two steps forward, three steps back (burned)

[Joe2017]

Nah, don't worry about it. Once the D is done and final, many parts of your world will become easier only because the process is not hanging over you.

Keep your head up!

[Ready2Change]

I don't know if it matters, but I would kill the "Sounds good"...maybe change it to :

"Let me know when you would like to meet at the court house."


Again this is just paperwork. It may be harder for you to win her back without kids. Keep DBing. I still DB in my new relationship. It is a never ending way of being.

[burned]

Trying really hard not to let the anger take over again. My marriage is nothing but paperwork. She doesn’t want to move out of the house until the semester is over. Apparently D is just a nuisance to her. Not a major problem, just a minor annoyance. “As long as H cooperates it won’t get in the way of my grades.” The woman I loved cares more about the next 3 months of school than about our 13 years together.

I’m not trying to say I’m blameless. Far from it. But at least I’m treating this like the life-changing event that it is.

[Joe2017]

Dude, unless she's just some sort of psychopath one day she is going to realize that it was a horrible ordeal. Everything happens differently for everyone. Her path is not your path anymore. Her time is coming. She may never tell you when it happens, but it will hit her eventually.

[DejaVu6]

(((Burn))). I know how you feel. My H is the same way. Thirteen years means very little... and we do have kids. It s#cks. I know you are probably sick of hearing people tell you that being young with no kids is an advantage. You are still grieving so it means nothing. In a year or two, however, you will be fully appreciating those two things. I predict that if you maintain the great changes you have made and continue to grow, you will meet a fantastic woman who will very much appreciate Burn 2.0. But, for now, you just have to focus on you and have faith that time will take care of the rest. (((HUGS)))

[burned]

NC made no diffference. S made no difference. GAL made no difference. 180s were irrelevant because of NC. I stopped trying to control her, which apparently came across as me not caring about her and not having a backbone. To be clear, I’m NOT criticizing DB. I just think in my case it wasn’t effective in saving this M.

And I should also be clear that I did all of these things with expectations, and with too much focus on her. So that’s definitely on me.

[Vapo]

NC made no diffference. S made no difference. GAL made no difference. 180s were irrelevant because of NC. I stopped trying to control her, which apparently came across as me not caring about her and not having a backbone. To be clear, I’m NOT criticizing DB. I just think in my case it wasn’t effective in saving this M.

And I should also be clear that I did all of these things with expectations, and with too much focus on her. So that’s definitely on me.

A couple of 2x4s.

From above written it is clear to me, that you pulled the D trigger just to get a response from her. Fail No. 1

NC made no diffference. S made no difference. GAL made no difference. 180s were irrelevant because of NC.

- Fail No. 2 You have been told by all the vets 2 most important things:

1. This is a marathon, not a sprint and it would be months if not years before any developments can be felt.
2. NC, GAL and 180s are for YOU and not your W.

For fcuck's sake, you pulled the D trigger and you are paving the way for your W's divorce. You are playing in her hand beautifully. I cannot wrap my brain around your statement that DB in your case wasn't effective in saving your M. Dude, you have been DB'ing a couple of months now and frankly, you kinda sucked at it. But that's OK, when I was in your time frame I probably sucked worse.

You are still doing an awful amount of mind reading. Fail No. 3 You do have a tendency to shape your mind reading so it kinda fits the facts and your expectations, that is in fact just fancy wording for lying to yourself and making excuses for yourself so you do not have to do any work. Classic avoidance that is. And also you are actively sabotaging yourself. One has to wonder if you are sabotaging yourself in other aspects of your life as well.

With all 2x4s exhausted I now have a couple of words of caution.

I am afraid that now your D is imminent, you will not realize that you need to change/grow/advance yourself. I am afraid you will end up divorced, you will mourn a bit, then you will start a new relationship on the rebound and without learning your lesson, you will end up right back here in a decade or so. I noticed on another thread that you said my words are stern, but they are keeping you in check and that made me chuckle.

Growing is hard, changing is hard, but there really is no other healthy way. I do hope you realize that in time, before you further enmesh yourself.

With words of caution exhausted, let me just finish by wishing you all the best on your further journey. All the 2x4s are used in a loving way, because I care.

All of us here are in your corner, but the direction you steer your life is ultimately yours alone.

Stay strong buddy,

V

[burned]

you pulled the D trigger just to get a response from her

It’s what she wanted, asked for, etc. I’ve been accused of being controlling, manipulative, egocentric, clinging. I give her what she wants as a first step in trying NOT to be those things.

You are playing in her hand beautifully.

Is there anything to be gained from being oppositional?

that is in fact just fancy wording for lying to yourself and making excuses for yourself so you do not have to do any work. Classic avoidance that is. And also you are actively sabotaging yourself. One has to wonder if you are sabotaging yourself in other aspects of your life as well.

You hit the nail on the head, obviously. My question is still along the same lines: if I’m learning to fight avoidance, and doing the work that I don’t want to do, namely, letting her go and giving her the D she wants...isn’t that progress, at least for me? Like, a first step so that then I can start doing the rest of the work, unencumbered by the guilt I feel for refusing to do what she asks?

I appreciate the time you take to respond. I’m doing my best but it’s a long road ahead. I’m just really, really confused by all of the different advice I get.

Anything else I can do now, or will it make it worse if I back down?

[neffer]

Hey B, Vapo did the best headshooting summary.

What else can you do? Consciously DB, for yourself, in the best, honest, direct and simply way you can. With zero expectations and focused solely on yourself.

It´s hard man, but you need to get into burninator 2.0 the sooner you can.
Keep moving B

(((hugs)))

[Joe2017]

Burned:
You should not have guilt for not giving her that she wants. You need to read some books on codependency and talk to a counselor to work on that.

If you are continually codependent, your subsequent relationships are going to have problems too.