Letting Go. Detaching. Done Engaging.

[ovrrnbw]

I just dont know if we would be happy together unless there was such radical change.

You see, you know this. It's the accepting part that is hard. So you let her go and if she really wants you, she'll come back with the changes necessary. Most of us know our problems, deep down, even if we are good at hiding them or pretending they aren't there.

On the flip side, what radical changes does Did need to undertake? That's where you should be, and it looks like you are, focused. Don't make your next R the same as the last one, whether it's with your W or someone else.

[sandi2]

I didn’t answer just now because I was busy. Is me wanting to call back or answering most of the time she FaceTimes NGS?

Didn't you read the book......you tell us if it is NGS. I think it is partly due to the way she has trained you. I mean, it is so ingrained in you to immediately respond to her, it takes baby steps of postponing and ignoring it until you don't feel the emotional pressure to return her call.

I want to act as I would If divorced. NC go dark etc. but if we were divorced I would probably call back to talk to my daughter.

Then you need to train her as to what and when you will respond, and check on your little girl. How? I think you are on track, by not jumping to get right back in touch to every every call, or FT on the schedule she sets and not responding to every text from her. I think you will feel a sense of pride and independence.....maybe even a little freedom, once you get a good handle on it.

Keep up the good work.

[Did]

Thanks Ovr, I agree completely. Im making the changes for me. Still lonely at times but I know Ill be fine in the long run. I just dont see her making the changes. Shes focused on starting to work which is great. I cant fault her on that.

Sandi, appreciate your insights. I have been acting like were divorced. That post your replied to yes it was NGS wanting to call back that night... I didnt do it. I do feel a lot better definitely pride and like a stronger man that Im fine with or without her.

This separation has been since June 2017. I am going to stand by my timetable of February... Ive accepted it. And I have goals that have nothing to do with W or our relationship. I will reach my potential and have a great life. Its a shame but it is what it is. The only way I see anything changes if she shows serious resentment and wants to fight for me as hard as I fought for her for a year +

Ive made an attempt to start a mens divorce group locally. In effort to help men, have people to talk to going through it, and potentially start coaching men on happiness. Using a lot of what Ive learned here as well as everything else Ive learned that I didnt know while married.

Cheers and thanks for the support.

[Did]

Getting to bed D4 says if I could wish for anything it’d be for all of us to live together. Me too d4 me too. That sht cuts deep into my heart.

That’s why I hate divorce why I have a hard time believing what W actions have shown me. That’s why I’m writing this book why I’m 500+ posts in here. And why as humans we need to learn how to have better healthier relationships. Because we weren’t taught. Our kids and future generations deserve better.

Honestly, just ouch.

[ovrrnbw]

I hear you man. My folks weren't the best to model a R after. But it's obviously possible to learn and improve. Your daughter sounds like something else.

I know you've mentioned the Feb timeline. My opinion, and I hope others comment, is that you haven't given your W or yourself enough time and space to truly get away from each other and do some healing, some growing, and some self-assessment to know if you're ready to try to fix things or to divorce. You've tried to do this in spurts, but none have lasted longer than a week.

I hope we get some more opinions on this, but I know this is just advice, you get to choose for yourself.

[Did]

You may be right that we havent given each other enough time or space. I just feel like theres nothing there in regard to her wanting a relationship or marriage or anything consistent. Feb will be 20 months. Pretty long. It doesnt matter if I want to try to fix things. I tried for a long time and it only made it worse.

[neffer]

And you both need to give D4 a role model to follow. I´m sorry Did but you need to stand for your values and follow them. No more of those insane cycles. You can´t fix what doesn´t want to be fixed. Be there for D4 but keep moving on.

I´m sorry man

(((Did)))

[Did]

Neffer what are you saying? Be strong with my timetable and if nothing changes proceed with divorce? I mean there is nothing between us that’s positive at this point. I don’t see anything changing. She doesn’t even seem to care. It’s just what she knows from her childhood and she wants a better co parenting healthier relationship than she had. But doesn’t seem to have any desire to work on ya or build something together. The only time she’s ever come back is when she’s down and needs someone.

[neffer]

And then the cycle restarts...

What I mean is that you need to be the role model to D4. To be consistent with your changes, to keep growing as a person but also as the father you are. There are still too many " she"s in your posting. It´s about you now Did. Not saying anything about divorce or setting February as an expiration date. Don´t get yourself into a corner man. Free yourself and start your own healthy journey, as a free man and as a father. No expectations, but hope. W must do a hard work on herself, it´s up to her now. You can´t be waiting for that awakening, it may never happen.

Keep detaching, keep DBing.

[Did]

I’m on a healthy journey and working on myself daily. I don’t understand why we should stay married if there isn’t anything between us or anything building growing... there’s nothing except a piece of paper somewhere saying we’re married.