two steps forward, three steps back (burned)

[TJT]

This sounds like guilt to me. I don't know what she'd be trying to do to manipulate you in this case. But since she knows you are being inconvenienced by something she has asked you to do, she's trying to make herself feel better about it by exchanging niceties.

You did good not responding.

[burned]

Good not responding. Bad, ascribing mailicious intent to something neutral. I kind of scuk at relationships. Maybe I’m a robot.

You could call it “impression management” in the sense that she cheated on me and left, but still wants to think she’s a decent person and that I’m fine with everything, blah blah blah polite, look how good I’m being about destroying my M. Well, that’s my anger, I own it. She can do what she wants to do.

It wasn’t as unpleasant of an experience as I thought it would be. I feel like I’ll bounce back a bit quicker. There’s also a weird sense of freedom that is starting to emerge.

[Ginger1]

Honestly, I don’t think she’s trying to manipulate you either.

I don’t think she wishes you harm, I think she might actually want you to be happy.

She wanted out and she got it. I don’t think she ever wanted to directly hurt you. Her affair was not right, if she wanted out, she should have gotten out first, then began dating. But I think she just wants to be happy, but doesn’t want you to be miserable. There are spouses on here who got out had the A and still feel the need to make the LBS miserable. I don’t think your ex falls in that category.

Your best road to healing ? Just live your life. Make changes you want for yourself and the rest will fall into place.

[Ginger1]

I’m also going to reiterate. There is more ways of destroying a marriage other than cheating.

[TJT]

Good not responding. Bad, ascribing mailicious intent to something neutral.

I'm really impressed that you recognized this burned. I was going to say it in my response but I didn't, and you picked it up anyway. Yes, you definitely have to stop ascribing malicious intent.

Even with my H, my mom keeps saying things like "how can you be so calm about this, he just did XYZ to you!!" and I remind her that yes, he did those things and it's impacted me greatly and he should have been a better person to know how it would impact me, but at the end of the day this is HIS issue, and it's not like he sat in a bunker for a year and planned out all the ways he was going to hurt me. It doesn't make his actions less crappy, but it's the difference between "this is a terrible person" and "this person did some terrible things".

You could call it “impression management” in the sense that she cheated on me and left, but still wants to think she’s a decent person ...

See above. She likely still is a decent person, she just did some things the wrong way, as Ginger has pointed out, and probably does realize that. Doesn't make it better, but it doesn't make her a bad person as a whole and I'm sure you know that better than anyone.

and that I’m fine with everything, blah blah blah polite, look how good I’m being about destroying my M. Well, that’s my anger, I own it. She can do what she wants to do.

More blame shifting. Be angry if you need to be but at least look at what's making you angry with more precision. For example, it's not that she's singlehandedly destroying your M. You've admitted that much. So figure out what it is specifically that you're so angry about so you can reframe it and address that more appropriately and help make it go away over time.

[Ready2Change]

How you doing?

[burned]

Divorce proceedings are going about as well as you’d expect when dealing with a manipulative, vindictive, entitled b’tch. I finally got to see her horns. The depth of darkness in this WW’s soul, Sandi’s descriptions don’t even scratch the surface.

I’m just done. I can’t wait for this misery to end. Reconciliation is such a turn off at this point that if she ever came back to bilk me out of more of my dignity, I’d tell her to pound sand. Someone took a picture of me for the first time since BD and I had no idea how much better I look after losing all the weight. 35, no kids, graduate degree, I’ll have plenty of new people to choose from who aren’t insane. And now I know what kinds of people to avoid.

Go ahead and hit me with the 2x4s like any of this was my fault. I didn’t deserve this. None of us did.

(Looking forward to tomorrow morning when I’ll wake up pining for her again. And the cycle will continue. This skucs.)

[TJT]

Go ahead and hit me with the 2x4s like any of this was my fault. I didn’t deserve this. None of us did.

I want to address this part first, to be absolutely clear: nothing that ANY of us have hit you with here to hold you accountable for your part is equivalent to saying you deserved what your W did or how she is behaving. I think I may have even said that earlier to you at some point.

You are 500% correct that NONE of us deserved these things despite our flaws. Other people have choices too and if they weren't happy, they could have gone about the "resolution" much, much differently to spare us so much hurt. Sure we may have been hurt at some level either way, anytime a "breakup" happens let alone a marriage ending, but doing it in a way that shows both real effort for the relationship and care for the other person was likely possible in the majority of our sitches.

So please don't take any of our 2x4s or accountability talks as you deserving what you're going through. All we mean to do is help you redirect your own behavior so that you can be more effective as a person overall.

To that end:

Divorce proceedings are going about as well as you’d expect when dealing with a manipulative, vindictive, entitled b’tch. I finally got to see her horns. The depth of darkness in this WW’s soul, Sandi’s descriptions don’t even scratch the surface.

I don't think it serves you to direct your anger to her in this way. Be angry, but don't go to her level by name-calling, etc. By doing so you are embodying the exact thing you hate. As a complete third party to your sitch, it comes off very unattractive even with me knowing the ways she has hurt you. In fact one of the key things I've made note of to look for in a new partner is how he talks about past relationships - and unless any of his exes were truly mega actually insane, I will probably think of it as a red flag if he immediately starts spewing off that so and so was a B, etc. The reason for that is because (in my opinion) it will show a level of maturity and stability in a man if he can talk about past relationships with tact. It doesn't mean that I will expect them to talk completely positively about that person, but there's a way you can acknowledge bad things people have done to you without it reflecting badly on you.

I am keeping the same thing in mind when I think about how I will talk about what's happened with me and my H, even when it comes to our mutual friends and family, because at the end of the day I don't want to give anyone ANY reason to look at how I'm behaving and think "hmm, maybe THAT's why he left her!" (or to give my H reason to hate me - although yes, I do realize he has given me plenty of reasons to hate him). I am hurt, but I am not crazy. If deep down I still care for my H, all I can do is feel sorry for him that he's going through something that has caused him to behave in the ways he's behaving. I am resentful and angry and all of the things too, but that's not who I am as a person and ultimately it won't really help accomplish anything.

So try to find a catharsis for your hurt and anger that is more productive, and position any feelings about your W in an empathetic way. For example, "I feel sorry for her that she can't find a way to work through her pain in a more constructive way" (and don't think this with a sarcastic sentiment either..you have to remember her behavior is an expression of her pain too).

The number one thing for you to remember is that no matter who it is in life, whether it's your W, your boss, bad drivers, anyone - YOU can control how you react to that, and how you consistently react forms your character. So don't let people who hurt you keep you down and perpetuate the issues you want to address in yourself. Rise above them and ONLY own your parts, not theirs.

[DejaVu6]

TJT... you are wise beyond your years. I was thinking the same thing. I try very hard to speak respectfully of my H. I know he didn’t set out to do this to me and that he ultimately regrets how things happened even though he is steadfast in ending our MR. If he could go back and do the right thing (speak up about how he was feeling four years ago), I think he would. But that is in the past and he is only looking forward now. If I were him, I would be doing the same thing, I think. Anyway...we are all very, very hurt about how things went down in our MRs and anger almost always follows that kind of feeling. Try to keep a lid on the anger and deal with the hurt. (((Burned)))

[MoveFrwd]

Burned - I hope you are doing ok. The details of going through the divorce proceedings can be tough. Try to take as much 'personal' resentment and impact out of it and try to treat this like a business deal on your end. I know thats easier said than done, but it would be the best for you.

I can’t wait for this misery to end.

Unfortunately, the misery wont end just because the marriage will. It's up to you to take control of your own happiness and your own self. I feel like I already know the answer....but how is your GAL going?