Joejoe and burned, both your messages say to me to keep a watchful eye out, and to look for consistency. It’s important both ways.
JoeJoe, is this too rigid of a list: admitting to the Affair, then re-establishing communication, willingness from WW to commit(no more d talk, counseling, what else?), then remorse?
I think it helps me to compartmentalize things like the MWD 3 stages , crisis, reinvention, commitment. I think within the crisis stage , also considering what Sandi has said, there’s a lot of requirements on both sides before there is a willingness to reach stage 2. I think most of it hinges on her being earnest and remorseful. It’ll be up to me to determine how I perceive this, if it’s from guilt or genuine remorse for hurting me and the family. For her, I’d also need to give her time, gain her respect back, and also show some consistency.
I’ll go back and read Sandi’s posts about words, actions, an behaviors have to all match in my first thread.
Per MWD, I’m in this crisis bubble, if you will... and I feel within this bubble, there are several smaller bubbles I have to go through, like connecting the dots so that this bubble is “whole” again. I see gain respect, give time and space, re-establish communication(first step to that is validation), and the spouse has to be willing. I can unpack that into a lot. The reasons the spouse is willing, from my 180s, detachment, to her own realizations and remorse.
Burned there are things I am doing or “not” doing that are 180s. Snooping, that stopped early. 180. Not pursuing, 180. Not being Mr Right, 180. The passive aggressive, working on that... this is one of those where I think it will just have to come in time by acknowledging when it happens and trying to prevent it further down the road. Most again are mental , trying to be in the right frame of mind and being okay with who I am, actually knowing who I am.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Your list is too generic. You need very specific observables.
Example, when it comes to physical: her touching you umprompted. Her laughing at your jokes. Her calling and texting you for simple and small things on a consistent basis. Her giving you a kiss. Her going out of her way to say goodbye or hello.
Example, when it comes to emotions: her telling you about her day umprompted. Her telling you about a girlfriend of family that got on her nerves. Her telling you about a new anything she's thinking about buying. Her opening up about the M or R. Her telling you about her mental state or emotions.
Example, when it comes to spiritual: her telling you she is praying for you and the M. Her telling she has be talking to a Pastor or religious leader. Her asking you to go to Church.
You are looking for signs of resentment subsiding.
Her admitting to her affair should be one of your signs. She can do that while she's agry as well.
What you ultimately want is remorse. Her deep sadness for hurting you and overwhelming guilt for her conduct.
You are doing great.
I have my list at home written down. I will type them out to you later.
Happy New Years!!!! Here's too 2019.
Onward and Forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Adam, when your W had that talk with you (while you were still in bed), what could you determine about her attitude during that talk? Did she show a range of emotions, or was it mostly one?
Do you know if she still contacts OM?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Adam, when your W had that talk with you (while you were still in bed), what could you determine about her attitude during that talk? Did she show a range of emotions, or was it mostly one?
Do you know if she still contacts OM?
Hi Sandi! Hope you are having a great start to the New Year, and Thank You for your never-ending support. You're an amazing and wonderful person. I am thankful for all the time you've taken to try and make me see the light.
I could not determine much. I have a gut feeling that she is confused and also wants the best of both worlds.
She had one emotion,somewhat somber, throughout the talk. She was calm, taking time to talk, sometimes sitting there quietly, not rushing. She cried a little sometimes. No balling, no anger raising her voice. We made eye contact a lot. Sometimes there wasn't eye contact, she'd look at me and then look down.
I have no idea about OM. I think she went deep undercover.
This New Years we had the kids together in the living room during the last minute count down. I was in the study until 11:58. After we hugged the kids and told them Happy New Year, I said I will miss them after the older one left the room. Told her I found an apartment but we may need to discuss the 50/50. I most likely can't do the 50/50 due to the new location will add substantial drive time to my work. Won't have time to pick up the kids before 6pm.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Another weekend coming and I feel ill prepared. Spoke to a couple lawyers who want to charge a couple hundred on the initial consult. None on weekends, and one attorney who can is on the other side of town. I read something about asking the attorney if they ever worked in the court or knows the judge along with other questions to feel out how experienced they are... which led me to thinking that I don't even know what court would handle that so asking you for your help here. Is there a way to know that info ahead of time in a big city with possibility of moving to outskirts of town, and could that change which court is used?
Hurt my foot somehow so took a few days off from working out, went home early and watched bird box. One thing I did notice since W has been home with kids is that when I watched the movie, she decided to watch it too. It felt like she could have been texting OM. I got home early, so she texted , then stopped texting. Just felt like it could ha e been to OM to let him know I was home early. I know I still struggle with this and wanting to shake the crap out of her to wake up, but I know I can't. This is a 180 for me. I truly feel that if I intervene with her process it will only complicate matters more. As for boundaries on that, I didn't tell her anything about the text and was even questioning my own insecurities. She has been texting her family because she was telling the kids about plans for today with their aunts.. I thought about leaving the living room but she left to bathe the little one.
I am still looking to move out to be on my own. Some days I know I am going thru the motions with my feelings of missing our family and then hating her. Then I go on with the day indifferent.
On that note, work has gotten better this week. I am allowing myself time. I try to think about how I am reacting based on my emotions, trying to balance my emotions with the intellect. So with work, I know I have to let thoughts of her go, and it's happened for numerous days now. I wished it was easier to detach though.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Think this is the hardest part of the DB process. It's going to take time. I'm going into month 6 and I am still attached.
Hey P,
I am coming to terms with that. I know if I let my mind wander about the future or dwell in the past, I'd only be hurting myself. As for living in the moment, like with the texts, I couldn't stop the thought process, but I could dictate how I reacted and if I let my thoughts and emotions take over my happiness. One thing I remind myself is that I'm sure there are days she is not thinking about me so why would I want to beat myself up worrying about her. This helps me to get my chit together to move forward through the day.
BTW, like the new name for 2019.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Feels like I am forcing myself to update on a break at work. I've tried to journal but haven't had it in me lately. I continue to lurk and read, feeling like I'm spreading myself too thin and not accomplishing anything, even if this means I am taking it slow and don't need to ACT on anything and sometimes STFU is best thing to do. I feel bad I haven't been to the gym, maybe worse is that the last week I started online gaming with a brother of mine and a few friends. I've seen what others have felt about online gaming and I get it but I've always been amazed at the artistic side of things and other things like D&D, TCG, and other interactive games. Got my S10 a beginner D&D campaign last year and we've had our own make believe adventures, I know it's nothing compared to going out into the real world and flipping rocks over looking for stuff or running through the woods or any number of other things but for now, we'll go on these journeys together in our head. When S10 was a toddler, he would always want me to tell him a made up story instead of the typical nursery rhymes or bedtime stories. One night we'd be ninjas and the next part of the Royal Guard.
Few minutes left. I think because of being at home, taking care of the kids, feeling like I'm okay with them and then I have something I'm enjoying with the gaming I have stopped thinking about W in a sense. This last weekend we talked About finances, my moving out, and the house. I don't remember all the details. I came to a point many times so far telling myself so this must be what she feels like... from not remembering, maybe not caring, to even being "ok"...
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
