My W knows that D is going to be hard on the kids, and the fact that she is pulling the trigger is an indication of how unhappy she is/has been in the M. She is a child of divorce and she made it through okay in her mind so that probably helps ease her mind a little. Of course I believe the stat is that M with one spouse being a child of divorce have a 50% increase in divorcing, and when both spouses come from divorce it is a 200% increase. That is pretty ugly but not surprising. Culture of divorce.
I had an incredible life before I even knew W existed and I will be getting back to that scenario, except it will be a much more full and rewarding life with my two amazing kids along for the ride. Not fooling myself, I am going to have to walk through the fire first and take the pain. But it will be like a scene from a Terminator movie, I can take every shot and explosion and emerge from the fire and keep marching forward. I am impervious and unstoppable.
I am Alpha and went overboard with it, crossing the line and being a jerk, feeling that I was in a power struggle for who was top dog in the M. I also was conditioned to receive criticism constantly, so when I came home from work I was just waiting for the first strike to come my way from W, and was ready for a fight. After awhile, I began to hear criticism in many benign statements from W, where "did you wipe the table down" sounded like "why haven't you wiped the table down yet?" I would get defensive in those moments as well.
So, have you found any 180's? Have you had opportunities to interact with W differently?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Regarding current sitch: "I understand this is painful for you" "I don't believe you have made this decision lightly"
Regarding other issues (work & family), where I would tire quickly of W's incessant complaints and withdraw: "Wow that is frustrating!" "What was he thinking?!" "I can't believe she did that!"
2. No More Defensiveness in response to W's criticism and jabs. Now responding to snide comments/sarcasm/veiled put-downs in one of three ways: Just a Smile Me - "My kids are so smart!" W - "They must get it from mommy" Me - Just Smile Witty Comeback W - (the backseat driver) "do you need me to drive?" Me - touching the console - "where is the ejector button for the passenger seat?" Completely Ignore - for all sitches where I have no quick witty comeback or a smile won't do.
3. No More Counter-Strikes - "Me?, what about you and …….!" No more.
4. Avoid Arguments/Debates. Not trying to be "right" or "win". Always calm, always level.
5. Increase Leadership and Domestic Involvment. Took kids to the doctor for check-up, scheduling other kids appointments and activities, will lead through the D process.
6. Increase Thank-u's and Appreciation. Thanking W and showing appreciation for her domestic efforts and any other helpful acts.
7. Establishing Boundaries. W has micro-management and control issues in addition to her other traits, and cannot resist from interceding, whether I am dealing with a kid tantrum or trying to cook a pot of pasta. Hovering, interrupting and directing. In response I now use "please let me handle this", "thanks but I've got this", "please stop interrupting" , etc.
180's In Need of Work:
1. Defrost - need to thaw and not be cold, distant and withdrawn. Years of being flooded by W's personality sent me into the deep freeze. It's going to be a process to get back to the man encased in the ice block. This 180 is my biggest challenge and is probably at the forefront of what W notices.
2. Smile More.
3. Better Eye Contact.
180's Not Being Employed Yet (thoughts on if they should be???)
1. Physical touch. Initiating zero touch at this time.
2. Affection/flirting. Not doing any of this currently.
3. Compliments on Physical Appearance - not complimenting unless W asks my opinion on an outfit - my response "you look great".
As far as compliments, look up ways to compliment a woman without mentioning her looks. Eluding to her ability to find clothing that compliment each other for example.
Google something like this: how to compliment a woman without mentioning her looks.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I had an exchange with W last night about transporting S(7) to a party this weekend. I was pretty terse for no apparent reason in telling W I would be handling the event. W commented how my tone was confrontational but that she shouldn't be surprised about that anymore. W says I can't see how I am coming across. I know I need to break this habit. It's not an all-the-time thing but it's counter-productive. It has grown out of years of a toxic communication dance with W involving criticism, defensiveness, and power struggle between and alpha male and alpha female.
I need to tone down the alpha, drop the tug-of-war rope on the power struggle, relax, soften, be pleasant and just be nice to W during the mostly mundane communications. This is my Achilles Heal, my epic 180 challenge. I feel like one instance of me being unnecessarily terse completely wipes out ALL progress with the many other 180's I am doing well with. It's that bad in my mind. It's more of the same to W and it reinforces her decision to D. I feel like I can backslide on a 180 like "Increased Thank You's and Appreciation of W" without a huge effect, but there is no margin for error on my 180 to Defrost and Be Pleasant.
Gekko, good list! I agree with R2C on the compliments. Avoid anything related to appearance or "sexiness". Compliment her on her work skills, or parenting skills, what a great friend she is to others, things like that.
Good- "That's awesome that you helped your friend with her daughter when she was sick, I bet she really appreciates having a great friend like you."
You know what to do then. Make the 180. I bet YOU will feel better for it, and be a happier person.
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I feel like one instance of me being unnecessarily terse completely wipes out ALL progress with the many other 180's I am doing well with.
It kind of does. It's crazy how quickly the good deeds can be forgotten when you revert to an old, ingrained behavior that reminds her why she is leaving. 180, 180, 180.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I need to tone down the alpha, drop the tug-of-war rope on the power struggle, relax, soften, be pleasant and just be nice to W during the mostly mundane communications. This is my Achilles Heal, my epic 180 challenge.
Good! That is some excellent introspection!
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I feel like one instance of me being unnecessarily terse completely wipes out ALL progress with the many other 180's I am doing well with. It's that bad in my mind.
Yes we all have thoughts like that. But no single thing got you here and no single thing is going to alter the course either. You got here through months or (more likely) years of your W feeling neglected. Turning it around takes months or years of changed behavior. Don't beat yourself up over the past, just keep moving forward!
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It's more of the same to W and it reinforces her decision to D. I feel like I can backslide on a 180 like "Increased Thank You's and Appreciation of W" without a huge effect, but there is no margin for error on my 180 to Defrost and Be Pleasant.
It's never too late to do a 180. Whether you do a 180 the day after BD or 10 months after doesn't really matter because brother, you already got BD'd. So ANY 180 is an improvement, right? Think of it this way, over time you are showing your W more and more 180's. If you hit her with them all at once then they would just look fake. But slow improvement over time looks more genuine.
