Here's what's behind her blaming you and re-writing history: she knows she's doing something she shouldn't, she knows she's wrong, but at the same time, what she's doing is really exciting and makes her feel really good!
That's a bind -- she shouldn't do this, but she can't help herself from continuing.
When that happens, people will initially beat themselves up and feel very guilty for what they are doing, but human nature is that you can only feel bad about yourself for so long and then a preservation instinct kicks in.
When that happens, it goes something like this: "I'm doing a bad thing, but I'm not a bad person. So if I'm not a bad person, someone else must be *making* me do this, and *they* must be the bad person"
Since you're the only other one in the relationship, they'll latch on to you as the cause of the problem, and will then re-write history, invent things, and look for any little thing you do that supports they stories they are telling themselves.
It is a very sophisticated form of self-hypnosis so that they can justify and continue their behavior without the attendant guilt they had been feeling.
If you're then remorseful, apologetic, and pursue them, it reinforces that you must be acting this way because you did something wrong, and it makes your situation even worse!
Your very best move here from a psychological perspective is to completely go the other way. You leave her versus her leaving you. Don't accept anything she's telling you about this being your fault, just outright reject it. Don't compromise on that, don't think you'll be a nice guy and meet in the middle, feel free to make her angry. She needs to believe that you consider yourself to be more valuable than the treatment you've been getting.
You need to establish your value, by not allowing yourself to be in a relationship with someone who is not faithful. You can't control what she does, there's no way you can do that, but you CAN control what treatment you will and will not accept.
Moving away from her emotionally is scary and seems counter-intuitive, but its absolutely the best move you can make.
Think back to dating -- who is more intriguing to you, a person who easily falls into your arms, or a person who is hard to get? Which one is more attractive?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
My only regret in all this is that it has taken me months to finally find this forum..
2 months of what i felt was like cat and mouse chasing - Draw me in, push me away..
The above is so helpfull.
I found this site on Wednesday and put the "distancing" into affect from Wed night..
My Ex was not happy last night ( as that was the 2nd night i had watched TV in the kids playroom ) - she even came in before she went to bed and told me "you are free to go into the living room now , as i am off to bed - scenes as you dont want to spend time with me anymore"
So interesting to see how this progresses
thanks again.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
help, be aware that she may attempt to use sex to reattach you. With her recent past I would be very very leery of giving in. The rule is that if she is not physically cheating then you can as long as you do not have any expectations or attach any significance to it. In your case I would handle this as if she is physically cheating because all signs point to that as being the case.
"Sorry, that is what we would do if we were in a committed relationship with each other. I cannot jeopardize my health on top of everything else."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks.. This has crossed my mine already.. She used this trick back in August when i read the text off her friend, after that night out with the first guy from work.. At this point she had been distant and no intamacy on her part for for 2 months, but the second i started asking questions about the context of this message from her friend ( she lied every which way she could to avoid admitting about the guy at work ) it was "oh babe lets go upstairs and make love " - It didnt happen then and it wont happen now..
I have feel like i have lost self respect for letting this go on since october ( cake eating / cat and mouse ) - i should have ended it and distanced myself when she refused to stop messaging the first guy / lied / deleted messages etc...
But i was blind to what i have now read on this forum.. This week has been so positive becuase its now about ME and ME moving forwrd ( well ME and my CHILDREN :-) )
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
My Ex was not happy last night ( as that was the 2nd night i had watched TV in the kids playroom ) - she even came in before she went to bed and told me "you are free to go into the living room now , as i am off to bed - scenes as you dont want to spend time with me anymore"
Why are you holing up in the kids' room? Be the king of your castle. It's your domain. If she wants to cower in a closet to avoid you or hang off the edge of the bed for fear you might touch her then fine, that's her problem. But you should not be changing your routine or hiding or moving to other rooms. Yes you want to give her time and space but that just means don't follow her around or be overly chatty to her.
Actually, to back AS up, kick her out of the bed entirely if you are still sharing it. You never answered me about the master bedroom. If you moved out of it, move back in and kick her out.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry - She has not been in the master bedroom for months.. She sleeps in the guest bedroom..
Downstairs we have the main lounge, but also a seperate room where the kids play / watch TV.
I have moved to here in the evening now to avoid spending any time with her once the children are in bed. ( distancing ) - Are we saying i should still keep the same routine as the last 8 years and share a room in the evening with her watching TV ? -
thanks
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Bit confused. I am not going out of my way to avoid, and following the detachment rules.... But in one of sandis posts she states
*Immediately withdraw his physical presence from her as much as possible. He should spend time with his kids, of course, but not alone time with her. He should not engage in usual family events, celebrations, etc. It is better the kids be disappointed for a shorter period of time than a lifetime of hurt.
Hence i am no longer watching TV in the same room as her. We spend time together in the main lounge with the kids, but once they are in bed, i watch TV in the other room..
Regardless, it is really getting to her lol.. She keeps making snide comments..
I went out last night, and she spent the whole time i was out "online" on whatsapp to the OM..
So i think in one way she has noticed the detament, but on the other side, she is using this "space" to spend more time messaging him..
But feeling so much more positive. Best week in months.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
What I mean is, yes don't spend time with her, but don't do it in an ignoring, avoiding away. Just be busy.. Retreating to the other room to watch TV sends the wrong message. TV isn't busy. Be busy. Good job on the going out. That is what you want! If you're in the house after the kids are in bed, busy, busy, busy. Reading is being busy. Doing online research etc. During my sitch if I was in the house I was doing something productive.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
