I'm doing pretty well overall. The last week has been pretty eventful to say the least, but I am really starting to feel things getting better. I am still am working on my confidence issues but it is improving steadily. I got a shot in the arm last Friday when I went to the doctor and I lost 5 pounds...I lost fat and I gained muscle. And I'm seeing myself transform into someone who I can say is attractive, inside and out. I don't think I have ever felt this good about myself in a very long time. And it's being carried out in my actions. Whether it is attractive to others or not, I don't know nor do I care. I love who I am becoming.
My WW is seeing these changes and is starting to chase me. Albeit it's nowhere obsessive status (nor I do expect her to), it is something that I am noticing. She wants to do favors for me, offers to stay at home and "look after me" if I'm too hurt to take care of myself (I pulled a muscle that incapacitated me for the weekend), and just offers of...helping. Again, I'm not making ANYTHING of her actions (trust 50%), it is interesting that she is doing this.
I still experience dips regularly, but they are not as intense as they used to be. A combination of detaching, GAL, and focusing on my personal and professional growth has kept my mindset positive while I continue to navigate this.
I will try to update a little more regularly, but I just needed to step back for a bit from here and really reflect on my journey to this point. I have been reading my previous posts and observe the growth I have gone through. I am really happy where I am right now, and I know it will continue to get better as things start getting clearer and I become reborn. I keep up with the sitches here when I find some time and copy and paste wisdom from multiple threads into a Word document I keep in the cloud. I reference that document frequently to make sure that I don't get off track.
The latest one I copied and pasted is Blu's and Sandi's piecing document. I am nowhere near piecing, since things are still scattered about, but I am starting to feel that it is a possibility that may becoming more tangible as time progresses.
Oh...and so far, 2019 has been really good to me. Much better than 2018.
So my WW came home and she talked about the bill. I took Joe's advice and said "Not my bill". Well, that hit her hard. And she cried. And she asked why I was an [censored] to her. The unresponsive calls and texts, the way I talk about bills, and the fact that she dreads coming home when I am home because I am angry/moody/vindictive.
All valid points.
She told me about my behaviors the last six years and how I treated her when she was pregnant, and afterwards. Basically, I owned up to it.
She has also dropped hints that I was the one who said the marriage was over, how else should I take what she has done up to that point? She told me that I said that I did not care about her first date, giving off the impression that I moved on, when I clearly was not.
Our plan now is to get our debt paid off. WW will be looking for a place of her own soon. We'll see where we are at in the next six months.
I did not dare tell her anything regarding R. At all. AFAIK, that is not an option anymore (to her).
She feels like she has been supportive of all my improvement efforts and has acknowledged the change. She says she tried to be there for me and I keep putting up a wall between her and I.
I validated all of her points, and agreed that yes, I was an [censored] to her for so long. And I regret it.
Finally, I told her that I forgave her. I cannot continue to be vindictive and angry anymore. There is a way to lovingly detach.
I have no idea where go. I am trying to accept that a D is not an "if" but a "when". But I'd be lying if said I want it to happen. I don't. I really don't. And I'm wondering if I have caused more damage in the last couple of months then heal. Because WW sure feels like I hurt her.
What a mess.
Is she telling the truth in what she says about you? What does she currently want? Does she want to save the M, or get a D?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Is she telling the truth in what she says about you? What does she currently want? Does she want to save the M, or get a D?
Sandi, when we talked last week, my instinct/gut feeling told me that she was sincere and telling the truth. It was the first time in almost a year that I saw and heard the woman I fell in love with and her feelings for me felt genuine. And the fact that she keeps bringing up about one every two weeks tells me that not only is she seeing the changes I am making, but it is leaving an imprint on her and clouding her decision of choosing what she wants.
She talks like we are preparing for a divorce, but there have been no actions (on either of our ends) to move it that way.
It's still early, but I'm sensing some movement away from divorce.
It's the most confident I have felt about this situation in a very long time. I still have hope that we can work our way back towards each other and begin piecing.
Sandi, when we talked last week, my instinct/gut feeling told me that she was sincere and telling the truth. It was the first time in almost a year that I saw and heard the woman I fell in love with and her feelings for me felt genuine. And the fact that she keeps bringing up about one every two weeks tells me that not only is she seeing the changes I am making, but it is leaving an imprint on her and clouding her decision of choosing what she wants.
Is she still in contact with OM? Is she engaging in girl gone wild activities?
