet money that she has a male "friend" at work. Several months after the D, she will claim she has met someone. We can discuss this more later.
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W also wants to get moving on deciding who keeps the house and division of assets, and wants to mediate instead of lawyer up.
If she bring this up again, agree with her that mediation should be used for things that you can't agree about. If she pushes for quickness:
H:"W, obviously you have thought about this for a long time. I need time to process everything. I want this to go as smoothly as possible."
You should get legal advise ASAP. Draw up a list of questions. Call the top 3 D lawyers in your area and get a free consolation with each, but pay for them if needed. 1) this answers your questions. 2) Most likely prevents W from retaining them. Your W may be acting nice, but you know the other side of her.
Look up the legal definition of "pro se". Ask the lawyers if an email agreements between you and W are legally binding.
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I told her I am not ready to do so at this time as I have to evaluate what is best for the kids and my own financial future and life.
Perfect.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Outside of kid stuff, I am ramping up my nights out with friends, from a few nights a month in the past to weekly now - usually after the kids are down. Local music, hanging over a friend's house for a few beers, etc. Planning on some bigger things as we go forward - concerts, weekend away with some friends, etc. It's just a little tougher because of the kids, so a good portion of GAL will involve them. I'm trying to schedule some events - dinners, hikes, camping - with some dads of the kids friends - kind of a daddy-kids thing, no mommies. Also i'm back in the gym lifting weights (used to be a huge gym rat) and getting a new mountain bike and joining a few dads I met through the kids on some trails. Again, I want to GAL but balance it with kids time, I know you get it.
Awesome! Either you come by DB'ing naturally or you are picking it up really quickly, but you are definitely doing all the right things. Well done.
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W has a lot of positive qualities and is viewed by most as a great catch (including me at least until a few years ago), beautiful, great shape, successful, social, on and on. She has that nasty streak that really [censored], but that is not 100% of who she is. There are a lot of great qualities in the mix, but when the nasty comes out it is bad.
Not sure if you've read NMMNG but strangely SHE sounds like the one that has NGS in your relationship! Appears to be the perfect little wifey to everyone else but treats you like dirt behind closed doors.
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I am no choir boy and I want to make sure I am not overplaying a victim card here - I have many positive qualities and do believe I am a great catch as well, but I have the capacity to be an ahole depending on the circumstances. If I am challenged, criticized or attacked in a way that I deem confrontational or aggressive, I am going to counter with some level of force, using sarcasm, pointing out the hypocrisy of my attacker, challenging the truth of their position, on and on. I am working on a better way to be in these circumstances. Work in progress.
Yeah I do get the sense you are owning your part of it and working on that which is great.
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Regarding the MBR, yes I am in it and W just moved to a guest suite after her sister and her husband cleared out after visiting for Christmas. W wanted the MBR for the IHS, I told her I was not moving out of the room and that we had 2 other empty bedrooms to choose from. She was seething.
Of course she was, how dare you not cave to her every whim and demand! You did the right thing, as you said even if the alternate is more comfortable for her it is a big symbolic move.
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W really wants me out of the house but I told her very calmly and assertively that I have not decided what my plan is as far as future living sitch and that I am not moving right now and perhaps not at all.
Good. My ex did the same. I told her that I wasn't going anywhere, it was my home and if she wanted to abandon the marriage then that was her choice to make and I wasn't going to try and stop her. But I certainly wasn't going anywhere, and if she decided to stay then she needed to do so with the understanding that she would work on the M. She did choose to leave of course, but I'm glad I kept the house. I'm an architect and have done a lot of very personal hands-on work to the house over the nearly 20 years I've been in it. Why should I be the one inconvenienced by having to find somewhere else to live, and lay awake at night wondering if some scuzzy OM was sleeping in MY bed in MY bedroom washing my wife's sex off of himself in MY shower. No, that was not going to happen, EVER.
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I told her she is free to do whatever she needs to do to get her space, including moving out herself. This led to a brief discussion regarding future plans for the house, which we both want and both agree would be best to keep for the kids as it is the only home they have ever lived in. The issue is going to be the buyout as we have owned the home for 7 years, bought it at the bottom of the RE crash and we now have massive equity.
Yes, that was another thing is the house was home base for the kids so that was another reason to remain there. It was their place of comfort. We bought it in a new development and over the course of our M it doubled in value. It was paid off well before we got D'd. I had to take out a mortgage on it to pay my ex her half of everything. Get this, the mortgage amount was identical to the penny to the original mortgage amount. So I was quite literally starting all over again, except this time paying everything by myself. Man that irks me, LOL! Still, like I said I'm glad I stayed in it. No regrets at all.
I am going to book a sit-down with a lawyer and get some initial insight into my sitch. W wants to play nice and amicable and if we can agree to terms that's great, but I am not signing shyt without an experienced lawyer taking a look. I deal with a lot of contracts in my business and W knows I am a stickler for details and look at every sentence, word and period 100 times before I'm done.
On the house thing I am jealous of you AS, while we have a ton of equity we still have a big mortgage and I'm not sure that I can pay W off and handle a refi payment. W can't either, but her parents have $$ and I am betting they will pony up for her to buy me out. Good for the kids to keep the house, bad for me as I have no family resources. Not giving up yet but not looking good.
Can't argue with R2C that W's "new" guy is going to magically appear shortly after D. The further we progress toward D the less impact busting her will be I guess. I need to make a move regarding investigation really soon if I'm going to do it. I notice a lot of people indicate they have made the bust - is there a common preferred method? I never have an opportunity to grab her phone so I am guessing it is PI or voice recorder (illegal where I live). I could do a PI for a few days but unless she has a lot of contact every week with the possible OM it is kind of shot in the dark.
I'm living about halfway across the country from all my family and that is pretty tough. Distance is not as hard when things are going great. I do have a lot of awesome friends and plenty of GAL opportunities, but I would kill to have some family close these days. They don't know yet and they are going to be rocked as divorce does not run the family. Not sure how I even can get through a phone convo with them, it will be excruciating. But it's going to happen, this whole thing is going to happen how it will, and I am going to end up soaring into the future.
I need to make a move regarding investigation really soon if I'm going to do it. I notice a lot of people indicate they have made the bust - is there a common preferred method? I never have an opportunity to grab her phone so I am guessing it is PI or voice recorder (illegal where I live). I could do a PI for a few days but unless she has a lot of contact every week with the possible OM it is kind of shot in the dark.
Most of the time it is advised not to snoop because the LBS is not able to emotionally handle the pain from what they find. I know some people have forgotten to take a cell phone out of silent mode after fully charging it and accidentally left it in the family car that their spouse normally drives. They used the goggle tracking feature to find it and noticed the car had gone to some unexpected places.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
