Quotes found on Divorcebusting (7)

[Ready2Change]

The forums on Divorce Busting are filled with so much great information. As I read through the posts, I like to grab the nuggets of gold and share.

I wish everyone well during these difficult times. Remember that everything will be OK no matter what the WAS chooses. Keep doing the right thing. Get in alignment with your core values. Stop doing what is not working. Try new ways of interacting. Let go of the past and do not fear the future. Be in the present. Commit to personal growth. Set goals for the future and keep taking steps to get there. Read about boundaries and learn how to set and enforce them.

As far as the wayward spouse, always assume the wayward spouse is in an A (Hint:This is your first 180). Do not reveal anything about what you know and how you found out. "We both know that is a lie." is a great way to deal with any deception.

Previous quote threads:
Quotes found on Divorcebusting (6)
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Quotes found on Divorcebusting (2)
Quotes found on Divorcebusting (1)

Link to a recap of my sitch

God bless you all

[Joe2017]

Maika's Post

When people ask here about 'successful' reconciliations (where the relationship was restored and in piecing), the most common and obvious pattern is that the LBS did the following things - took accountability for their shortcomings, engaged in personal growth in professional and personal lives, walked the path of detachment and letting go, reduced contact and demolished any expectations, improved their emotional fitness, and got a life. It is about a complete mindset transformation and then following through with action.

So, that's what needs to happen. Because the outcome will always be you becoming a full human being and reclaiming your life - it's story and future trajectory. It creates empowerment and peace. I have never been at more peace in my life than I am now, and that is no small feat. For the first time in my adult life, I am excited about what my life is going to bring me. I don't recall being like this since I was a kid - full of hope.

This is completely achievable and not only that, it is a way better place to be.

I will add that your DBing should not be focused on your spouse. If you DB while having the goal of impressing your ex with your newfound badassery, you will fail. They can detect pursuit from a mile away.

[burned]

link to original post

She decided to say "f**k everyone else's feelings, only I matter"

What I'm getting at is that your WW, just like mine, made the hateful and disgusting decision to start another relationship before ending the current one. That's 100% on them and not on us. You have no idea if anything you did differently would have avoided that. Stop dwelling on it and just be the man that you want to be now.

You are just bringing yourself down. There is a reason the windshield in a car is much larger than the rear view mirror. Because what's in front of us is more important than what's behind us

[Ready2Change]

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You are getting some great advice, but much more importantly- you are FOLLOWING the advice.
Well done! I know it's not easy as your intuition is probably telling you to do something else, but in dealing with a wayward the "tough love" approach is the only one that works. It's frankly not a lot different than dealing with a drug addict.....Someone addicted to heroin is more than happy to swear to give it up within an hour or so of their last hit but those are hollow words indeed.

Wait until the withdrawals are in full swing and THEN see what their attitude is, most can think of nothing more than getting another hit no matter what damage it means to their life. It is the same with your W. She is a liar, it goes hand-in-hand with the cheating. So really what she is committing to is to lie about all things great and small to make you think she's "come clean"....she needs to show those things consistently for MONTHS before you should be willing to believe that maybe she's serious.


That should be the challenge you pose to her. Give up OM, offer full transparency (give you all social media passwords, access to her phone whenever you want) and show you consistent, changed behavior for 2 or 3 months minimum and THEN you can discuss where to go from there. A wayward who is still a wayward will not accept these terms and will call you controlling and manipulative and accuse you of not having faith and trust (as if they deserve that!) A truly repentant WAS who genuinely wants to save the M will be willing to do this and more though.

[Ready2Change]

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I will ask my lawyer about it too, but I like to bounce things off sensible people that have been there and done that. While W is irrational and unreasonable I have to be the opposite. Getting the most data points helps one make the best decisions possible.

[Ready2Change]

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Clearly your W will lie to get what she wants, so you must play the game too and that means being the calm, steady guy who doesn't get goaded into petty behavior.

[Ready2Change]

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I am loving myself, I have lost 85lbs, I'm working on getting cut, I do a ton with my kids, i do a ton with friends and alone, i started school, I have been reading like crazy. I'm kicking a$$ at work and will be up for a promotion soon. I have been GAL like a madman and going out of town.

Honestly I'm very happy with myself. I just look at my WW now and I'm like wow, why did I think it was ok to be treated this poorly for so long? I mean years of emotional abuse. I'm no angel, but hell I recognized the a$$hole in myself and erased him. I guess I was hoping that me mellowing out, making confident decisions for myself and not fighting with WW may make her try and change.

[Ready2Change]

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I guess I my biggest question is: How can I win my wife back if we have virtually no contact?

You go grab life by the balls. Kick ass at work, make lots of money, get a great personal life, take great care of your hygiene, dress well, bust it in the gym, run, play sports, travel, hunt, take your kids out for the time of your life, make yourself a better, happier man. And people will say "Wow, TNhiker is really doing well" and you'll be feeling like "Wow, TNhiker is really doing well" and she'll be thinking "Wow,TNhiker is really doing well" and then everyone will want a piece of you.

You CAN do this.

[Ready2Change]

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Everywhere I researched on cheating spouses, I found the same recommendation, to not try to stop the A and to let it take its course. In my case, a few days after my W told me she was in love with someone else, I asked her to choose between him and me. She said she chose me, but I'm pretty sure she was lying. (5 months later, she left).

Later on, I started understanding why the recommendation to leave the A take its course. Like everything else about WAS/WW, to be able to reconcile, the WW needs to go through their full cycle and realize by themselves that the grass is not greener on the other side, start seeing their own issues and wanting to come back to the LBS.

If they are pressured by a pursuing LBS, most WWs will run away but I think that some WWs don't have the courage to run and will just give up their fantasy including the A. (This is why, my WW always talked about her courage to leave.). But when they give up their A out of pressure and fear, they continue to fantasize about it and they feel that they have missed out on an opportunity to be happy. In your case, you initiating BD may have caused a similar effect on her. She never got into full blown WW, but she may be still lost.

This I believe whole heartily. That's why when the WW/WH says I want a divorce. The only response should be "Do you need help packing your bags"?

[Ready2Change]

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Should I approach the WW to see if she can agree to just file for divorce together?

Only if you want to divorce her. And if you did, you would have filed already. So give her time and space. Take your time and space to heal, grow, and improve yourself.