Once we start remembering that things weren't so great after all, that is when we know we're on the path to recovery.
Boy did this ring true for me! I've put a whole lot of thought into this over the last 4 months, after I stopped the desperate pursuing to save the marriage. Although I still want to reconcile, I want a totally new relationship with H. No movement in any direction, so I still have the gift of time to continue to self-examine and evolve. I wonder if H has/is doing any of that?
/hijacking quotes from other threads instead of hijacking other threads
I’ve thought about this one, too, as soon as I saw it. I sometimes think about the things that I’ve been unhappy about (or at least tried to live with) with respect to W. I know we’ve had our periods of unhappiness, but I also know that there were good times in there. But the thought occurs to me that maybe things really weren’t that great with us.
And that maybe this is the chance for her to set me free, too. As painful and frightening as that sounds at times.
But if we do R, I do want a ‘totally new relationship’ with H. I mentioned this in a previous post—that if she were to say to me ‘ILY I made a huge mistake I’m sorry pls let us start over again’ I would tell her ‘you’ve given me a lot to think about’ and then I’d have to come up with a list of things to work on (basically, ‘demands.’) If R’ing or piecing is in the future for us (and I’m not sure right now if I want that—I go back and forth), I’d want a lot from her to know that she truly wants back in.
In my darker moments, sometimes I feel like I’ve been ‘used’ by W. When we met, she was much heavier than she is now (not saying this to fat-shame or anything; she wore it decently well, but she weighed back then about what I do now, and lost a ton of weight with 1st pregnancy), and she’s never exactly had great teeth (genetics plus a well-justified fear of the dentist). Before we got married, I bought a house for us to live in during married life, but she lived there by herself until our wedding day when I moved in—that could have totally went sideways on me, I know. She transitioned from teaching at a Catholic school, to parish work, to now working for the federal government, which meant a cross-country move, selling the house that I bought for her, and me being a stay-at-home Daddy for 6 months and then trying my hand at the job market until I found my current teaching position.
Now? She travels a lot for work, is very fulfilled by that job, lost a good amount of weight (though she gained a little of bit back with this pregnancy, but that is to be expected), and has been getting the dental work done (though it’s not finished yet, and if we end up D’ing, then who knows how she’ll pay for that, or who will care for her after those office visits, but hey that’s her choice). Plus the 2 kids, even though being pregnant with YS devastated her at first—she did NOT cry tears of joy when the pregnancy test came back positive. All this happens, and now she decides to try and cut me loose?
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I will say if that she does push for the D, don't make it difficult or awkward for her - obstinance and pettiness are not attractive qualities, but one could say that drafting the paperwork yourself is also obstinant and petty.
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What now .. follow Ovrr's advice. Continue living your life. GAL, 180 and detach. I know you've said that you've done this and it doesn't feel like it's helping but that's because you were doing it with one eye on your W. Remember you once wrote on my thread 'they can smell' that we're still waiting for them. You were right. So, this time use the tools for you. It won't mean you will miraculously forget about your W. She will still invade your thoughts. But it will happen less and less if you do the work properly. You will also find that with time, it will matter less and less whether she notices or not.
I’m not exactly wanting to make this easy for her—she thinks I’m trying to get back at her. I’m trying to detach, but also talk around some of her questions, because I don’t feel like I owe her a whole lot emotionally right now. I feel like the more appropriate metaphor is being my ‘dead weight’ that she has to drag over the finish line of her desired D. I’m not sure if this is the best attitude, but it’s kinda where I’m at right now.
But yes, detach GAL, 180, etc. I’m sure that if I keep one eye on her, she will be able to ‘smell’ that, so gotta keep looking forward—or at least keep looking at the boys.
W: I’m about to head out, need me to get either of the boys?
[At this time, I’m just about home with them—it’s a few minute drive back to our place]
W, again: I need an answer, do you have them?
Me: We are home.
W: I told you to tell me when you were on your way to get them
Alright well I thought I had explained this in your thread already but maybe I'm getting threads mixed up. Pulling back, giving time and space and detaching does not mean being cold, indifferent, rude and uncaring. Seems like a lot of people around here think the goal is to completely shut their W out and either not respond to texts about kids, or respond in cryptic ways. No matter what else happens, you two are coparents and you need to act like it. The DB'ing approach to texting is sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour later, and sometimes not at all (if it's nothing important). But what is the --goal-- of that. Well it's to make your W think you are a busy, high value guy with a lot going on in your life. But that is when you are away from home without the kids (honestly it's more a technique to use after separation, it usually backfires when you're still under the same roof). There is no point in being slow to reply if she knows you're at school with the kids, or transporting them to or from school, because she KNOWS you are not GAL'ing, so if you don't reply it just makes you look rude. So be responsive about the kids. That is not pursuit.
