Whirlwind of Hurt 7

[LH19]

After M ex had filed I received an opportunity to move to Cali and would have been near her sister.

Just found out at Christmas her brother is moving out there. She's stuck here alone for at least another 11 years.

Oh those choices we make lol!

[Ready2Change]

Get a written job offer before approaching X. Let company know that your decision will be based on X willing to relocate as well.

[AnotherStander]

My children are my anchor, and I could never imagine leaving them. Has anyone successfully negotiated a move with the Ex? Everything is so darn fresh I don't even know if I should even approach her on the topic.

What do you mean, what is it you want to negotiate? Visitation? I mean she can't keep you from moving, but if you do you will likely give up your parental rights. I would think about all you could negotiate is seeing them once a month or so. I have two friends (in different states) who were both required to have a clause in their D decrees that if either party moved beyond a certain radius then they would surrender their parental rights. That wasn't in mine (I'm in TX) so I think it varies.

EDIT- Just read R2C's post, are you thinking about trying to get her to move there too? That makes more sense then what I was thinking above. Not sure you would have much luck with it, but if the opportunity is that good then I don't think it would hurt to ask. I would make it clear to her that you haven't accepted the position and are just running it past her for her thoughts.

[Twofeet]

My children are my anchor, and I could never imagine leaving them. Has anyone successfully negotiated a move with the Ex? Everything is so darn fresh I don't even know if I should even approach her on the topic.

What do you mean, what is it you want to negotiate? Visitation? I mean she can't keep you from moving, but if you do you will likely give up your parental rights. I would think about all you could negotiate is seeing them once a month or so. I have two friends (in different states) who were both required to have a clause in their D decrees that if either party moved beyond a certain radius then they would surrender their parental rights. That wasn't in mine (I'm in TX) so I think it varies.

I mean negotiating with her to follow me. Due to the nature of my work my job is common to certain regions of the U.S. (and the world). Her job on the other hand is found everywhere. So even in our MR I couldn't always follow her, but she could always follow me.

Edit: If she won't follow me I won't go. I would never give up custody/parental rights.

[Did]

Focusing on being your best self. Be true to yourself and life will send you what’s meant to be for you. Success a partner etc. Do you love your job? Do you meditate / visualize the things you want in life? Do you focus on problems and negatives or positives and small consistent actions to reach your long term goals. Every relationship is 50% you and 50 your partner don’t take all the blame. Turn your regrets into lessons. Fail forwards. My separation has been almost 20 months and at times had a serious negative affect on my health. Maybe it’s better to be short. Every morning use an I am statement to say something good about yourself and your future. Repeat it 3 times. Visualize 3 things you’re grateful for in the past and 3 things you’re hopeful for in the future. Thanks for coming in on my sitch. I’ve learned a lot and still struggle with DB and how to interact with the mother of my child and woman I thought I’d spend my life with. All the best. I hate divorce but it can open doors instead of close them. Good luck, cheers!

[Twofeet]

Hey Did thanks for the words of encouragement. Since I am on here I will comment and share some of my current thoughts. I do love my job, it's a lifestyle as much as it is a career. It gives me purpose outside of my family. I am a glass is half full guy, it helps me bounce back and move forward with that type of PMA. While every R is 50/50 sometimes the outcome just isn't 50/50. I understand my failures, but I don't think I was 50% culpable for the end result. She had been chasing external happiness and running from her internal demons for some time now. Unfortunately, myself and our MR became the next target of her pursuit. If I realized my failures could I help her overcome her issues? Maybe, but also maybe the end result would have been delayed. She appears outwardly happy now, but that is just until her shiny new thing wears off. We had interactions I posted here that shows the cracks in her armor. I am indeed concerned for her, but my job as the H is over. It's time for me and the kids only. I do hope for a recon down the road, but that would require a lot of growing up to do on her part. I am just not sure that is going to happen.

Just a quick update. I signed on Tues. it was rubber stamped and became official on Thursday. The mediator said it was the fastest turnaround they have ever seen. I was bummed so I went night skiing that night to get my mind off it. I have the kids this weekend and we have plans so that is good. Still working on detachment as I battle the thoughts of what she is doing as a new divorcee this weekend. Probably out celebrating. Fortunately, I can squash the runaway thoughts better. The emotional raucous these thoughts cause are a lot quieter and while they bum me out the dont set me off in a tailspin.

