Gekko, good list! I agree with R2C on the compliments. Avoid anything related to appearance or "sexiness". Compliment her on her work skills, or parenting skills, what a great friend she is to others, things like that.
Good- "That's awesome that you helped your friend with her daughter when she was sick, I bet she really appreciates having a great friend like you."
Bad- "Wow your boobs look huge in that!" ;-)
Thanks AS. In general I want to make W feel good about herself. I will focus on insightful compliments when the opportunity presents. No forced or contrived compliments, she will see right through them. And nothing about appearance unless she asks for an opinion.
You know what to do then. Make the 180. I bet YOU will feel better for it, and be a happier person.
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I feel like one instance of me being unnecessarily terse completely wipes out ALL progress with the many other 180's I am doing well with.
It kind of does. It's crazy how quickly the good deeds can be forgotten when you revert to an old, ingrained behavior that reminds her why she is leaving. 180, 180, 180.
The behavior is indeed ingrained. I 2x4 myself as the words come out sometimes. I guess many of us have our hard-case 180's that we wrestle with, this one is mine. I do know what to do and need absolute consistency with it. Stop being a terse ahole for no reason other than to wave the alpha flag. Being alpha doesn't mean being an ahole. Don't conflate the two. Get it together man!
I feel like one instance of me being unnecessarily terse completely wipes out ALL progress with the many other 180's I am doing well with. It's that bad in my mind.
Yes we all have thoughts like that. But no single thing got you here and no single thing is going to alter the course either. You got here through months or (more likely) years of your W feeling neglected. Turning it around takes months or years of changed behavior. Don't beat yourself up over the past, just keep moving forward!
YEARS. Oh yeah, most definitely YEARS.
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It's more of the same to W and it reinforces her decision to D. I feel like I can backslide on a 180 like "Increased Thank You's and Appreciation of W" without a huge effect, but there is no margin for error on my 180 to Defrost and Be Pleasant.
It's never too late to do a 180. Whether you do a 180 the day after BD or 10 months after doesn't really matter because brother, you already got BD'd. So ANY 180 is an improvement, right? Think of it this way, over time you are showing your W more and more 180's. If you hit her with them all at once then they would just look fake. But slow improvement over time looks more genuine.
AS this is a really good and important point I think. Not to go too over the top with Super H 180's in her face. Don't be contrived, be organic. It's nuanced I believe. I need to modify my communication style but it has to come out naturally, not scripted. Fake it til you make it but "make it" ASAP. Ingrain the new and improved into the fibers of me.
So I was listening to a podcast this a.m. with two very well known M therapists regarding Attraction. They agreed that when a W reaches the point of disgust/repulsion, they do not see R's come back from that. If a W is indifferent, that can be overcome, but not disgust. Too far gone. One of them described the WAW scenario where the W has grieved the end of the M for quite a while, has completely detached, and that recovery from that does not happen. My W just two days ago used the word "disgust" when describing her feelings, and I could see in her face that it was true.
Feeling kind of down right now as the deep hole I'm in is becoming more apparent. The podcast is not going to stop me from DBing, and it actually had a number of great tips that I will use going forward. I think what I heard in the podcast, while initially disturbing, may ultimately help me to truly detach.
They agreed that when a W reaches the point of disgust/repulsion, they do not see R's come back from that.
Probably b/c they encourage their clients to pursue and be open and honest while they pursue a person who is currently feeling disgusted. But WAS didn't always feel that way, and feelings can change. Usually it's the LBS who won't get out of the way and let those feelings come back.
Believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see isn't just for cheating spouses, it's for everyone you encounter.
Don't worry about that crap at all. Go get a life, be the best you, and be happy. Or be a downer and dwell on what you cannot change.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
They agreed that when a W reaches the point of disgust/repulsion, they do not see R's come back from that.
Oh but they sometimes do. Read some of Steve's early posts to see what his W thought of him. Or TXHubby, his W was brutal to him. I have a friend whose W left him in complete disgust and moved in with OM. They sold their house, closed their business and went no contact for almost 2 years. Then she texted him out of the blue which led to more talking, dating and finally reconciling. I snooped early on after BD and found a message my ex had sent saying her worst nightmare was thinking about getting terminally ill and having me take care of her. WORST NIGHTMARE! We didn't recon but our relationship is vastly improved and much different than it was after BD, now she tells people about what a great man I am both with me present and behind my back. This is a small sampling of course, but my point is it does happen. Be very wary of people who speak in absolutes.
To change the way they feel about you, you must change the way they think about you.
How do you do that? Most of us vets give the same advice in different words. The easiest and very productive way of changing the way your WAS thinks about you is to - agree with them (validate), drop the rope (let them go), and GAL (take care of yourself, become interesting). When someone comes in my office and is upset about their account the easiest way for me to calm them down is to agree with them. Now they can't be mad at me because we are on the same side of the table. If I try to tell them why they shouldn't be upset (logic) how are they going to respond?
I am focused on refining my DBing and moving forward. Waiting for the W to initiate R talk again, doubt I will make it through the weekend before D-prep comes up, including telling the kids, who gets the house, custody plan etc. I will keep the board posted and be back to get more input.
I have run some numbers and there is no chance I can buy W out of the house. She has said one of us needs to keep it for the kids and I agree. I know her parents have $$ so I expect them to buy me out. It will suck hard to move out I will tell you that. I will have to step down to a much smaller, older place to be able to afford it in my town. Might have to rent for awhile as there is not much inventory for sale. I would hate to rent for a year or two and then buy, as the kids would just be getting used to my rental place when I pull them up and move them again. I'm still working through a strategy to avoid this outcome, I would like to make just one move and settle in for the long haul.
Waiting for the W to initiate R talk again, doubt I will make it through the weekend before D-prep comes up, including telling the kids, who gets the house, custody plan etc.
W:"H, bla bla bla tell the kids bla bla bla" H:"W, I think it is best to tell the kids after we have a written parenting plan that we both agree about. Have you done any research on what would be the best for our kids considering their ages?"
in my case, X wanted the house. I did not. I agreed to move out of house once we had a 50/50 parenting plan in place.
365/2 = 182 days a year
1) week on week off works when the kids are older We have exchanges Friday afternoon. IE the kids are ending the week with Mother and it is now fathers week.
2) We also have a "Dinner Visit" Is was on Tuesdays. Kids get off school and come to my house during her week, then go back at 830p. Not to many days in a row that the kids go without seeing the other parent.
This also worked really well for the work week. I could put longer work days in on tuesday/Friday one week, and longer days Mon/Wed/Thurs the next week. I would lean toward this if I were you. DO NOT MAKE THIS THE FIRST SUGGESTION.
There are other standard arrangements you can look at.
Always with you on Mon/Tues With W on Wed/Thur alternate the F/S/S 5/2 split.
Exceptions to normal:
Xmas Day/ Xmas eve (maybe longer period if you want to travel the see grandparents) Thanksgiving
Birthdays (Kids/parents) Fathersday/Mothersday
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks R2C. I am mulling over what I want to do about custody. I am hearing that kids that are the same age as mine do better with more frequent hand-offs (every 2-3 days) so they are not apart from either parent for too long. I think I want a set schedule every week so the kids are with me on the same days of the week consistently. This would require one day each week the W and I alternate. W has not proposed anything yet.
W did just ask if I would look into mediators and I said sure. I am going to talk to a L for me and also get some mediator recommendations. I am not anywhere near ready to mediate and will tell W so when I give her the names. Until I have decided what I want, there is nothing to mediate.
Otherwise, DBing is going well, I am not as frosty to W, cracking jokes
