.[/quote]Most of the time it is advised not to snoop because the LBS is not able to emotionally handle the pain from what they find. I know some people have forgotten to take a cell phone out of silent mode after fully charging it and accidentally left it in the family car that their spouse normally drives. They used the goggle tracking feature to find it and noticed the car had gone to some unexpected places.[/quote]
Had a great GAL day today, worked on some fun projects at the house with the kids, hit the gym for a massive workout, then met a few friends at the shooting range with a few beers after. Neither friend knows about the coming D. Great to hang out with the fellas and talk smart, good for the head and the soul.
No R talk with W, but the issue of telling the kids will likely be coming up again very soon. I’m considering setting up a consult with a child psychologist to discuss how to tell the kids, let W know about this and say she can join if she wants. It’s only the most crushing conversation we will have with the kids, should be really well thought out. Any thoughts on this approach?
Also, is there a consensus opinion on whether I should take lead on all the action items to come, like selecting a mediator, finding a RE appraiser to give a home value, proposal for splitting of assets, proposed custody schedule, etc? As an Alpha I am prepared to take control, but if I should lay back and tell W it’s all on her to do everything and I will evaluate the info she provides I can play it that way. I am certainly not planning on initiating forward momentum on any of these issues, but I just want to have an idea of the right strategy when W presses to move forward.
No R talk with W, but the issue of telling the kids will likely be coming up again very soon. I’m considering setting up a consult with a child psychologist to discuss how to tell the kids, let W know about this and say she can join if she wants. It’s only the most crushing conversation we will have with the kids, should be really well thought out. Any thoughts on this approach?
Sounds like a great plan.
There have been many discussion about this topic here as well. Search through twofeet thread.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Also, is there a consensus opinion on whether I should take lead on all the action items to come, like selecting a mediator, finding a RE appraiser to give a home value, proposal for splitting of assets, proposed custody schedule, etc? As an Alpha I am prepared to take control, but if I should lay back and tell W it’s all on her to do everything and I will evaluate the info she provides I can play it that way. I am certainly not planning on initiating forward momentum on any of these issues, but I just want to have an idea of the right strategy when W presses to move forward.
I believe your strategy is to do things based off your core values. Do things that Protect your Kids, Yourself and that relationship first, and then protects W, and finally protects the Relationship with W.
I believe most let the wayward spouse do the "Heavy lifting". I am not sure if that is the best decision for everyone. I think the important part is evaluating all your choices. Conciser the pros and cons of each. Make a decision, and life with the consequences of your choice.
What are the pros/cons of you taking the lead?
Negotiate right off the bat:
Find 3 mediators that you think would be good, ask wife to pick one, or suggest 3 different one for you to pick from.
H:"W, I know we will disagree about some things going through this. I believe it is best that we agree on a mediator up front. I found 3 that I would be willing to use. Do any of these work for you? If not, please supply me a few that you would be willing to use and I will consider them. "
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks R2C. I believe I am going take the lead on each issue. W has pressed for some progress and step one is telling the kids. I will therefore advise W that I want to consult with a psychologist first and she is welcome to join.
Regarding who gets the house, it is doubtful W or I have the capacity to buy each other out, but her parents have the means to help her buy me out and that is likely what will happen. I am not in a rush to get to this point as my monthly expenses will rise dramatically once we settle. The extra expenses are inevitable, but every month we have IHS is more money I can save.
I find myself fluctuating between being friendly with W, cracking the occasional joke to which she laughs, but later being withdrawn and cold. When I am the latter, W comments to the effect that this is more of the same from me. I don't feel like I am pulling off the "be a man she would be crazy to leave" enough of the time. I need to defrost more. It's hard because not only am I not an overt pursuer, but in all prior R's I have had the air of "if you don't want me somebody else surely will" and "there's the door if you want out" mentality. Not intending to pursue here at all, just need a defrost.
I’m considering setting up a consult with a child psychologist to discuss how to tell the kids, let W know about this and say she can join if she wants.
Overkill. Be strong, tell the kids frankly and gently.
Obviously you can do and think what you want, but does a strong man need a psychologist to tell him how to talk to his children?
I also can see your W taking this as you blaming her or shaming her.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks ovr. I think W is concerned about how the conversation will go and afraid that I will throw her under the bus. Not happening that way. I am not planning on expressly saying "WE have decided", probably going to go with something more vague. MWD wrote an article on this very issue, where she addresses the conflict facing the LBS in adapting a misleading narrative. It's a fine line to walk, but when in doubt I think to err on the side of whatever is best for the kids is the answer.
Just don't lie. The WS will want to blame shift or try to come out smelling like roses despite being the one who likes to wallow in the sty. Kids aren't dumb, they will figure it out, so don't base your R with the kids on a lie. Read my sitch, telling the kids was one of the worst days of my life. I don't buy into the kids are resilient B.S. W and I have been pretty amicable as far as kids go, but they still feel the effects. Hell S3 believe it or not is starting to say things that are heartbreaking and act uncharacteristically. Read RyanHun's sitch his D was having all sorts of problems. Its the long term effects you don't necessarily see now that bother me. Once you BD your kids get them some therapy. Unless there is something like abuse and the safety of the kids at risk, then the kids are the real losers. Just my opinion.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
TF - thank you. Zero chance of me lying or misleading in some way. If my W's hyper-critical and controlling behavior continues into the kids' adolescence, they may begin to appreciate what I went through. I take no pleasure in it whatsoever. It's very conflicting however as she is a great mom in many respects and they really favor her so far. That hurts but it's true.
I also don't buy the "resilient kid" BS, but in DBing fashion I can only control me and will do the best I can do in my time and R with them. Damage control and working hard to make lemons out of lemonade. My heart breaks for them but i'm a rock for them. ROCK.
“I also don't buy the "resilient kid" BS, but in DBing fashion I can only control me and will do the best I can do in my time and R with them. Damage control and working hard to make lemons out of lemonade. My heart breaks for them but i'm a rock for them. ROCK.”
This. I have a real hard time believing the whole ‘resilient kids’ idea. But yes, DB’ing is about controlling myself and building myself up for them. Thank you for the reminder.
