two steps forward, three steps back (burned)

[Joe2017]

Stop seeking validation from your cheating ex wife.

[Ginger1]

Do what you want! Do what you think is right and aligned with what you want and how you want to carry yourself.

This isn't about tactics or what her reactions will be.

You are trying too hard to elicit reactions or trying to be what you think she wants you to be or do what she wants you to do.

be your own man that you can proudly look into the mirror and look at the end of the day.

[Yail]

I don't want to interrupt Burned/Vapo dialogue because it's a really good one.

Just wanted to point out this bit:

Also, there is not a single person in real life who hasn't told me I should move the process forward. "Give her what she wants, don't be a jerk, don't cling to her." So I'm told to just tell them to leave me alone about it. But then they say "Well then don't come crying to us!" And who else do I go crying to? Maybe that's the point of GAL.

This is interesting, because it's not something I have heard talked about on the boards very much. The fact that other people's support (IRL) is contingent on taking their advice. That's not a very supportive way to give advice but it highlights some of your confusion very clearly.

[AnotherStander]

It all just hurts. She really just doesn’t care, apparently. She just wants out.

Has she said or done anything since BD to make you think otherwise? Honestly Burned, I agree with Vapo and Ginger that this whole D thing is nothing more than one whopper of a temp check on your part to try and "wake her up". That is NOT a reason to push D through. If you can rationally and calmly tell yourself that you want a D and are willing to pursue it if she doesn't then that's one thing, but if you're doing it just to get a reaction then you are setting yourself up for disappointment because all you are doing is giving her exactly what she wants.

I haven’t clicked “send” yet but my next email to her is, “Sounds good, do you have time this week to meet me at the courthouse?” If it’s gonna happen anyway and she clearly wants it, it’ll be over and done before the weekend.

Sure it's what she wants RIGHT NOW. A week from now? A month from now? A year? Who knows. She doesn't even know.

Sort of feels like a Mexican standoff or some perverted game of chicken. Well, she didn’t flinch.

They never do. When you temp check a WAS it NEVER goes your way.

I guess I decided that this was a necessary step in the process. Things were stagnant. NC made no diffference. S made no difference. GAL made no difference. 180s were irrelevant because of NC. I stopped trying to control her, which apparently came across as me not caring about her and not having a backbone. To be clear, I’m NOT criticizing DB. I just think in my case it wasn’t effective in saving this M.

Your BD was 9 months ago, I know that seems like forever to you but it's highly unusual for an M to be saved in that short of a time after a BD. A lot of marriages out there are "saved" in less time, but only because they were just having some struggles, it wasn't a WAS situation. Once a spouse goes full WAS then it's a completely different ballgame with a much longer timeframe.

[burned]

this whole D thing is nothing more than one whopper of a temp check on your part to try and "wake her up". That is NOT a reason to push D through.

I see that now, and I was warned against it a couple months ago when I first started getting this urge to move things along. The pressure of external "encouragement" along with some impatience on my part, is what led to it. Then again, I've done it before and she never followed up when I backed off. Why, I don't know.

This is by far the strangest experience I've ever had, in my entire life, and I had kind of a wild time when I was in college. How can you SAY you want something, ACT consistently as if you want it, over the course of MONTHS...and yet maybe not want it? SHE is the one that needs to put her money where her mouth is, not me.

I make myself dizzy trying to figure out what she's getting out of this limbo or why she keeps kind of nudging me around. You could argue that her message about "let's get things moving" was her baiting me, and I took that bait.

So now I find myself in the position of having taken the bait, solidified my plan B status even further (I could have sworn she was getting ready to commit to OM so I don't see the reason to have me as plan B, but anyway)...and basically set the D wheels in motion. I could have listened to my gut about how "talking about D" is a control strategy rather than a decision, and suggests that she isn't going to do anything. But I was a hungry little fish. Why? Because I haven't been GALing, duh.

I'm going to just back off and wait. I'll try to stay extra busy to keep my mind off of this. I have to see what her next move will be. Then I will consult here before I do or say ANYTHING.

Picking myself back up again...

[TBSakaJ9]

In my experience your W will push for D once she is comfortable with OM. As long as him or another OM is in the picture you are firmly plan B. I am generalizing here but most women won't jump ship unless they are confident they have a place to land. My XW waited 8 months to bring up moving forward with D, she was dating the moment she moved out of the house and only pushed it forward when she found someone she was comfortable with.

[SoTorn]

I am in the same situation burned. I don't want to live like this at all. However, I don't want to file for D. I still do not want a D. However, I have been GAL and detaching like my life depends on it, because it actually does depend on it. I have gotten to a point where I am no longer anxious about wondering if WW is going to file for D. If she does, I will not hinder it.

However, at this point I have not gotten to where I will file for D. My sitch isnt that old. But I have been detaching myself almost completely from her as much as possible. I feel a lot better. I don't know when or how long it will be until its me that files for D. I do know that I am now skipping turns on the emotional roller coaster.

[ovrrnbw]

Vapo has the right of it. If she hasn't heard your voice in months call her. Email is for pansies. Grab ahold of your member, stand up tall and put your shoulders back, and be clear and brief. You are too wordy.

Say exactly what Vapo said:

"Sorry W, I've thought it over and I have come to the realization that divorce is not what I want so I will not file."

And let the chips fall where they may. You validate quickly and get off the phone quickly.

I mean this is the nicest way possible, but you are a stubborn ass to push for D when you don't want that. I have been known to be stubborn too. If you don't want to be plan B, then don't be. You guys don't live together right? Don't talk to her, don't let her cake eat, just go live your life! Kick work in the butt, kick your personal life in the butt, kick butt in the gym, talk to women and have fun! Suddenly you won't be looking so plan B'ish to everyone.

[burned]

Vapo has the right of it. If she hasn't heard your voice in months call her.

Is it entirely for me, for my sense of confidence in stating my position and then letting the chips fall?

Because other than that I'm not supposed to do anything for the sake of how she will respond. And I was told to just do things rather than say them. And how do I benefit if she hears my voice, if she is presumably repulsed by it/me/anything that has to do with me?

I'm asking these things so I can understand better. My tendency is to just take advice and run with it, so I want to really understand it first. That's a 180 for me.

She'll say, "Well then how do you suggest that we proceed?"

First voice-to-voice interaction since September when she took off her rings and I started backing off. In the meantime we've done all kinds of "negotiating" by text and email. Suddenly I call and say "I don't want this!" And isn't that pursuit? Pressure? Just tells her "I'm still here for this M." "Hi my name is Burned and I'll be your plan B, the M will still be here when you're done playing the field."

I know I'm not getting it. Please help clarify my thinking. Is it because I haven't validated in months, and she needs to hear me say "I respect your wishes"? But then I'm doing it to influence her, not me. Unless it's about being the kind of person who tells other people that he respects them and shows it?! That would be THE 180 she has always wanted since BD.

Sorry, just thinking out loud. Gotta make sure I handle this right.

[Twofeet]

B,

You have some wood nearby? A wood chair, wood table, a 2x4 lying around? Go hit your head on the wood. BONK! Better? Good, now if you don't want D why are you filing? If you do file then you are doing it for you not for her, or to get a reaction from her. You know I have said in the past you give real good advice in other ppls sitch, but you get nutty in your own. You are starting to get nutty again. Maybe read NGS and do the exercises again.

I also agree with the others. Text and email create a paper trail, but a phone call would be a good exercise in manning up.