I remember she said after she had come out of her waywardness that she was looking for opposition to what she was wanting and feeling. Hoping something would snap her out of it I think this goes to my point earlier about her not having moved into full blown waywardness since she was still relying on her morals, which she hadn't completely given up yet.
This is an important distinction IMO. Also why I wish more people would stick up when people they love (friends, family) act against morals that I think it's obvious we all (should) have. I honestly liken it to drug interventions... sure maybe their physical life isn't at stake but their rash decisions will very well affect their life and I hate how most people downplay that and act like they can't do anything about it.
I know you can't control anyone and some of it is subjective... but you can at least present some pushback and tell someone you care about your honest thoughts about their stupidity, like your W was looking for. You know, help present some different perspectives or whatever. It's sad that even people who are LOOKING for it will not get it because nobody wants to say anything and rock the boat most of the time.
If your W didn't get to the point of totally trashing her morals, I think there's some solace you can take in that, although I'm terribly sorry about her struggles with depression. In fact, most recently that's one of the hardest things I've been struggling with in my sitch... that even if my H came back, was willing to put in the work, etc., how can I actually differentiate between things that came from the result of "fog" (depression or temporary insanity or whatever other drivers) and the things that are actual moral flaws in his character that just never emerged until now?
But as always I assume everyone has a level of crazy that I'd have to deal with anyway so I don't give up on him. It would definitely be easier to give up, and I find myself wishing more and more that someone else would just come and prove me wrong and remove me from the emotional prison I've put myself in with my H.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
TJT... totally get what you are talking about. I also find myself wishing the same thing but I know I am nowhere ready. I actually went onto an OLD site yesterday just to see who is out there. However I got increasingly panicky as I was scrolling down that I would see my H on there so I just logged out. Won’t go on there for a looonnng time... clearly not ready. The great news for you is that you are still so young. I know it doesn’t make your pain any less real but I know that you will have a lot of fun dating when you are ready and you WILL find someone... I know you will. I, on the other hand, at 50, almost 51, the pickings are slim and the baggage people have at this stage of life...significant. You should have seen some of these photos. They looked like mug shots. Ugh... some of them probably were.
Yes, I did forget you initially talked about your W's depression and the medication.
I wanted to ask you to explain what you mean when referring to your W not going into full blown waywardness. Are you talking her acting out in rebellion......or going further, like having a PA?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
TJT... totally get what you are talking about. I also find myself wishing the same thing but I know I am nowhere ready. I actually went onto an OLD site yesterday just to see who is out there. However I got increasingly panicky as I was scrolling down that I would see my H on there so I just logged out. Won’t go on there for a looonnng time... clearly not ready. The great news for you is that you are still so young. I know it doesn’t make your pain any less real but I know that you will have a lot of fun dating when you are ready and you WILL find someone... I know you will. I, on the other hand, at 50, almost 51, the pickings are slim and the baggage people have at this stage of life...significant. You should have seen some of these photos. They looked like mug shots. Ugh... some of them probably were.
Sorry for the hijack Steve.
No problem.
On the older dating, I have told the story a few times of finding my W's profile on the over 50 dating site. She was less than pleased with the responses. LOL Mug shot was almost her description. She said they looked 'used up". She looks 10 years or more younger than her age. Neither of us drink or smoke, and I stay fairly active. So it was kind of a shock for her. She then moved on to a regular dating site, where she was messaging guys 15-20 years younger than her. She wasn't getting many responses as most guys in their early 30s aren't interested in a married 50 year old, even if she only looks 35 or 40.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes, I did forget you initially talked about your W's depression and the medication.
I wanted to ask you to explain what you mean when referring to your W not going into full blown waywardness. Are you talking her acting out in rebellion......or going further, like having a PA?
I see other WWs on here that seemed to completely abandoned their morals and ethics. Stop attending church, etc. And while mine definitely was on that path, and compromised those during her wayward period, I don't think she ever completely threw them off. I think she would have most definitely if I hadn't caught it and sprang into action.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
TJT... totally get what you are talking about. I also find myself wishing the same thing but I know I am nowhere ready. I actually went onto an OLD site yesterday just to see who is out there. However I got increasingly panicky as I was scrolling down that I would see my H on there so I just logged out. Won’t go on there for a looonnng time... clearly not ready. The great news for you is that you are still so young. I know it doesn’t make your pain any less real but I know that you will have a lot of fun dating when you are ready and you WILL find someone... I know you will. I, on the other hand, at 50, almost 51, the pickings are slim and the baggage people have at this stage of life...significant. You should have seen some of these photos. They looked like mug shots. Ugh... some of them probably were.
Sorry for the hijack Steve.
No problem.
On the older dating, I have told the story a few times of finding my W's profile on the over 50 dating site. She was less than pleased with the responses. LOL Mug shot was almost her description. She said they looked 'used up". She looks 10 years or more younger than her age. Neither of us drink or smoke, and I stay fairly active. So it was kind of a shock for her. She then moved on to a regular dating site, where she was messaging guys 15-20 years younger than her. She wasn't getting many responses as most guys in their early 30s aren't interested in a married 50 year old, even if she only looks 35 or 40.
Not to continue the hijack but since we're talking about it (and in response to your comment, DV) I read something not too long ago that actually said after only age 30 that's when guys lose interest...guys that age and older are apparently going for the girls in their 20s. Seems to be corroborated by A) my sitch, and B) the fact that I keep hearing people talk about relationships like that like it's just the way the world works.
E.g. on my recent vacation in a conversation with a staff member (long story) he said one of the older guys who's 50+ has had 3 wives and his current girl is a 20-something. Then in the airport another older man was bragging to whoever was with him that his wive is also decades younger than him.
