Feelings constantly change. Keep moving forward using logic and your core values.
Read your response last night but didn't respond. But it has been bouncing around in my head.
This is exactly what sets apart those that try to stay in their marriage and fix things, and a walkaway mindset. The book I am reading makes this point. That society, government, peer-pressure, etc have all made taking the easy way out (DIVORCE) so much more appealing than sticking in and doing the hard work of saving a marriage. In fact, due to so many states now supporting no-fault divorce, this thinking even goes into pre-marriage. "If it turns out I don't like being married to this person, I'll just leave them and find someone new."
Let me tell you, as I've struggled with the walkaway mindset for about a month now, I understand how strong these feelings can be. "The grass is greener." "So-and-so got a D and they seem so much happier and free now." The bombardment of divorce being a freeing experience in popular media. (Look at the recent spat of shows about divorce!) You start to see staying married as a life of misery and no hope. And getting a divorce as being a bright, sunny future.
The book I am reading specifically sets out to undo these myths. The grass isn't greener. So and so isn't so much happier. And divorce is not the freeing experience, especially when kids are involved, that pop culture would like us to believe.
The difference between staying and leaving is to understand that these feelings will make you believe the former and ignore the latter. I think most walkaway spouses end up regretting their decision to D.
These are the things I keep thinking about. I think God sent this latest book into my life to open my eyes back up to what I already knew to be true. R2C, thank you for pointing out the permanence of logic and core values over the temporal nature of feelings!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve...just wanted to say man that I think it's great that you are stepping back and looking back at all the angles of your sitch holistically. Besides being the right thing for you I think, given your stature on these forums many, many others are able to get a much better overall picture of BD/WW, R'ing and the true realities of divorce for each of them in their respective situations.
as I've said before, don't make rash decisions...in effect you are "doing the work" on a macro level now and that's going to take time.
I'd like to read that book. It's so crazy how our minds just change. Once we have something, it's no longer what we want. Our brains are wired so that we are never happy, never satisfied. And we have to fight that every day, and in some ways it fuels us.
That's why I say humans are just animals. A lot of what we do doesn't make sense, but it's on us to use the big brain and be more than animals. Every one of us has to do this for it to really work. It reminds of this old quote:
"No drop of water thinks itself responsible for the flood".
But people, like water droplets, do what other people do. So setting that positive example means others will follow.
Steve, I hope you keep working hard to figure out who you are and who you want to be. Good luck on this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
OK, great update. Happy for you brother! I will continue to pray for you and S3.
Not sure if you have read my threads at all lately, but I've been struggling a bit. Piecing is a lot harder than I ever imagined. I just hope it works out because for me to get your place would probably mean I am 2 years away from if and when another BD ever occurred. No indication right now one will, but wow this stuff weighs on you.
So happy for you being so happy! Hope you had a very Merry Christmas and wish you the best in the New Year!
Steve I am very confused! Sounds like you think another bomb will be dropped on you. I thought you were thinking of dropping one on your W. Please clarify.
Steve, I have been away from these threads and it appears that there has been a change in your sitch. I have scanned back and don't seem to be able to find where the change happened. I hope that this is just another growing pain and that it signals more positive growth. Prayers
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Thanks RR! I really appreciate it. Nothing really has changed other than me struggling with my own walkaway mindset since late November, early December. Working through it. I think you're right, it's about more growth. Just more work I need to do!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The book I am reading makes this point. That society, government, peer-pressure, etc have all made taking the easy way out (DIVORCE) so much more appealing than sticking in and doing the hard work of saving a marriage. In fact, due to so many states now supporting no-fault divorce, this thinking even goes into pre-marriage. "If it turns out I don't like being married to this person, I'll just leave them and find someone new."
Let me tell you, as I've struggled with the walkaway mindset for about a month now, I understand how strong these feelings can be. "The grass is greener." "So-and-so got a D and they seem so much happier and free now." The bombardment of divorce being a freeing experience in popular media. (Look at the recent spat of shows about divorce!) You start to see staying married as a life of misery and no hope. And getting a divorce as being a bright, sunny future.
The book I am reading specifically sets out to undo these myths. The grass isn't greener. So and so isn't so much happier. And divorce is not the freeing experience, especially when kids are involved, that pop culture would like us to believe.
The difference between staying and leaving is to understand that these feelings will make you believe the former and ignore the latter. I think most walkaway spouses end up regretting their decision to D.
These are the things I keep thinking about. I think God sent this latest book into my life to open my eyes back up to what I already knew to be true. R2C, thank you for pointing out the permanence of logic and core values over the temporal nature of feelings!
Steve, I want to point out that you are dealing with an exceptional situation. A WAS is someone who leaves a S who is committed to the M and doesn't know anything is going on inside the WAS's mind before BD is dropped.
In your case, you've been dealing with a S who is not committed as much and who is probably not trying hard enough, while you have been giving it everyone you got. You are totally justified to be drained and tired.
It's good that you are reading this book, but I don't think you are discovering that stuff for the first time. I'm pretty sure we've already had several chats in the past about these same topics. And if I remember correctly, you already knew that stuff about society influencing this trend and that the grass is not greener.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You deserve a break.. but hang in there and keep faith alive.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Steve, if it is any consolation at all, I think many of us here yearn to be in your position of actually piecing and trying to work out the difficulties that accompany many marriages. Speaking for myself, I would rather be piecing than waiting.