Look, your anger and vindictiveness could ruin your chances of reconciling. When I read your post describing her words, I saw a woman who had been badly hurt by her H. I'm not excusing her affair, but I understand how a woman can feel lonely and her emotional needs ignored by her H for so long that she loses hope their MR will ever improve. She becomes vulnerable to some other guy that says all the right things and makes her feel special. If she has ended her affair and stopped other wayward activities, she may be at the point of wanting to reconcile. I don't know, I'm just wondering, based on her words.
So, my advice is to ditch your bad attitude and cut out the vindictiveness.........if you want her back. Stop making a point of completely staying away from her when she's home. Speak to her when you see her. Don't be rude and totally ignore her. Share some time in the same room with her. If she sees you not being mad at her, maybe things will make a turn in the right direction.
I got the impression from what she said that perhaps she thinks you are the one currently wanting the divorce, b/c you are so angry at her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Is she still in contact with OM? Is she engaging in girl gone wild activities?
Look, your anger and vindictiveness could ruin your chances of reconciling. When I read your post describing her words, I saw a woman who had been badly hurt by her H. I'm not excusing her affair, but I understand how a woman can feel lonely and her emotional needs ignored by her H for so long that she loses hope their MR will ever improve. She becomes vulnerable to some other guy that says all the right things and makes her feel special. If she has ended her affair and stopped other wayward activities, she may be at the point of wanting to reconcile. I don't know, I'm just wondering, based on her words.
So, my advice is to ditch your bad attitude and cut out the vindictiveness.........if you want her back. Stop making a point of completely staying away from her when she's home. Speak to her when you see her. Don't be rude and totally ignore her. Share some time in the same room with her. If she sees you not being mad at her, maybe things will make a turn in the right direction.
I got the impression from what she said that perhaps she thinks you are the one currently wanting the divorce, b/c you are so angry at her.
She is still in contact with the OM and visits him every weekend. AFAIK she is not engaging in GGW stuff. I think she has settled down. The lifestyle is catching up to her and is affecting her physical health. She told me of another potential health issue yesterday. She is trying to make light of it, but she is scared.
I told her that have fully forgiven her. When I said those words, I felt the remnants of anger of her choices leaving me. I told her I have been acting like a prick and a$$hole and I would work on that. Since that day, I have been much more pleasant to her. I have been offering some help when she needs it (I'm not at her beck and call. I still wait to respond to her messages). It's only been 10 days since I cut the vindictiveness and anger, but I am feeling some positivity not only in myself but between her and I as well.
Small steps. It means not much, but then again, it could mean something turning around.
And your impression is correct, Sandi. I truly think she does not want a divorce and she has been waiting for me to respond to her tests to turn it around. I think I am finally at that point where I have made enough positive changes and gained enough strength to start focusing on my contribution to save the M. By NO means am I saying that I am done changing because I am definitely not. I have a lot to fix. My anger is still something I need to work on. I still do not have a grip on my NGS. And I am starting to get some therapy for my sex issues.
And yes, I am fully aware of my contribution to this sitch. I told her as much as to why she is doing what she is doing. I told her that this started when my WW told me that she was pregnant and it just got progressively worse. I abandoned her when she needed me most. I did not give her the attention and affection she deserved. I subliminally blamed her for a lot of the issues in my life. I told her that I took her love for granted because I thought it was going to last forever.
I was extremely wrong.
She did not deserve any of it and I told her as much. I will continue to tell her, whether we piece or not.
She is still in contact with the OM and visits him every weekend.
Please stay balanced. You almost swung too far the other direction, since you know she is still seeing OM. Do you see where you nearly went too far?
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It's only been 10 days since I cut the vindictiveness and anger, but I am feeling some positivity not only in myself but between her and I as well.
Good! The vindictiveness was eating you alive!
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I still wait to respond to her messages).
Why? Don't you think it looks rude to make her wait every single time, before you respond? I mean, if you are truly busy, then don't break your neck to answer, but as long as she is using respectful words and not getting a bad attitude with you......I don't think it is necessary to play the "waiting game" before responding each time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Phoenix, don't look at your WW as you responding to her tests.....you have to do the turnaround for you. I am no expert but I have seen most things that have been advised here work to an extent. Keep at the DBing!
Make the changes that make you feel good about yourself, do the activities that help you grow and help detach because you are living your best life...not waiting for that person that has caused so much hurt to come around. It is a tough pill to swallow experiencing all of this first hand and I too struggle with the impatience. If I would guess my WW is struggling to detach from OM but it appears that she is moving in the right direction. We just have to keep pushing forward with our goals.
Love hearing your success in physically improving, never stop that! I keep setting new goals for myself, weight, strength, new physical activities to take on. Never enjoyed clothes shopping until I got my youthful physique back at 49, the compliments are great and uplifting that I too am desirable...hopefully you are getting those looks as well.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