I also had a conversation with (extended) family recently where someone was talking about another age-gap relationship. I don't think all of these people knew the details of what I was going through, but I did chime in and ask how that works/what people get out of those arrangements, because aside from the obvious surface-level reasons it seems there's a lot of other more important factors that would make it not fulfilling pretty quick. I think the age difference in their example wasn't THAT bad, so I said something referencing the age difference of my H and OW and how it's so weird, and they basically were like "unless you're the older one!"
I am just disgusted that people (and it seems moreso women) seem to be disposable after they get to a certain age, AND that that seems to be socially acceptable by most other people! And yeah I'm at an age where I could go a little younger than me too, but, I mean...have you met younger men these days?! lol... It seems my window may be somewhat narrow and expire quickly!
This is why I'm still really scared and totally not ready to date again, either. Even if I get some play, I'm always going to be terrified from here on out that I'm just going to get "thrown away" again once a few more years do go by. I used to think those scenarios were not the majority, but after this experience and hearing from so many other people (both here and IRL), I am starting to think the real love is actually the exception.
There will ALWAYS be someone younger and prettier and all the things, at some point. I just want an old-fashioned love that lasts forever where we both have so much value for each other that nothing could replace that. And I want that for everyone here too!! Anyway, feel free to continue other replies to this on my thread if it's not something Steve wants to continue deliberating
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
I am just disgusted that people (and it seems moreso women) seem to be disposable after they get to a certain age, AND that that seems to be socially acceptable by most other people! And yeah I'm at an age where I could go a little younger than me too, but, I mean...have you met younger men these days?! lol... It seems my window may be somewhat narrow and expire quickly!
This is why I'm still really scared and totally not ready to date again, either. Even if I get some play, I'm always going to be terrified from here on out that I'm just going to get "thrown away" again once a few more years do go by. I used to think those scenarios were not the majority, but after this experience and hearing from so many other people (both here and IRL), I am starting to think the real love is actually the exception.
There will ALWAYS be someone younger and prettier and all the things, at some point. I just want an old-fashioned love that lasts forever where we both have so much value for each other that nothing could replace that. And I want that for everyone here too!! Anyway, feel free to continue other replies to this on my thread if it's not something Steve wants to continue deliberating
(((TJT)))
Speaking of disposability, I’ve feel more than a little used by W—always kinda felt like I was a stepping stone to her, and now that I helped her focus on her career and gave her 2 kids....see ya.
Even though my thoughts have gone to life after wife, and I’ve given much thought (probably moreso than I should, tbh) to other women down the road, the thought of dating again does terrify me at least a little bit. I’m sure that younger men probably don’t have it together, but I’m wondering the same about women in my age range, too.
I do understand your fear of being ‘thrown away’ again later down the road....I would be terrified too of someone else using me up and tossing me aside, as well. I just hope that I’m more discerning down the road. I’m also sure that real love is the exceptional, and in that sense it is ‘exceptional,’ and I hope we all find it.
I always know that there will be someone younger, more attractive, whatever....for whoever I’m with, but also the temptation waits for me, too, and I’ll have to be on my guard. But if it’s someone I can click with emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically, that will go a very very long way.
Probably like you, I want something / someone that is more old-fashioned and traditional, and all I want is to be valued by who I’m with. I just want to be valued, loved, and taken care of; and to do the same for her, like I’ve tried (imperfectly) to do for W. Loved for who I am....not who I could be, or loved only to a point. Where we make sacrifices for each other—not to keep score, but to seek the good of each other and our relationship.
Interesting topic. I sometimes feel like you Bo. My W had been in long-term relationships her whole adult life. When we met she had just had a bad breakup, she was approaching 30, and desperately wanted kids. I come along and she was hesitant at first. She was drawn to me because I was different. I was a non drinker, pious and talked differently (no cussing, etc). We started as friends, and then one weekend she fell hard. From that moment I was a prince in her eyes. Could do no wrong. She hung on my every word. She wanted to do nothing unless it involved me.
Married two years after that. Daughter born (after one miscarriage) 4 years later. We have tried on and off over the years for another child but it never happened. We had the hiccup in 2005 with her EA when I got brooding and distant due to my feeling entitled and hurt at lack of sex. After we got through that things got back to where she loved and respected me. But then I started brooding and distancing again as the SSM came back.
The point is that sometimes I feel like I was a means to an end. She got the marriage. The house (houses at the moment!). And a baby.
I feel like once she had all that, her mixed feelings returned, she for bored, and was ripe for someone who was exciting again.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I know just what you mean. I don't know if it's true that she just chose you for those reasons, but it's hard to not to think it sometimes. I get those same thoughts. And we never really get to know what they think. And somehow we have to decide to live our livesand make our choices anyways.
The may I learn, read, and talk to people the more it seems like everyone is messed up in one way or another. So we make the best of it and make the best of ourselves.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Your threads are the best Steve, a lot of good info sharing other than keeping a newcomer from umping off a bridge. I feel that once us LBSs get through the initial shock and awe we can really look at our bigger sitch. Yeah there were things we could have done differently in our Ms both H and W, but honestly I think there are just people out there that have bigger issues than NGS, or got bored, etc and one spouse will just always be in hibernation until the next A.
My W too came out of a bad marriage when she met me and I was her knight in shining armor....but at some point she wanted more excitement. Now 19 years later see she probably needed 2 As up to now to chase a fantasy life to escape her depression from being abused as a teen. Looking back and looking now I don't think there is anything I could have done to prevent the As or more in the future. I just look at all the medications W has been on since we met and although maybe just mild anti depressants, there is still unaddressed underlying issues that I/we are not equipped to handle.
However these sitches and our WWs have opened our eyes and had us look within to better ourselves and although painful, I am almost starting to feel thankful that this is happening now while I am still able to look for happiness elsewhere.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
