Thanks Adam. I actually feel really good about myself. I haven't even had an urge to be hurt or sad lately.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Been kind of lazy the last few days. Work has just been insane so I am absolutely spent by the time I get home. I left work yesterday and went to get a piece of trim on my car fixed and as I was waiting WW messaged me asking if i was coming home after work. It was a direct question so i responded with no. WW asked what time and I gave an estimated time.
Then WW started calling me over and over. I needed my phone so I answered and she said "you need to stop ignoring my texts!" WTF I literally just actually responded to you WW.
WW then tells me she has "people" in town and wanted to go to dinner with them. I just said "ok, go". Again no clue why she would care when I would be home or why she would even care if I knew she would want to go to dinner but oh well. I guess it was sort of logistic related so my kids weren't home alone even though she had zero issue in the past with them being home alone.
Anyway. No arguing or anything which is good. I cooked dinner last night and just enjoyed my kids company. Spoke with D16 last night and she asked me when I was going to start dating lol. D16 is pissed at WW and 100% feels that I should have already filed. I just responded with "all in good time".
Going to be another very busy day at work. I hope I can get to the gym.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Is it wrong that I have been seriously considering filing for D myself? I am not mad, upset, resentful or sad right now. I am really just feeling like I want to be single and enjoy my life. I have slept on it and slept on it. Yes my sitch is young. But I'm going to be 39 this year. Do I want to spend the rest of my 30s hoping for something that's not there to come back? Do I even want to bother with trying to piece?
I'll be honest and admit that conflict and arguing happened often due to both my lack of communication and WWs. Should I be happy that this is an out? I mean I have a [censored] ton of life left and yet life is so so precious. I stand next to my WW and feel no draw, no attraction or love.
I just want to be happy and I haven't been for a very long time.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I don’t think it is wrong ST. In fact, I would give anything to stand next to my WAH and feel no draw, no attraction and no love. If that is how you truly feel and it is what she says she wants, than maybe it is for the best. However, if there is a part of you that is still not sure, then there is no rush. It is a big decision.
You seem to be speaking from a place of quiet reflection. Since there is no immediate rush, I suggest you do spend at least a few more weeks in this contemplative mode.
Thanks Yail. I plan on giving myself a bit more. I haven't done anything. I just dont really feel like staying and hoping is worth it for my happiness.
It's nice not arguing. I enjoy my solitude. We shall see.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Is it wrong that I have been seriously considering filing for D myself? I am not mad, upset, resentful or sad right now. I am really just feeling like I want to be single and enjoy my life.
Well like Amoafwl said your path to enjoying life isn't tied to D. Maybe you have a personal belief that you shouldn't date while married which is fine, but after going through something like this you first need to spend some time alone (no dating) to recenter yourself and find out how to love yourself. Usually when I say that someone throws in a stupid masturbation joke but it's a serious issue. After BD and the aftermath we all struggle with liking ourselves again. We have low self-esteem. We think if our spouse of years or decades can't love us then who can. Basically we hate ourselves. We can't jump into another R to "fill that hole" although many of us try. First we have to learn to be happy with who we are again, and satisfied that we don't -need- someone else in our lives even if we might -want- them.
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But I'm going to be 39 this year. Do I want to spend the rest of my 30s hoping for something that's not there to come back?
If you are laying awake at night worrying about recon then I promise D won't make that go away. It'll probably replace it with you laying awake at night worrying about whether you made the wrong choice to push the D through. And 39 is nothing to worry about, I was 50 at BD and I've had a very full and exciting life since S and D.
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I just want to be happy and I haven't been for a very long time.
Sit down and make a list of reasons you haven't been happy and things that you think will make you happy. I imagine D won't fix the reasons you aren't happy, and won't prevent you from doing the things you think will make you happy but maybe it will. But regardless, the list should give you a game plan moving forward.
