if you don't want D why are you filing? ... You are starting to get nutty again.
Yup, it has been a nutty 24 hours.
I'm not filing. I haven't taken any steps to file. What I did was send her all of the forms with my suggested division of property. Neither of us has to file, we can just go to the courthouse and file together, serve and accept on the spot, and they bring it to the judge and (s)he signs it and we're done.
So what she has now is a rough draft of all of that. She asked for a couple changes and I said I'd make them. It would then be on her to say, "OK let's go turn it in."
So I did all of the legwork, and all she has to do now is pull the trigger. The only thing I got out of it is that I know she'll accept my lowball offer.
Also, this is probably the NGS part, but she has been very adamant about it all of a sudden since the year began, so I was sort of cooperating by giving her the information. That's my lame-o excuse.
Last edited by burned; 01/07/1907:50 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
It's for you and her, to see that you're strong and act from strength and your own morals and not reacting to her.
You're asking these questions b/c your scared. I get that, it is scary. That's why I said
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Grab ahold of your member, stand up tall and put your shoulders back, and be clear and brief
If you don't want divorce, don't push for divorce. A strong man, and woman for that matter, does what he wants to, makes a decision and doesn't look back. Look up BDE in the urban dictionary.
If she asks for suggestions, Mr. Plan B would certainly offer up a few. Mr. BDE would say "not my place" and then hang up the phone.
If you think this is pursuit, go read DR. MWD lists a bunch of forms of pursuit and not filing D is not one of them.
You know, when I was dating before my W, I always told women I was going to CALL when I was getting her number. And I told her if she didn't answer that's OK. Most men today, ok boys, play little text games and screw around on these apps. But I was looking for a real woman who wasn't screwing around. If I have to text and say this and do that just the right way, it just wasn't meant to be.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Do I explain any of my reasoning? If she says "Well then why did you send me the forms yesterday?" And what if she says "Well, too late, we're doing this, so while I have you on the phone when do you want to meet to finalize"?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I know exactly how you feel ... limbo [censored]. There are times when I want to just shove the papers in his face and have done with it. The few times my H and I have discussed D or even formalising our separation have always been instigated by me. And that is because I was hurting and hurt people do stupid things.
I think you need to understand your motivations for 'doing the leg' work. In my case it was partly because I wanted to shock him into realising what he was throwing away, partly because I wanted to regain some control of my life, and partly (and this is a large part) because I wanted him to feel the hurt I feel. If your W wants to D then she should be the one to do the work. Whether she pushes for a D because she is becoming more secure with OM or needing to secure her financial position or because is just plain being a [censored] does not matter. Her motivations are her own. You cannot control them. You can only control you. Think before you react. Understand your motivations. That is all you can control.
I will say if that she does push for the D, don't make it difficult or awkward for her - obstinance and pettiness are not attractive qualities, but one could say that drafting the paperwork yourself is also obstinant and petty.
Personally I think calling her or even texting her at this stage to say I don't want this divorce (after you've drafted and sent her the paperwork) would look indecisive and weak. Like you were playing mind games, hoping shed back down and when she didn't, got all panicky and are now back to pursuing. The horse has bolted and only she can stop it now. Don't contact her at all. Balls in her court.
What now .. follow Ovrr's advice. Continue living your life. GAL, 180 and detach. I know you've said that you've done this and it doesn't feel like it's helping but that's because you were doing it with one eye on your W. Remember you once wrote on my thread 'they can smell' that we're still waiting for them. You were right. So, this time use the tools for you. It won't mean you will miraculously forget about your W. She will still invade your thoughts. But it will happen less and less if you do the work properly. You will also find that with time, it will matter less and less whether she notices or not.
Is it entirely for me, for my sense of confidence in stating my position and then letting the chips fall?
Burned, one of the struggles we all go through is the feeling that we've lost control. I suspect that may be part of you pushing the D through as well is you want to feel like you're "in control" again. You'll get there eventually, and at that time you may very well decide you DO want to proceed with D. That's exactly what happened to me. I'm not saying that calling her is wrong, but if it were me I would probably just not say anything to her and if she asks I would tell her "I've decided to postpone it for now" rather than saying you decided it's not what you want. If she says how long then just say you don't know and you've got some thinking to do, because that's the truth.
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She'll say, "Well then how do you suggest that we proceed?"
Well, this is the tricky part. You've done all the work so if SHE wants to proceed then there's not really anything to it except file the paperwork.
if it were me I would probably just not say anything to her and if she asks I would tell her "I've decided to postpone it for now" rather than saying you decided it's not what you want. If she says how long then just say you don't know and you've got some thinking to do, because that's the truth.
That's my game plan for now. I handed her the grenade but I didn't pull the pin.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by burned
She'll say, "Well then how do you suggest that we proceed?"
Well, this is the tricky part. You've done all the work so if SHE wants to proceed then there's not really anything to it except file the paperwork.
At least now I know that if she doesn't proceed it's not because she doesn't know how.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Do I explain any of my reasoning? If she says "Well then why did you send me the forms yesterday?" And what if she says "Well, too late, we're doing this, so while I have you on the phone when do you want to meet to finalize"?
BDE. Seriously. It's a mindset, not a secret code word.
Right now you're doing something you don't want to do to gain control over something you have no control over.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