[Did]

Hey TwoFeet just wanted to thank you for chiming in on my sitch. You seem very level headed. I dont know what advice to give. You saw on my post that we facetimed and saw her at a guys place looking good and I felt hurt and jealous. This is almost 20 months in so more power to you for accepting things faster. If she is out partying as a divorcee its shallow and empty. Not true happiness, love or meaningful physical interactions. I know the same thing in my sitch but emotionally it still affects me.

My W is the same way with appearing outwardly happy. But she has told me she feels like she has no reason to get up, nothing to offer the world but pain. And has jumped from guy to guy since weve been separated never being alone more than the first couple months and always texting with men. I allowed myself to be manipulated and enabled her.

Time to work towards our goals. Live our best lives. Do you have changes you want to continue to make? Are you living with passion and purpose?

Anyway, cheers hope you have a great night.

[LH19]

What's new TF?

[Twofeet]

Hey LH,

I bought an app to do guided meditation a few times a week.

I am still picking up heavy things 3 days a week, and while my gains are still going up my weight has plateaued at 173lbs so I need to slightly increase my calories. Target is a lean 185lbs. Right after BD in Sept the divorce diet caused me to drop to 157lbs Last time I was that light was early college way before MR.

Still night skiing 1 to 2 times a week.

Wanted to do yoga and XW left me a yoga mat when she moved out in the beginning of Nov. Shuffled my feet on it till 2 weeks ago when D8 told me that mommy keeps a yoga mat in her car, does yoga, and said that our daughters can occasionally go do it with her. Well I thought if XW is doing yoga why aren't I. So I went and signed up for Hot Yoga and I do that 2 times a week. While my motivation to do it was not the best it has been one of the best decisions I have made. It is a bit hard, very hot and uncomfortable, but I feel great afterwards. The boost in mental, emotional, and physical wellness from hot yoga is amazing. PMA for sure. Oh and the majority of women participating in these classes are great eye candy. There is also a lot of socializing pre and post class, so lots of opportunities to talk to women. Also the dudes who do hot yoga are all pretty cool.

Still need to work on my social GAL. This is kind of the next step in growth for me.

Built a website, blog, and Instagram account (I still dislike SM) for my side gig. I already had 2 clients, but I want to try to grow it to 5 this year if possible. I met with a prospective client last weekend, but he is probably a year out from needing to hire me.

A married woman from my industry who I associate with through industry functions (I mentioned her here before) has decided she wants to be my match maker. She told me she has a friend and thinks we would make a great couple. Caveat was this lady was still M and going through a D. I want no part of that because I find it morally wrong, as well as wrong for more reasons than I need to list. When matchmaker friend told me the dirty details of this woman's D I instinctively rolled my eyes. She was kind of dumbstruck so I said I am not ready to date as I have some personal growth and healing to do from my D. She said to let her know when I am ready because she said she knows plenty of women who would like to date a guy like me. It was very flattering and good to know I have a "in."

On my days with the kids I try to find games and activities to do with them or at least focus on doing things together or in the same room. I keep a strong focus on school work for D8 and make sure she keeps up on her reading. I also read to D5 and S3 or have D8 read to them. Once spring is here GAL with kids will open up more. I also have been working on giving the kids small and easy chores/duties (clear your plates after dinner, help me fold towels, clean your rooms, etc) and I work on there manners and picking up after themselves. At my house I am trying to teach them independence at a young age. Not sure how this will work in the long run as XW does everything for them at her place.

Still going to church every Sunday, usually meeting XMIL there. This past Sunday she expressed concern for the kids and XW ability to parent properly. She wanted to make sure XW and I were communicating and I told her we do but it can be difficult (usually it is one way communication about kids, me to XW but didn't tell XMIL this). XMIL is concerned XW is spoiling kids in an attempt to basically not deal with them. XW is doing this, but it's not a discussion I am going to have with XMIL.

S3 keeps wanting to know when mommy is going to live with me again. D5 has been hitting a lot lately and she also occasionally comes running into my bedroom at night crying about XW and I and our divorce. D8 seems to be doing ok, but she has her moments. I still have frequent dreams of XW. I miss her and I miss her love, comfort, and companionship. It's sad, but nothing I can do except move forward.