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I know I’ve been told I’ve been too available to her recently, but I’m trying to soak up as much time with YS right now, because she’s basically threatening to take them away for half time.
Do you mean as part of a separation? If so that's not really a threat, more of a negotiation point.
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“I really did not appreciate you not texting me back about getting the boys. I also really don’t like the non-answers, or dancing around questions or evading answers. When I ask you a question, I want a direct answer.”
She then tells me that it’s always been that way with me, that things don’t register with me or I don’t get it, and that it makes her so upset.
Me, attempting to validate: I can see that it makes you really upset.
W then accuses me doing it to get back at her, and told me that no matter where our paths lead in life, we will need to work together.
So be responsive about the kids. That is not pursuit.
Okay. Fair enough.
And you’re also right about the whole half of the time as part of a separation. It is a negotiation point, but I’m treating it as a threat, and I’m mentally preparing myself because she really wants this. And I probably shouldn’t.
A 180 would be giving her direct answers. Also working with her as best as I can. But my intent is not to get back at her—that’s not it.
I thought over the past 10-12 months I attempted to make 180s on things she wanted me to work on. But then she brought this up. Feels like it’s that I ‘always’ do this or I ‘never’ do that. That she doesn’t see (or doesn’t care to see) any sort of positive changes that I’ve made.
I thought over the past 10-12 months I attempted to make 180s on things she wanted me to work on. But then she brought this up. Feels like it’s that I ‘always’ do this or I ‘never’ do that. That she doesn’t see (or doesn’t care to see) any sort of positive changes that I’ve made.
I’ve really F’ed this up, haven’t I, A/S?
No dude, you haven't f'd it up at all. The always and never thing is pretty common in this situations, the wayward spouses often use absolutes in conversation. Another think that is quite common, but still amazes me is, the ability to rewrite history to the point that the LBS starts questioning his/her own sanity.
And again, you have not fcuked it up, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and onwards and forwards.
I thought over the past 10-12 months I attempted to make 180s on things she wanted me to work on. But then she brought this up. Feels like it’s that I ‘always’ do this or I ‘never’ do that. That she doesn’t see (or doesn’t care to see) any sort of positive changes that I’ve made.
Well yeah, welcome to WAS-land! They always speak in absolutes (always, never) and no matter what you do now it's never good enough, or it's branded as "too little too late". If they give you a list of grievances and you fix every single one, then they'll draft up another list. It's like a shooting gallery where when you shoot a target down and two more pop up. IE- you can't win. So the goal isn't to sway her now (because you can't), it's to plant seeds that may grow later.
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I’ve really F’ed this up, haven’t I, A/S?
No you are doing fine! Sorry if I made you feel that way! I'm just suggesting tweaks, it's nothing major.
No you are doing fine! Sorry if I made you feel that way! I'm just suggesting tweaks, it's nothing major.
Thanks. Looking for affirmations now wherever I can get. Kinda depressed about things with W right now. I feel like they’re kinda hopeless.
I know I’m not detached like I should, and I should be better about saying ‘goodnight’ to her (not always been doing that recently), even if there are no ILYs between us right now.
I’ve noticed some nights recently that when I go to bed, I hear her sniffle, and last night, I heard a sniffle and then she rather demonstratively flipped herself over, so that she faced away from my side of the bed.
I know I also shouldn’t notice / care, but I noticed a fru-fru beer can in our guest bathroom trash (we both shower there because YS sleeps in a pack-and-play in our room for the time being). I wasn’t looking for evidence—it’s right there on top of the trash, but still more drinking in the shower, even on a work night.
[quote=AnotherStander] I know I also shouldn’t notice / care, but I noticed a fru-fru beer can in our guest bathroom trash (we both shower there because YS sleeps in a pack-and-play in our room for the time being). I wasn’t looking for evidence—it’s right there on top of the trash, but still more drinking in the shower, even on a work night.
A WS/WAS/MLC who is struggling probably mentally, but definitely emotionally. The people that I know who would drink in the shower were typically alcoholics and/or people using it as a coping mechanism.
My W who was never much of a drinker started going out to the bars and driving home intoxicated. No idea if she still does it now as she lives in her own house. Just be aware.
Last edited by Twofeet; 01/08/1904:57 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Typical of a wayward wife situation. They seem to crave for that buzz. The buzz of slight intoxication, the buzz of a secret affair, some even start experimenting with lighter drugs (weed,...). The point is they really sound, look and act like they are possessed. The telltale sign is the eyes, when the look in their eyes is empty. This really is quite terrifying. This phenomenon is called shark eyes, pretty much everyone describes the empty eyes. Another couple of symptoms are:
- obsessive exercise, - completely different look (radically different hair style, different youngish clothes, tattoos, piercings,...), - taking up learning a new musical instrument, - if their parents had marital problems, it is quite likely that they will also, - drinking, - smoking, - looking up long lost friends or boyfriends from years ago. .