Dealing with XW can be a PITA. I just got the kids yesterday from XW. We bath the kids M, W, F, then Sat or Sun. Well the kids hadn't been bathed since I did it on W. S3 was in the same clothes I put him in on Friday, our handoff day, thank heaven the girls can change themselves. His pull up was soaked in pee cause XW said she forgot to change him. She isn't attempting to potty train him, and I am the only one doing it and S3 has gone backwards since D. XW had complained about school costs (despite making a lot more than me) and still owes a partial payment of her portion of Dec expenses. She could have payed it if she didn't just drop $400 to $500 in tablets and cases for all 3 kids. Well in MR D8 had a tablet that all 3 shared, it's still ar my house. It has a child monitoring app that has limited times they can use it and restricts what they can view. I told XW it's a paid for app and she can put it her tablets. She didn't want it as so when the kids are at her house all they do is sit in front of there tablets all day. Likely so she doesn't have to deal with them. So frustrating. At least she is feeding them full meals now.

Not going into too much detail on here about the difficulty of trying to get taxes, insurance for kids, or other financial pieces with XW buttoned up. She asks for reminders, I give them and she does nothing. I told her yesterday at the handoff that the longer she waits the more money it costs. She is trying hard to portray a awesome happy life and when I am not as detached it makes me feel like garbage. However, with the finances convo we had yesterday I see chunks in her armor.

[LH19]

I bought an app to do guided meditation a few times a week.

I meditate everyday for at least 5 minutes. It really helps with anxiety. Mine is pretty much gone. Once you go through a divorce nothing scares you anymore.

I am still picking up heavy things 3 days a week, and while my gains are still going up my weight has plateaued at 173lbs so I need to slightly increase my calories. Target is a lean 185lbs. Right after BD in Sept the divorce diet caused me to drop to 157lbs Last time I was that light was early college way before MR.

How tall are you?

Wanted to do yoga and XW left me a yoga mat when she moved out in the beginning of Nov. Shuffled my feet on it till 2 weeks ago when D8 told me that mommy keeps a yoga mat in her car, does yoga, and said that our daughters can occasionally go do it with her. Well I thought if XW is doing yoga why aren't I. So I went and signed up for Hot Yoga and I do that 2 times a week. While my motivation to do it was not the best it has been one of the best decisions I have made. It is a bit hard, very hot and uncomfortable, but I feel great afterwards. The boost in mental, emotional, and physical wellness from hot yoga is amazing. PMA for sure. Oh and the majority of women participating in these classes are great eye candy. There is also a lot of socializing pre and post class, so lots of opportunities to talk to women. Also the dudes who do hot yoga are all pretty cool.

I dabble in Yoga but to be honest with you it is harder for me then CrossFit. I am not flexible at all. Agree completely with the scenery lol.

Built a website, blog, and Instagram account (I still dislike SM) for my side gig. I already had 2 clients, but I want to try to grow it to 5 this year if possible. I met with a prospective client last weekend, but he is probably a year out from needing to hire me.

Awesome!

A married woman from my industry who I associate with through industry functions (I mentioned her here before) has decided she wants to be my match maker.

Yep. They will be coming out of the wood work.

On my days with the kids I try to find games and activities to do with them or at least focus on doing things together or in the same room. I keep a strong focus on school work for D8 and make sure she keeps up on her reading. I also read to D5 and S3 or have D8 read to them. Once spring is here GAL with kids will open up more. I also have been working on giving the kids small and easy chores/duties (clear your plates after dinner, help me fold towels, clean your rooms, etc) and I work on there manners and picking up after themselves. At my house I am trying to teach them independence at a young age. Not sure how this will work in the long run as XW does everything for them at her place.

You're a great Dad and the kids will thank you for it later!

keeps wanting to know when mommy is going to live with me again. D5 has been hitting a lot lately and she also occasionally comes running into my bedroom at night crying about XW and I and our divorce. D8 seems to be doing ok, but she has her moments. I still have frequent dreams of XW. I miss her and I miss her love, comfort, and companionship. It's sad, but nothing I can do except move forward.

Yep that can be tough but it will get easier as time goes by.

Dealing with XW can be a PITA. I just got the kids yesterday from XW. We bath the kids M, W, F, then Sat or Sun. Well the kids hadn't been bathed since I did it on W. S3 was in the same clothes I put him in on Friday, our handoff day, thank heaven the girls can change themselves. His pull up was soaked in pee cause XW said she forgot to change him. She isn't attempting to potty train him, and I am the only one doing it and S3 has gone backwards since D.

That is unacceptable and you will have to address it with her.

You are doing great! One day at a time.